Ghosts Of Republicans Past

And so the relentlessly slow onslaught of pre-election nonsense goes on in the United States, and we're still over a year away from the big day. You know, here in Canada, we have ourselves a few weeks of an election campaign, the day comes, votes are counted, and it's done. It's not one long, endless election campaign that starts the day after the last election. Not that we have anything to brag about. We did, after all, vote in a majority for a school yard thug, his pack of neo-cons, and his ideology trumps everything way of doing business. It's going to be a long four years in these parts...

Anyway, while the President waits for the Republicans to choose their candidate for next year (it's a marathon process, which isn't helped by the fact that the candidates keep running into each other like a pack of blind mice... oh, excuse me, visually impaired rodents), the Republicans have fielded a group of candidates, some of whom have already given up and gone home, others of whom haven't actually declared yet, and one of whom seems to have been declared the front runner despite the fact that he seems to be utterly lacking in intellectual skills. I know, don't worry, you say, but this is the same party that gave the nomination to Dubya, and look how that turned out...

For some reason, Rick Perry, neo-con governor of Texas (and regular signer of death warrants for the convicted), is touted by some pundits as the front runner. This, despite his being from Texas. Again, remember what happened the last time a Texas governor got the nomination and then the Presidency. For that alone, I would submit that Texas must  be demoted from statehood until it can learn to behave itself.  Yes, I know such sentiments are going to result in a bounty being placed on my head by the state of Texas. Don't remind me.

 What happens if he should get the nomination? Let's speculate for a moment. I imagine Governor Rick could go the unconventional route, and nominate country singer Toby Keith as his vice presidential candidate. They both think along the same political lines. They're both slightly crackers.

And worse... if he actually wins in November 2012 (God help us all), does that mean Alan Jackson's going to perform at the inauguration?

Governor Rick hasn't been doing all that well during the debates. He tends to wander about (verbally speaking). He rambles. He gets lost. He makes Dubya look like a genius. He talks about how a President has to "love America." How deep and thoughtful. I wonder which of his speech writing chimps wrote that one up. Proof positive, ladies and gentleman, that he wants to be a country singing President.

From this side of the border, Governor Rick (Lil Ricky to his buddies) looks like a disaster waiting to happen. Either that, or Dubya in a mask pretending to be Ronald Reagan.

Not that the rest of the field of candidates are that much more impressive. Particularly in the intellectual department. To prove my point, need I remind you about Exhibit #2, also known as Michele Bachmann?

And by extension, there's a woman who looks like a rocket scientist when compared to Michele. Which is odd, because no one would ever call her that otherwise. Yes, I'm talking about the Rogue. The Mama Bear. The former Alaska governor who can't bring herself to finish anything she's elected to. The former television reality show centerpiece and Tea Party darling. Sarah can't bring herself to decide if she should actually run, so the debates are going on without her. The reason for her strangely prolonged absense? She's back at the Cheney Project, where she was once created under the auspices of a mad scientist to be the first Republican neo-con woman President. She was supposed to be Cheney's finest achievement. Unfortunately the programming process went wrong somewhere along the line...

Cheney is aggravated by the failure of the project, and has gone back to having his people genetically engineer flying monkeys and minotaurs for his personal use.

Meanwhile, the President waits for the Republicans to get their act together (this may take awhile). He's got a lot on his plate, from economic worries to military engagements to wondering how stern he should look at any given time. Rumors that he's considering just rebooting the whole thing remain unconfirmed, though he did have two consultants in the other day...

Stunning Revelations From A Vice Presidential Memoir

When you've been the Vice-President of the United States and your term in that position is done, it usually means one of two things. Either you've just successfully run for President and won, or you slip back into obscurity. There aren't that many former Vice Presidents around, of course. We have Al Gore, who after losing the 2000 election (well, sort of, but it's so convoluted to begin with, and Al's not the subject today) turned himself into an environmental guru, travelling the world in big jets and preaching the ways of environmental stewardship (apparently Al doesn't see the conflict of interest). He gives his patented Al Gore lectures* to crowds (* in short form, Gorture). And he drones on and on.

There's also Dan Quayle, who spends his time writing the definitive work on the proper spelling of potato, while chasing down Candace Bergin and challenging her to settle their vendetta once and for all in a duel. Rumor has it Little Danny prefers either a contest of rock paper scissors or an epic clash of thumb wars.

Then there's Dick Cheney.

The former Vice President, Dark Lord of the Sith, scourge of liberals and human rights activists, hunter of lawyers, and walking heart attack has never really gone away, spending his time on Sunday morning talk shows railing against the Obama administration, justifying himself, putting his record in the best possible light (no easy feat), and generally finding it impossible to just shut up.

Now he's out with a new memoir, continuing to make no apologies for his actions, taking cheap shots at pretty much everyone he ever knew, and, no doubt, justifying his ideology trumps facts as a wonderful idea. Today I thought I'd look at some of the more unexpected revelations from the Cheney memoir....

Dick never did understand why people love the Star Wars films as much as they do. The whole series comes to a conclusion with the good guy (the Emperor) getting betrayed and murdered by his apprentice, who, up until that point in time, is a stand-up kind of Dark Lord of the Sith.

Dick occasionally let Dubya in to play in the Oval Office while he ran the country, but he never let him near the buttons that set off the nukes. One couldn't be too careful, and Dick knew better then to trust a Texan around nukes.

Dick always broke down into tears at the end of It's A Wonderful Life, because he'd have preferred to see that villainous George Bailey carted off to jail, or throw himself off a bridge. "What kind of ending is that?" Dick was known to bellow each December 24th.

When he wasn't busy waterboarding people, Dick made Powell and Rice play hide and seek, telling them they couldn't come out of their hiding places until he'd find them. That way they were out of his (sparse) hair for seven or eight months.

Dick admitted that he's on his seventeenth replacement heart, thank you very much, and he's looking at arcane rituals that'll allow him to live forever. No, it doesn't involve cryogenics.

Yes, Dick waterboarded suspects. He freely admits it. He even waterboarded Carrot Top, but even the human rights activists who are after him for war crimes find it hard to find anything wrong with that.

Dick acknowledges that he's got some issues. He thinks it comes from being called Dick early on, and while he wishes he'd gone by Richard (he might have turned out to be a kinder sort of fellow), what's done is done.  He remarks that there's an old expression about stealing candy from babies. He never saw anything wrong with that...

As to the whole shooting lawyers thing... well, Dick does bring that up. He remarks on his all time favourite story, The Most Dangerous Game, which is about a man who's hunting human beings. He sees nothing wrong with that. He thinks it's admirable and challenging. Dick doesn't come out and say it, but hypothetically skirts the issue in a remark about how thrilling it is to have a lawyer in your gunsights. He also adds that he wrote a lifetime worth of pardons for himself so that if... accidents happen while on a weekend hunting excursion, he's free and clear. Very handy when you can write your own pardons, isn't it?

Strangely though, he bemoans the fact that nobody takes him up on going hunting anymore.... You wonder why that would be.

What Do You Mean, You Unleashed A Plague Of The Undead?

"Oh no! The dead have risen and they're voting Republican!" ~  Lisa Simpson

"To eat, or not to eat brains, that is the question." ~ Zombie Shakespeare

"Fourteen score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all zombies are entitled to brains." ~ Zombie Lincoln, the Second Gettysburg Address

"Braaaaaaaiiiiinssss!" ~ Malcolm Porter, Rapid City zombie district commander, January 4th, 2021

And so we return once more to the genre of the brain eating slow-witted undead today (no, not the cast of Dancing With The Stars). The zombie. As I've shown you before, the zombie is a strange beast in the horror genre, muttering incoherently (mostly about brains) and shuffling about in large numbers in a post-apocalyptic world, while a small group of humans race to prevent themselves from being the next blue plate special at a zombie smorgasbord.

Okay. Let's say the impossible has happened. You wake up, find yourself in a world where most everyone around you has become a zombie. They're out for brains (if you're still a living breathing person, they'll be after yours, and no, it doesn't matter if you two used to play golf together). So they'll be out for you. I can't imagine that being torn apart by a horde of zombies will be a pleasant death.

What kind of world will you be facing? Well, obviously a bad one. Zombies will be the majority, and they'll get themselves organized. They might even run for elected office.

Of course, that doesn't count out the enemies of the past rising up from the grave and causing their own problems in the world, does it?

 What kind of world will our zombie counterparts carve out for themselves? When they're not carving out the inner organs of the Ludlows down the street (sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Ludlow, but you did have it coming; the pink flamingoes on the lawn really are tacky).

Zombies will, eventually, want to experience some form of culture. So inevitably there will come the rise of zombie movies. Such as Indiana Jones And The Feast Of Brains.

Obviously this idea would have to be taken out by surviving humans post haste. No more of that, thank you very much....

We can't forget the comic books that will rise up in the new zombie order....

Zombie children must be entertained too....

And tween zombies will want their Bieber for some reason. Wonderful. Is it too much to ask for a post-apocalyptic world that doesn't feature the Biebertwit?

Is there room for romance in the lives of zombies?

Well, the zombies do like their pin-up zombie girls....

And there'll also be the zombie pet problem to cope with.

Obviously religious rites will take on a whole new meaning. Communion, for instance...

We can hope it doesn't happen. We can hope that the zombiepocalypse that's foretold in sci-fi and horror never comes to pass. If it does, however, I suggest some things. First, get used to shooting zombies who used to be people. Yes, I know it goes against your nature to shoot your neighbour (at least it should), but Zombie Phil doesn't share your hesitation, and only wants to feast on your grey matter. And your intestines. Your heart too. So suck it up and start shooting. Aim for the head while you're at it. Second, if you've got a weak stomach and are sickened when you see blood, you might as well just give up and cover yourself with barbecue and honey sauce. A patrol of zombies will be along shortly to finish you off. Because if you do have a weak stomach, you're not going to last long in Zombie World.

Lastly... if zombies are chasing you, make sure the guy running with you is slower then you are.

Hey, it's about self preservation!