Don't Look Now, But The Ghost Of Countess Bathory Is Right Behind You

 Once again, Hallowe'en has come upon the land. That magical time of year of tricking, treating, ghost stories, and when our darkest parts of our imagination get to run free for the night. It's also the time of year when endless reruns of Hallowe'en gets replayed over and over again on cable channels, and Donald Pleasance keeps trying to kill Michael Myers. Michael does, of course, have it coming....

Lots of jack o'lanterns get carved, of course, and some people put a lot of particular effort into decorating their homes for the festivities.

"Gentlemen, Operation World Domination begins this Monday. The odd decorations the humans put out are central to our plans. Let me explain..."

One pumpkin to rule them all....

"Now, witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational jack o'lantern."

Here in Ottawa, we have many a ghost haunting some of the public and less public places scattered throughout. Like other cities, there's a touring company that runs several Haunted Walks, telling the ghost stories of the city. I thought I'd touch briefly on three of them.

The luxurious Chateau Laurier hotel was commissioned a century ago by railroad baron Charles Melville Hays. In 1912, it was finished, and Hays was coming from Europe with a large shipment of furniture for the grand opening of the hotel, but unfortunately he took passage aboard a certain ship you may have heard of. Hays and his furniture went down aboard the Titanic. Since then, there have been sightings of the great man in the hotel, among other ghosts...

The Carleton County Gaol (or Jail, depending on your nationality) is now used as a youth hostel and small museum, but in its day it was a prison downtown, where hangings took place of condemned men, including the convicted assassin of Thomas D'Arcy McGee, one of our Fathers of Confederation. The place is haunted of course, and having had been in there, I can say that you can feel the coldness of it, the sensation that you're being watched. It's a creepy, creepy kind of place to even briefly visit.

Watson's Mill is on the shore of the Rideau River in the village of Manotick, a short drive away from the city. Indeed, I was just there myself this weekend. The 19th century era grist mill is still in operation today, producing flour and selling bread. The building is open for visits, the equipment remains in place, and there's a spectral presence too. A young wife of an owner paid a visit to the mill one day a century and a half ago, and was killed in a tragic accident. Her ghost is still said to be seen in the mill and the grounds. Having had been on my own in the attic space during my last visit... I did have the distinct feeling of someone else there with me....

At this time of year, cartoonists get busy with the theme of the supernatural, of course, so I thought I'd  collect a few of them from the last few weeks for you. Plenty of ghosts, witches, monsters, and such to go around for everyone. And no, don't worry, just because there are the odd vampires in the mix doesn't mean it involves any glittery ones....

If you're drinking coffee, you might want to put it down before clicking on this. Just saying.

Even editorial cartoonists get into the act this time of year....

One might, if one is a fan of the genre, feel the need to participate in a Zombie walk, such as these fine folk did recently here in Ottawa. It was a bit strange to keep passing people with blood on their faces through the streets... and then realize there was a point to it.....

Coming for Hallowe'en 2012... Barbie: Malibu Serial Killer...

And so I bid you a Happy Hallowe'en. Mind the ghosts and goblins. And if you see any sparkly vampires, take out the stake. You'll be doing the vamp a favour by putting them out of their misery.

What Do You Mean, You Unleashed A Plague Of The Undead?

"Oh no! The dead have risen and they're voting Republican!" ~  Lisa Simpson

"To eat, or not to eat brains, that is the question." ~ Zombie Shakespeare

"Fourteen score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all zombies are entitled to brains." ~ Zombie Lincoln, the Second Gettysburg Address

"Braaaaaaaiiiiinssss!" ~ Malcolm Porter, Rapid City zombie district commander, January 4th, 2021

And so we return once more to the genre of the brain eating slow-witted undead today (no, not the cast of Dancing With The Stars). The zombie. As I've shown you before, the zombie is a strange beast in the horror genre, muttering incoherently (mostly about brains) and shuffling about in large numbers in a post-apocalyptic world, while a small group of humans race to prevent themselves from being the next blue plate special at a zombie smorgasbord.

Okay. Let's say the impossible has happened. You wake up, find yourself in a world where most everyone around you has become a zombie. They're out for brains (if you're still a living breathing person, they'll be after yours, and no, it doesn't matter if you two used to play golf together). So they'll be out for you. I can't imagine that being torn apart by a horde of zombies will be a pleasant death.

What kind of world will you be facing? Well, obviously a bad one. Zombies will be the majority, and they'll get themselves organized. They might even run for elected office.

Of course, that doesn't count out the enemies of the past rising up from the grave and causing their own problems in the world, does it?

 What kind of world will our zombie counterparts carve out for themselves? When they're not carving out the inner organs of the Ludlows down the street (sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Ludlow, but you did have it coming; the pink flamingoes on the lawn really are tacky).

Zombies will, eventually, want to experience some form of culture. So inevitably there will come the rise of zombie movies. Such as Indiana Jones And The Feast Of Brains.

Obviously this idea would have to be taken out by surviving humans post haste. No more of that, thank you very much....

We can't forget the comic books that will rise up in the new zombie order....

Zombie children must be entertained too....

And tween zombies will want their Bieber for some reason. Wonderful. Is it too much to ask for a post-apocalyptic world that doesn't feature the Biebertwit?

Is there room for romance in the lives of zombies?

Well, the zombies do like their pin-up zombie girls....

And there'll also be the zombie pet problem to cope with.

Obviously religious rites will take on a whole new meaning. Communion, for instance...

We can hope it doesn't happen. We can hope that the zombiepocalypse that's foretold in sci-fi and horror never comes to pass. If it does, however, I suggest some things. First, get used to shooting zombies who used to be people. Yes, I know it goes against your nature to shoot your neighbour (at least it should), but Zombie Phil doesn't share your hesitation, and only wants to feast on your grey matter. And your intestines. Your heart too. So suck it up and start shooting. Aim for the head while you're at it. Second, if you've got a weak stomach and are sickened when you see blood, you might as well just give up and cover yourself with barbecue and honey sauce. A patrol of zombies will be along shortly to finish you off. Because if you do have a weak stomach, you're not going to last long in Zombie World.

Lastly... if zombies are chasing you, make sure the guy running with you is slower then you are.

Hey, it's about self preservation!