Not The Ideal Christmas Gift

"Please come back to Stratford. We really are a pleasant town to visit, to see the Festival. Just because a mop headed cretin comes from here doesn't mean you have to hold it against us!"

-Statement from the Chamber of Commerce, Stratford, Ontario.

We hear you, Stratford. Don't worry. In a couple of years, you'll be back to being known for your outstanding, world class Shakespearean festival, rather than as the hometown of a short kid who's making fourteen year old girls go out of their minds. Just wait. His career should implode in on itself within the year. Eighteen months at the outset. When that happens, and his business managers have stolen every cent they can get out of him (not a joke, mark my words, it'll happen) he'll be in full washed up mode. You can hold your heads high when that happens.

In his quest to make as much cash as possible before his fan base grows up and leaves him behind, Justin Bieber has been heavily into the marketing. There's, let's see... albums, a concert film, a "memoir" (photo heavy on that one), and now... the doll.

Don't believe me?

I told you. Justin Bieber dolls. Yes, the mop headed cretin is releasing dolls of himself. Bit of an odd combination, that one. Does the mop headed cretin even know how to play a guitar?

The marketing chimps who thought this one up misfired. His fan base are made up exclusively of thirteen to sixteen year old girls who speak like OMG!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! DID YOU SEE???? all the time. They've set aside their days of dolls. No more Barbie and Ken for his fans. And as much as they're insanely adoring of the short twit, would they really want to pick up that old habit? I would say no.

There might, however, be another use for these dolls, and I submit it to you now.

Those of us who are sane and have a reasonably decent taste in music (ie something other than bubbleheaded teen acts put together by a studio executive) generally agree, regardless of preferred genres, that Bieber music constitutes cruel and unusual punishment, and even torture. Come on, admit it, even if you've got a thirteen year old daughter. It is torture!

I submit to you that we can make use of these dolls for our own revenge. Here's just a few such ideas.

1. Consult with a witch doctor about turning the Justin doll into a voodoo doll. Then start with the needles, the tossing off cliffs, the dipping into the fireplace, and whatever other method you choose.

2. Use it as a tug toy between you and your dog Killer.

3. Tow it behind your car, just to see how long it takes before it's unrecognizable.

4. Gather together a band of world class thieves (preferably a total of eleven), break into the Louvre, steal the Mona Lisa, and splice the doll into the video footage to make it appear that Justin Bieber himself stole the painting.

5. Do the same as above, but leave the doll behind, thus suggesting to the police that the theft was pulled off by Bieberites.

6. Give it to someone you hate as a heartfelt Christmas gift, and smile as they grind their teeth in frustration.

7. Spray catnip on it, and leave it for your cat.

8. Four words: Justin Bieber Doll Catapult.

9. Send Russell Brand pictures of the Doll photoshopped in with Katy Perry. Wait to see what happens when the living cat hairball goes ballistic on the real thing.

10. Entomb it in a time capsule (don't worry, no one ever opens those things anyway, and this way you'll be rid of the thing) with a note of explanation: yes, once upon a time, mercifully briefly, this mop headed cretin was popular. Try not to hold it against us, future people and or ruthless machine overlords.

F Is For Funeral

Beloved Muppet Mourned, Comedian Makes Ass Of Self
The funeral of muppet Elmo took place at Sesame Street today. The street was closed to traffic, and a large stage set up at one end. Many came to mourn, many came to remember the all too short life of Elmo, who was tragically murdered last week. Grover, the beloved muppet who was supplanted by Elmo in the affections of many, is in jail awaiting a bail hearing after being charged with the murder.

Elmo was brought in by pall bearers Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch, who carried the casket between them. The mourners included the entire contingent from the Muppet Show and Sesame Street production crews. Longtime couple Bert and Ernie cried in each others' arms. Count von Count did all he could to avoid religious symbols. Cookie Monster was eyeing the dessert tables set for the reception afterwards. Kermit the Frog gave the first eulogy.

"We should remember Elmo for all the fun he created," Kermit remarked sadly. "Not the way he died. Elmo brought a lot of life into the lives of children, and into our own. Oh, sure, he really tended to hog the attention, and I'm sure there were people who resented that. Resented that with all the seething, bitter resentment they could feel. Maybe that's why Grover did what he did. Oh, I shouldn't say things like that. He's still innocent before proven guilty, after all."

Bob Johnson was next. "You know, this hasn't happened since Mr. Hooper died. We haven't had a funeral here at Sesame Street in so many years. Elmo will be missed. And yet with his image preserved and his toys still selling like hotcakes, we'll be raking in the dough for years to come! Drinks are on me afterwards! Oh, wait, did I say that out loud?"

Two unlikely attendees turned up next. Singer Katy Perry, who recently did a duet with Elmo for the show, was accompanied by her significant other, comedian Russell Brand. Perry wore a black outfit, accentuating her cleavage, which, incidentally, was the reason her clip with Elmo would not be shown on the show. Brand was dressed as sloppily as ever, staggering drunk, apparently smoking something that smelled like weed. Perry wept over the coffin, while Brand knocked Big Bird out of the way on stage and took to the podium.

"Look, you bleedin' tossers! That no account mother****er Elmo had it coming!" Brand declared, slurring his words. "I found him in bed with my Katy! She was naked and on top of him and singing I ****ed a Muppet! So of course he got what was coming to him! I'm only sad I didn't get to off the wanker myself! I'd like to make a toast to that prince of a git, Grover, for doing what's right and killing the little bastard!"

Big Bird tackled Brand at this point. Officer Ted came up on stage, dragging Brand off stage. In the eyes of this reporter, it was as if a giant cats' furball was being taken away.

The funeral came to an end, with many tears shed. People made their way over to the reception area, only to discover many of the cookies eaten, the cake broken into, and underneath the table, Cookie Monster groaning after pigging out on cookies and cake.

"Me not feel so good!" Cookie Monster was heard to groan. 

And at the lone coffin, Katy Perry continued to weep. "Elmo! Elmo! You're the love of my life! You can't be dead!"

At the county jail, Grover was asked for his comment. "I am not guilty, sir! I am being framed, sir! Please, sir! You must tell the world my story!"

Grover has few supporters. Outside the building, a couple hold their own vigil. When asked, the woman identified herself only as Karla. She shook her head when asked if she believes Grover is guilty. "Absolutely not. Grover wouldn't hurt anyone. Or hire anyone to do this. He was with us that night, having a threesome...."

And so this reporter shook his head, wondering how man-woman-muppet sex works. An icon is dead. A faded icon is charged. And a British wanker is spending the night in a cell, sleeping off yet another drinking spree.