Redford and Newman Never Swindled People This Way

Once upon a time, two con men named Gondorff and Hooker engineered a con to take a nasty piece of work crime boss for everything they could get. One setup, hook, tale, wire, and shut out later, they had the mark right where they wanted him, and swindled the bastard for all they could get.

Those were the days. Now con artists have moved off in another direction.

Internet scammers, the modern day scourge of technology. And like the cockroaches they are, if one of them is around, you can count on there being more.

Over at his blog, Mike Saxton regularly rakes them over the coals. There are common threads to the typical internet scammer messages, of course. Mistakes in grammar or punctuation. Sob stories to gain your sympathy. The promise of huge amounts of money. You can find his blog right here for more examples.

For the most part, my junk filters in email work just fine. Usually they catch the typical sort of junk we all get. Ads for whatever product or service some babbling chimp (oh, sorry, marketing executive) thinks we need. In the last few weeks, however, I've been getting some classic internet scam emails. One of them even borrowed the identity of an actual British lord. I wonder how His Lordship feels about identity theft.

The following message is one ludicrous example:

---

Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2011 11:47:56 -0700
From: stella.samuel1@hotmail.fr
Subject: GOD BLESS AS YOU READ.
To:

GOD BLESS AS YOU READ. DEAR BLOVED, Greetings,I am Mrs .Stella Samuel. an aging widow suffering from long time illness. i am currently admitted in a hospital here in Abidjan cote d' Ivore, from all indication my conditions is really deterioration and it is quite obvious that I won live more than months, according to my doctor, I have some funds I inherited from my late loving husband. Engr Samuel Martin,  the sum of USD .($7.900.000.00) dollars(Seven Million,  Nine Hundred Thousand US Dollars) in a prime bank in Abidjan. and I need a honest and God fearing person who have the feelings of human that can use this funds for God's work and 30% out of the total funds will be for your compasation for doing this work of God. my late husband died after five years,and during the period of our marriage we could 't produce any child. and after my husband death I inherited all his business and wealth. So i saw your email from internet and decided to contact you.  Please if you would be able to use these funds for the Lord's work kindly reply to me. May the Grace of our Lord Jesus Christ the love of God and the sweet fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you and your family's Amen. Your Sister In The Lord. MRS .Stella  Samuel. Classic signs of the typical Scammeritis Annoyingus species there, ladies and gentlemen. Deplorable grammar skills. The sob story. The promise of big bucks. She's even trying to appeal to religious sensibilities. Hey, for all she knows, I might worship Odin! Almighty Odin, smite down this pestilence.... She, he, or they would like to have the suckers who buy this believe that she's a decripit African lady on her deathbed, who just happens to have millions of dollars she inherited from her dead husband (whose surname doesn't even match hers, to boot) in an African bank. How many African engineers do you know who have millions of dollars? Discounting the ones who engineer weapons? Exactly.  This is the image the scammers want you to associate with this sob story. In fact, this is probably what she really looks like. Of course, there are inevitably people who are gullible enough to fall for this. If only one in a hundred people who get this respond, that's enough. The scammer at the other end of the email will have their hooks in the mark, and soon enough, will have bled every bit of money they can get out of the gullible fool. If internet scammers had been around in the days of Exodus, all it would have taken was one plague of them on Egypt. The Pharoah would have called Moses in. "Moses, take your people and leave! Go! And if you don't mind, will you drop some Nigerian scammers into the Red Sea while you're going?"

Oh God, I pierced the toast!

So I got to see F. Murray Abraham introduce (an actual 35mm print of the director's cut) of Amadeus! It was a smallish theater (about 100 seats) near my school I never knew existed. It's not a "real" theater but one the theatre district seems to use for special screenings and obscure foreign films. (I've only been here nearly two years, wtf.)

Anyway, it was pretty much sold out, but I got a front-row seat. Abraham was a very good speaker, very entertaining and I think he could have gone on for quite a while! It was at 630pm, however, as they had to rush him off for the mainstage show--he is in town playing Shylock in The Merchant of Venice.



And then a few days later, I ran into Abraham at one of my regular bars in the theatre district! I chatted with him briefly--he is incredibly laid back, easygoing and fun to talk to. Apparently he was raised in TX as well, which I found surprising.

And apparently I have to go to Italy for these...



I had said I was pretty sure nothing will ever taste as good as they look in the film. (Although I read that in the film they were just marzipan, and Elizabeth Berridge didn't realize she could just spit them out. She ended up eating about 15 whole ones though they were totally disgusting...she finally had to go make herself sick. Huh, well they sure LOOK awesome!)

And COMPLETELY unrelated, I registered for my final fall semester this morning! Estate and gift tax, business planning, advanced legal writing in connection with the Innocence Project, laws of war and of course my clinic. The former two are an effort to be well rounded and employable. I am looking forward to BP far more than the tax class, I can assure you. The laws of war is part of finishing an international concentration and the writing is an effort to have more/better writing samples at the ready, plus I've already taken a writing class with the professor who teaches it.

First time I got all the classes I wanted, sheesh...

Artillery

Taken out of context, with no knowledge of the artist or his/her intentions, is this cartoon an attack on Islam? Or on terrorism – implying that terrorism is a betrayal of Islamic principles? Or on art? And if we do interpret it as anti-Islamic, where do we place it on a theoretical continuum of offensiveness, with Koran-burning at one end and maybe this

at the other?

The Sentinel of Liberty, The Foul Mouthed Director, And The In Flight Adult Situations

I first wrote this a couple of years ago. Before the actual film was set up with a director and crew, I played around with this fake news article. I'm planning on doing a followup sometime soon.

One note: the reference to the bodybuilder nicknamed "Big Ben" who tried to have himself cast in the role? It's a real thing. This nobody put together a Youtube video, which was profoundly cheesy (and by profoundly I mean that as a vast understatement) trying to get attention for himself, expecting it would naturally get him cast as the lead in a big summer motion picture. Unfortunately a couple of lunatics posted the damned video all over the internet under various names. For a long while, they just wouldn't shut up...

Anyway, without further ado....

Smith To Direct The First Avenger

New York (AP) Marvel Studios has announced the director of the upcoming film The First Avenger: Captain America. Kevin Smith, filmmaker behind Clerks and Dogma, occasional comic book writer of such titles as Daredevil and Green Arrow, has signed to helm the much anticipated project.

Smith appeared at a news conference yesterday with Marvel Editor In Chief Joe Quesada, Marvel legend Stan Lee, and three cast members he has already chosen: DJ Qualls, Elizabeth Banks, and longtime collaborator Jason Mewes. "Kevin and I go way back," Quesada told the group of reporters assembled for the news. "And I know he'll be perfect to tell the story of Captain America. In fact, I'm betting the whole future of the company on it."

Smith laughed at that, and then went into discussing his vision for the film. "See, people don't find Captain America all that funny. I think he could be a riot, if you do it right. Which is why I'm going to do the whole thing as a comedy. I've cast DJ here as Captain America... "

At that, there was a collective gasp from the reporters. Qualls is indeed an unlikely choice for the role. He's a small sort, maybe 120 pounds soaking wet, and he's played slackers or hackers in film and tv projects like The Core and Lost. When asked what he could bring to the role, Qualls replied, "Man, I don't know. I just got called up by Kevin here, and he said he had an idea for a film he wanted me in. I'm playing Captain America? Kevin, what the hell have you been smoking, dude?"

Smith retook control of the conference. "It's an odd choice, sure. But come on. There was this idiot on the net claiming this bodybuilder he called Big Ben should be cast as Captain America. The guy posting all this crap all over the place was a moron. As if I'd ever cast some anonymous twits' fantasy boy as the lead in a major motion picture." Smith added that he himself will be playing Crossbones. "I'm a big guy, and I'm planning on using a mask just like the character to hide my ****ing ugly mug. And my bro there, Jason? He'll be playing the Red Skull."

Mewes launched into an expletive filled rant about the casting choice. "****ing right I'm the ****ing Red Skull! I'm gonna ****ing blow the audience away! It's gonna be ****ing legendary!!!"

"I'm going for a record of curse words in a Marvel film," Smith explained. That's why I've brought in Jason. Unfortunately, this time I can't use my Silent Bob persona to play Crossbones, so Silent Bob won't be about. Which brings us to our lovely Miss Banks, who's appearing in my latest film, Zack and Miri Make A Porno. She'll be cast as Sharon Carter."

Banks smiled at the introduction. "It's going to be a lot of fun playing a kick ass agent. And just to make sure we're catering to an adult audience, we're going to have the first pornographic scene in a Marvel film too. See, Cap and Sharon are going to have a graphic sex scene in a fighter jet, and the whole state of Utah will be up in arms at the very thought of it."

As for Lee, the man who did so much to put Marvel on the map? "Well, you know, I do have a habit of making cameos in these films. It's the only thing I really do with my time these days. Kevin here wants me in for much more then a cameo. He's got me playing Bucky."

News of the film devastated former Batman Forever and Batman & Robin director Joel Schumacher, who was determined to direct a Captain America film. He has announced to the world that his next film will be called Major Liberty featuring a star spangled hero in a nipple costume.

Silly point

Joseph O’Neill’s novel Netherland (2008) tells the story of a New York-based Dutchman whose marriage unravels in the aftermath of 9/11, and who attempts to pull himself together by joining a cricket club in Staten Island. Barack Obama  apparently thought it was very good, and so do I. It would be more than a little trite to describe Netherland as a novel about cricket; but at the same time, without cricket there wouldn’t really be much of a novel. So I was a bit surprised when I saw a US paperback edition of Netherland in a Bangkok bookshop the other day, and noticed that there was no reference to cricket anywhere on the cover. Not even an opportunistic World Cup tie-in...

OK, so most Americans don’t get cricket, despite the fact that the first ever international match was played on US soil, so it was probably a hard-headed decision on the part of the publishers, who reckoned that nobody would buy a book that involved a sport they barely know exists. But would a British publisher bring out an edition of The Natural by Bernard Malamud with no indication that it might contain stuff about baseball? Or Jim Carroll’s The Basketball Diaries with the title erased...

(The image is of the mighty Bart King, the greatest American cricketer of all time, who in his last tour of England, in 1911, took 87 wickets at an average of 11.01. Which, for the benefit of my lovely American readers, is rather good.)

A Snake Among Lawyers, Stockbrokers, Accountants, And Other Scoundrels

"There's a big snake in the plane, Jock!"

"Oh, that's just my pet snake Reggie!"

"I hate snakes, Jock! I hate 'em!"

"Come on! Show a little backbone, will ya?"

And so, after narrowly escaping a cave full of deathtraps, a tribe of angry natives, and a sneaky competitor who, in the long run, will get what's coming to him, Indiana Jones is revealed to not only be one of the definitive heroes of movie history, but to be afraid of snakes.

In the last few days, a cobra in the Bronx Zoo has become famous, for escaping. She's an adolescent snake, and it seems she eluded her keepers for several days before being found within the confines of the Reptile House. Zoo officials were, predictably, quite reassuring throughout. They noted that the cobra would only strike if provoked, and mentioned that the snake wouldn't be hungry (these critters don't eat that often), all the while trying to tempt the little thing out with the bait of mice for a snack.

During her time on the run, she's gotten a lot of followers. Someone at Twitter started up a BronxZooCobra identity and posted lots of updates from the snake's point of view. Conan O'Brien placed a cobra puppet into his band for a skit. Rumor of the cobra running for President remain unsubstantiated.

Norma and I chatted about the notion of a cobra loose in New York City, and the kinds of things it might do. On its own, in New York, which of course is ground zero for snakes of an entirely different sort. I mean the two legged ones. Lawyers, accountants, stockbrokers, agents, publishers, politicians, the list is endless. We agreed that Charlie Sheen would try to have the snake become his sidekick, and that it might run for mayor of the Big Apple against Mayor Bloomberg, who, Norma has long since decided, is an asp... or was that ass?

Inevitably had it gone on much longer, there would have been photoshop images of the cobra. We'd have seen the cobra standing in for Lee Harvey Oswald and getting shot by Jack Ruby. The cobra as Tiger Woods' caddy. The cobra on the moon.

Instead, she's back in the care of her keepers, and because of her popularity, the zoo's planning on holding a naming contest for her. Norma thinks Eden is a good one (as in Garden of...).

What is it about snakes that seem to get to a lot of people? People talk about fears of snakes, how creepy they seem. These critters have been getting a bad rep since man first noticed that reptile slithering across his cave while trying to figure out how to make a wheel.

They're found in many parts of the world, with a great variety. Many of them are shy and elusive. Some are venomous, others use constriction to get their dinner into a more... edible form. The joke in Australia is that the continent has 200 kinds of snakes. 199 of them are venomous. The one that's not will just eat you whole.

I rather like them. They keep the mice population in check, which is a very good thing, by the way. On the odd occasion during hiking or climbing, I'll come across them sunning themselves on a clifftop, and I've always thought of it as a treat to see them. Still, some people find their skin crawling at just the mention of the word snake. How peculiar.

Aren't they adorable?

Watch my mouth? You gotta be shittin' me!

Slowly, things are coming together! I HAVE A SUIT! I wasn't even planning on getting a suit when I went out...I had a $50 Express gift card from xmas and was desperately in need of pants or a skirt, just in general. My most-often used pair of trousers has a bizarre and unfortunately-placed stain that won't seem to go away and my black skirt is slowly falling apart. I wanted to wait until I lost a little weight, but oh well. Easier to take stuff in than somehow make things bigger...

So! No pants or skirts, but I did get a suit and some shirts for it! It's a brownish-grey, so I like that it's different, and it's a skirt suit. Hooray! On the downside, my motivation to live close to work is doubly so now, since I don't really envision bicycling in a tight pencil skirt.

Also no place to live yet, but there are two potentially on the horizon. There is also potentially an attic involved in one of them. The rent is fabulous, but I asked for photos. I mean, fuck, does it have a WINDOW? :/

I also do not have a ticket yet. And prices seem to have gone up. :( Baby steps. SUIT!

And yes, it snowed bunches last night. It was very hard to get up this morning, Mouchette was curled up in my arms, purring LOUDLY as he does, and you can really hear the wind from the 8th floor. And I know I just have to spend the day researching and writing about foreign direct investment and the WTO. Who WOULDN'T spring out of bed?

(I would also like to note that while both cats did get up with me, ten minutes later they totally snuck back to the bed.)

I took a break from the research last night to hit my hipster Cambridge bar for a few beers and to read my defense clinic binder. So I haven't even REGISTERED for this clinic yet, but the guy in charge has already sent us enough emails in one week to yield about a 3-inch stack of paper. They are slip opinions of recent (relevant) criminal defense cases. I just stuck them in a binder and figured I'd have a go at it over beer soon.

Despite the workload, some of the emails do have messages like, "Read this! Extreme miscarriage of justice SUCKS!" So at least he seems like a cool dude.

But oh, let's take a moment to examine how sad *I* can be. So I was reading this one case last night and the charges seemed bizarre and made me giggle.

The defendant was convicted of murder in the first degree on theories of deliberate premeditation and extreme atrocity and cruelty, unlawful possession of a firearm, unlawful possession of a large capacity feeding device, and unlawful possession of ammunition.

A large capacity feeding device? It just seemed really out of place, it amused me. (And to be honest, some of these cases can get awfully weird.) I was on my first beer and I can only pathetically offer than I had been reading about economics all day and wasn't in a "criminal law" mental place yet...?

I was soon joined by my bartender friend BW who had worked the lunch shift and subsequently came over to hang out once he finished his shift. I didn't say anything, just showed him the line and even he (who is very bright) laughed and said, "What the hell, like a trough?" (Of course, he's 24, from Maine and probably most importantly, not studying criminal law!)

I blame growing up with a parent who writes for the USDA, that's one excuse. Being totally naive (the nice way to put it) is probably more apt...

And you know, when I retire and write my novels for millions, it will probably be more interesting to incorporate some (um, illegal?) agricultural mass-feeding instrument, but in the meantime? In REALITY? First of all, context is a big red flag. It's a gun thing.

A "large capacity feeding device" basically means being able to fire off huge amounts of ammunition in one go, be it with a giant magazine or some other thing I wouldn't know about, but you get the idea. I think there was recent-ish legislation banning their usage (obviously). (BW looked it up on his iphone while we were laughing about it, it even brought up pics.)

So uh, I felt kinda dumb. BUT! If you google "large capacity feeder device" instead of "feeding device," well, you mostly get pics of big bird feeders and um, xerox machines. Again, context is a pretty important thing, huh.