The Twilight Saga: Will Someone Please Stake Mr. Sparkles?

And so we come to it at last... The Mr. Sparkles blog. I know, a fair number of you Twi-hards have been indulgent as I've skewered Dog Boy and the Sullen Idiot in the last two blogs, but now I'm getting down to the last member of the Unholy Trinity... and it might well be that skewering Mr. Sparkles is verboten territory.

It's a shame my face is out there in my blog comments. Otherwise I could have just as easily put up a picture of my idiot ex-brother in law with his sneer and beady eyes. I'd have said, "Yes, this is what I look like, and if you feel like murdering me because of this blog, I live somewhere in Brampton, Ontario. Just start knocking at every door. Sooner or later you'll find me!"

Oh well. Should have thought of that one sooner.

And so... let us begin. Yes, Mr. Sparkles (also known as Edward Cullen, also known as Eddie Weddie, also known as Widdle Eddie), has singlehandedly set back the reputation of vampires in fiction back into parody. Where the vampire has long been feared as a predatory monster, now these books have created a very different kind of vampire. One who sparkles. How have these monsters fallen so far?

There are actually Twilight condoms???

Folks, let me remind you... in the folklore and fictional tradition, vampires are soulless, predatory monsters that aren't interested in a relationship. All they want is your blood. Lots of it. That is, after all, what they survive on. And writing them as if they're the good guy does them no service. They really need to get some PR people on their side to remind the world that they're still bad asses. Stephanie Meyer has dealt a savage blow to their reputation.

"Lo, in that day, the Twi-hards will scream in ecstasy when the storytelling of the sparkly one begins. And those who dislike the sparkly one and all that he represents will roll their eyes in dismay and hope that the plague of sparkly vampires passes quickly, for it is truly an irritating plague, more so then the bite of the blackfly...." ~ from the Book of Kendall, Chapter XII, Verse XVI.

Yes, it's bad enough that girls are growing up reading this and thinking of how romantic it must be to be stalked by a dead guy. But some of their mothers are doing the same thing!

And what for? For this guy!

Edward Cullen, also known as Mr. Sparkles, I sentence you to be staked in the heart until you are naught but ash, for the grave offense of annoying me.....

I've already compared the Twilight franchise to Harry Potter last time out. I'll draw out one more comparison. JK Rowling brought death into the game from the start, by making her protagonist an orphan whose parents were killed by a dark wizard. That's throwing a child character into the deep end, which is a good thing. And as the series progressed, she had no problem killing characters the readers cared about in traumatic ways (with the exception of Cedric Diggory, who would be doomed to be played in the movie by the same guy who went on to play Mr. Sparkles. Nobody cares about Cedric). My point is, she wasn't afraid to kill off good characters, and indeed, by the last book, it seems half the characters die.

Contrast this with the conclusion of the Twilight books. No, I haven't read them. I thought I made that clear. Still, I know how it ends, so... nobody dies! Despite the fact that a responsible author might kill off a long time character or two as a sacrifice, Meyer chooses not to. Instead, she gives everyone a happy ending.

Well, except for those of us who dislike the series. We might have preferred an ending where Edward gets staked, Bella takes her own life out of grief, and Jacob, finding his two menage a trois playmates, throws himself in front of a silver bullet rather then face a life alone.

That would be a happy ending. Plus, it would guarantee no further books in this series. See? It's a win-win, all ways round!

Mr. Sparkles has done the vampire world no favours. None of them like how he's ruined their reputation.

The lord of all vampires does not approve of Mr. Sparkles....

Neither do Lestat or Louis....

Vampire Kiefer would like a word with Edward....

Spike and Dru... you don't like the Cullens either? Of course not. Here, here's a stake. Go get them.

Come to think of it, other immortal young fictional characters have little use for the ways of Mr. Sparkles....

When will we get back to the days of proper vamps in book or film?

We just might have to make do with other monsters for awhile.

No, I don't get this one either....

What we need is someone (or something) to rid the world of the Cullens forever. In a pinch, a dinosaur will do....

Perhaps Lord Voldemort....

Blade, come on. You spend all your time hunting vamps, buddy. Stake this one. And his girlfriend. And while it's not your usual target, get rid of that werewolf.

Professor Van Helsing, come on. You have no problem beheading vampire brides. Do us all a favour and take out the Cullens. It won't take you more then five seconds. Edward's not a challenge, after all....

Or maybe we can leave it to the other Van Helsing, Gabriel. Listen, mate, there's this sparkly vampire the Vatican wants you to dust...

I think, in the end, we'll have to leave the job to a slayer. Buffy, the world needs you. Do what you do best. Take out Edward, once and for all. We'll be ever so grateful, we will.

Don't Look Now, But The Ghost Of Countess Bathory Is Right Behind You

 Once again, Hallowe'en has come upon the land. That magical time of year of tricking, treating, ghost stories, and when our darkest parts of our imagination get to run free for the night. It's also the time of year when endless reruns of Hallowe'en gets replayed over and over again on cable channels, and Donald Pleasance keeps trying to kill Michael Myers. Michael does, of course, have it coming....

Lots of jack o'lanterns get carved, of course, and some people put a lot of particular effort into decorating their homes for the festivities.

"Gentlemen, Operation World Domination begins this Monday. The odd decorations the humans put out are central to our plans. Let me explain..."

One pumpkin to rule them all....

"Now, witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational jack o'lantern."

Here in Ottawa, we have many a ghost haunting some of the public and less public places scattered throughout. Like other cities, there's a touring company that runs several Haunted Walks, telling the ghost stories of the city. I thought I'd touch briefly on three of them.

The luxurious Chateau Laurier hotel was commissioned a century ago by railroad baron Charles Melville Hays. In 1912, it was finished, and Hays was coming from Europe with a large shipment of furniture for the grand opening of the hotel, but unfortunately he took passage aboard a certain ship you may have heard of. Hays and his furniture went down aboard the Titanic. Since then, there have been sightings of the great man in the hotel, among other ghosts...

The Carleton County Gaol (or Jail, depending on your nationality) is now used as a youth hostel and small museum, but in its day it was a prison downtown, where hangings took place of condemned men, including the convicted assassin of Thomas D'Arcy McGee, one of our Fathers of Confederation. The place is haunted of course, and having had been in there, I can say that you can feel the coldness of it, the sensation that you're being watched. It's a creepy, creepy kind of place to even briefly visit.

Watson's Mill is on the shore of the Rideau River in the village of Manotick, a short drive away from the city. Indeed, I was just there myself this weekend. The 19th century era grist mill is still in operation today, producing flour and selling bread. The building is open for visits, the equipment remains in place, and there's a spectral presence too. A young wife of an owner paid a visit to the mill one day a century and a half ago, and was killed in a tragic accident. Her ghost is still said to be seen in the mill and the grounds. Having had been on my own in the attic space during my last visit... I did have the distinct feeling of someone else there with me....

At this time of year, cartoonists get busy with the theme of the supernatural, of course, so I thought I'd  collect a few of them from the last few weeks for you. Plenty of ghosts, witches, monsters, and such to go around for everyone. And no, don't worry, just because there are the odd vampires in the mix doesn't mean it involves any glittery ones....

If you're drinking coffee, you might want to put it down before clicking on this. Just saying.

Even editorial cartoonists get into the act this time of year....

One might, if one is a fan of the genre, feel the need to participate in a Zombie walk, such as these fine folk did recently here in Ottawa. It was a bit strange to keep passing people with blood on their faces through the streets... and then realize there was a point to it.....

Coming for Hallowe'en 2012... Barbie: Malibu Serial Killer...

And so I bid you a Happy Hallowe'en. Mind the ghosts and goblins. And if you see any sparkly vampires, take out the stake. You'll be doing the vamp a favour by putting them out of their misery.