What Do You Mean, You Unleashed A Plague Of The Undead?

"Oh no! The dead have risen and they're voting Republican!" ~  Lisa Simpson

"To eat, or not to eat brains, that is the question." ~ Zombie Shakespeare

"Fourteen score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all zombies are entitled to brains." ~ Zombie Lincoln, the Second Gettysburg Address

"Braaaaaaaiiiiinssss!" ~ Malcolm Porter, Rapid City zombie district commander, January 4th, 2021

And so we return once more to the genre of the brain eating slow-witted undead today (no, not the cast of Dancing With The Stars). The zombie. As I've shown you before, the zombie is a strange beast in the horror genre, muttering incoherently (mostly about brains) and shuffling about in large numbers in a post-apocalyptic world, while a small group of humans race to prevent themselves from being the next blue plate special at a zombie smorgasbord.

Okay. Let's say the impossible has happened. You wake up, find yourself in a world where most everyone around you has become a zombie. They're out for brains (if you're still a living breathing person, they'll be after yours, and no, it doesn't matter if you two used to play golf together). So they'll be out for you. I can't imagine that being torn apart by a horde of zombies will be a pleasant death.

What kind of world will you be facing? Well, obviously a bad one. Zombies will be the majority, and they'll get themselves organized. They might even run for elected office.

Of course, that doesn't count out the enemies of the past rising up from the grave and causing their own problems in the world, does it?

 What kind of world will our zombie counterparts carve out for themselves? When they're not carving out the inner organs of the Ludlows down the street (sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Ludlow, but you did have it coming; the pink flamingoes on the lawn really are tacky).

Zombies will, eventually, want to experience some form of culture. So inevitably there will come the rise of zombie movies. Such as Indiana Jones And The Feast Of Brains.

Obviously this idea would have to be taken out by surviving humans post haste. No more of that, thank you very much....

We can't forget the comic books that will rise up in the new zombie order....

Zombie children must be entertained too....

And tween zombies will want their Bieber for some reason. Wonderful. Is it too much to ask for a post-apocalyptic world that doesn't feature the Biebertwit?

Is there room for romance in the lives of zombies?

Well, the zombies do like their pin-up zombie girls....

And there'll also be the zombie pet problem to cope with.

Obviously religious rites will take on a whole new meaning. Communion, for instance...

We can hope it doesn't happen. We can hope that the zombiepocalypse that's foretold in sci-fi and horror never comes to pass. If it does, however, I suggest some things. First, get used to shooting zombies who used to be people. Yes, I know it goes against your nature to shoot your neighbour (at least it should), but Zombie Phil doesn't share your hesitation, and only wants to feast on your grey matter. And your intestines. Your heart too. So suck it up and start shooting. Aim for the head while you're at it. Second, if you've got a weak stomach and are sickened when you see blood, you might as well just give up and cover yourself with barbecue and honey sauce. A patrol of zombies will be along shortly to finish you off. Because if you do have a weak stomach, you're not going to last long in Zombie World.

Lastly... if zombies are chasing you, make sure the guy running with you is slower then you are.

Hey, it's about self preservation!

Not The Ideal Christmas Gift

"Please come back to Stratford. We really are a pleasant town to visit, to see the Festival. Just because a mop headed cretin comes from here doesn't mean you have to hold it against us!"

-Statement from the Chamber of Commerce, Stratford, Ontario.

We hear you, Stratford. Don't worry. In a couple of years, you'll be back to being known for your outstanding, world class Shakespearean festival, rather than as the hometown of a short kid who's making fourteen year old girls go out of their minds. Just wait. His career should implode in on itself within the year. Eighteen months at the outset. When that happens, and his business managers have stolen every cent they can get out of him (not a joke, mark my words, it'll happen) he'll be in full washed up mode. You can hold your heads high when that happens.

In his quest to make as much cash as possible before his fan base grows up and leaves him behind, Justin Bieber has been heavily into the marketing. There's, let's see... albums, a concert film, a "memoir" (photo heavy on that one), and now... the doll.

Don't believe me?

I told you. Justin Bieber dolls. Yes, the mop headed cretin is releasing dolls of himself. Bit of an odd combination, that one. Does the mop headed cretin even know how to play a guitar?

The marketing chimps who thought this one up misfired. His fan base are made up exclusively of thirteen to sixteen year old girls who speak like OMG!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! DID YOU SEE???? all the time. They've set aside their days of dolls. No more Barbie and Ken for his fans. And as much as they're insanely adoring of the short twit, would they really want to pick up that old habit? I would say no.

There might, however, be another use for these dolls, and I submit it to you now.

Those of us who are sane and have a reasonably decent taste in music (ie something other than bubbleheaded teen acts put together by a studio executive) generally agree, regardless of preferred genres, that Bieber music constitutes cruel and unusual punishment, and even torture. Come on, admit it, even if you've got a thirteen year old daughter. It is torture!

I submit to you that we can make use of these dolls for our own revenge. Here's just a few such ideas.

1. Consult with a witch doctor about turning the Justin doll into a voodoo doll. Then start with the needles, the tossing off cliffs, the dipping into the fireplace, and whatever other method you choose.

2. Use it as a tug toy between you and your dog Killer.

3. Tow it behind your car, just to see how long it takes before it's unrecognizable.

4. Gather together a band of world class thieves (preferably a total of eleven), break into the Louvre, steal the Mona Lisa, and splice the doll into the video footage to make it appear that Justin Bieber himself stole the painting.

5. Do the same as above, but leave the doll behind, thus suggesting to the police that the theft was pulled off by Bieberites.

6. Give it to someone you hate as a heartfelt Christmas gift, and smile as they grind their teeth in frustration.

7. Spray catnip on it, and leave it for your cat.

8. Four words: Justin Bieber Doll Catapult.

9. Send Russell Brand pictures of the Doll photoshopped in with Katy Perry. Wait to see what happens when the living cat hairball goes ballistic on the real thing.

10. Entomb it in a time capsule (don't worry, no one ever opens those things anyway, and this way you'll be rid of the thing) with a note of explanation: yes, once upon a time, mercifully briefly, this mop headed cretin was popular. Try not to hold it against us, future people and or ruthless machine overlords.

World Domination Protocol #34: Get Your Own Navy

The Royal Navy announced recently that they're selling one of their aircraft carriers, the HMS Invincible. If you've got a couple million spare dollars floating about, you can have your very own aircraft carrier. An aircraft carrier, as Tom Clancy would tell you, is a projection of power on the seas. With the planes it carries and the ships that accompany it, the carrier owns a huge chunk of the water around it. Tom would go on from there and tell you how the carrier was built, where it was built, what company won the contract, the names of the crews who put it together, and go on and on about rivets and bulkheads and... well, by then you'd be asleep or clobbering Tom over the head to get him to shut up.

The Invincible was once the pride of the fleet, and saw action during the Falklands War. Now, what with the Brits trying to sort out their financial house, certain items like decommissioned aircraft carriers have no place in the fleet. So it's up on the market, though obviously not for someone answering to the name of Bin Laden. At least we hope not.

Well, in my occasional musings on the matter of world domination, it seems that a carrier would come in handy. Particularly if she comes fully armed and including the planes. It's not much use otherwise. So, what would I do first?

I'd need time to give the Invincible a shakedown cruise. And get some target practice in. I'd like to start with using Justin Bieber's house for target practice, but I somehow doubt an aircraft carrier can get up the Welland Canal, into Lake Erie, and up that river to the town of Stratford. Besides, even if it could, I'm sure the town fathers would resent having their town bombarded like that.

So, what else to use for target practice? Well, it would have to be somewhere along the coast for proper operations. There's one good choice there. Golf courses. I hate golf. And in the new world order I'll establish, golf shall be banned. In fact, anyone even thinking of playing golf will be shot on sight.

Therefore, St. Andrews-By-The-Sea would be fair game. And so would these guys:

We all know that wiping golf off the face of the earth would be doing the world a favour, so bombarding those golf courses in advance will be fair warning. Tiger, time to set your clubs aside and find something else to do. Aside from chasing whatever bimbo of the week catches your eye...