I first wrote this a couple of years ago. Before the actual film was set up with a director and crew, I played around with this fake news article. I'm planning on doing a followup sometime soon.
One note: the reference to the bodybuilder nicknamed "Big Ben" who tried to have himself cast in the role? It's a real thing. This nobody put together a Youtube video, which was profoundly cheesy (and by profoundly I mean that as a vast understatement) trying to get attention for himself, expecting it would naturally get him cast as the lead in a big summer motion picture. Unfortunately a couple of lunatics posted the damned video all over the internet under various names. For a long while, they just wouldn't shut up...
Anyway, without further ado....
Smith To Direct The First Avenger
New York (AP) Marvel Studios has announced the director of the upcoming film The First Avenger: Captain America. Kevin Smith, filmmaker behind Clerks and Dogma, occasional comic book writer of such titles as Daredevil and Green Arrow, has signed to helm the much anticipated project.
Smith appeared at a news conference yesterday with Marvel Editor In Chief Joe Quesada, Marvel legend Stan Lee, and three cast members he has already chosen: DJ Qualls, Elizabeth Banks, and longtime collaborator Jason Mewes. "Kevin and I go way back," Quesada told the group of reporters assembled for the news. "And I know he'll be perfect to tell the story of Captain America. In fact, I'm betting the whole future of the company on it."
Smith laughed at that, and then went into discussing his vision for the film. "See, people don't find Captain America all that funny. I think he could be a riot, if you do it right. Which is why I'm going to do the whole thing as a comedy. I've cast DJ here as Captain America... "
At that, there was a collective gasp from the reporters. Qualls is indeed an unlikely choice for the role. He's a small sort, maybe 120 pounds soaking wet, and he's played slackers or hackers in film and tv projects like The Core and Lost. When asked what he could bring to the role, Qualls replied, "Man, I don't know. I just got called up by Kevin here, and he said he had an idea for a film he wanted me in. I'm playing Captain America? Kevin, what the hell have you been smoking, dude?"
Smith retook control of the conference. "It's an odd choice, sure. But come on. There was this idiot on the net claiming this bodybuilder he called Big Ben should be cast as Captain America. The guy posting all this crap all over the place was a moron. As if I'd ever cast some anonymous twits' fantasy boy as the lead in a major motion picture." Smith added that he himself will be playing Crossbones. "I'm a big guy, and I'm planning on using a mask just like the character to hide my ****ing ugly mug. And my bro there, Jason? He'll be playing the Red Skull."
Mewes launched into an expletive filled rant about the casting choice. "****ing right I'm the ****ing Red Skull! I'm gonna ****ing blow the audience away! It's gonna be ****ing legendary!!!"
"I'm going for a record of curse words in a Marvel film," Smith explained. That's why I've brought in Jason. Unfortunately, this time I can't use my Silent Bob persona to play Crossbones, so Silent Bob won't be about. Which brings us to our lovely Miss Banks, who's appearing in my latest film, Zack and Miri Make A Porno. She'll be cast as Sharon Carter."
Banks smiled at the introduction. "It's going to be a lot of fun playing a kick ass agent. And just to make sure we're catering to an adult audience, we're going to have the first pornographic scene in a Marvel film too. See, Cap and Sharon are going to have a graphic sex scene in a fighter jet, and the whole state of Utah will be up in arms at the very thought of it."
As for Lee, the man who did so much to put Marvel on the map? "Well, you know, I do have a habit of making cameos in these films. It's the only thing I really do with my time these days. Kevin here wants me in for much more then a cameo. He's got me playing Bucky."
News of the film devastated former Batman Forever and Batman & Robin director Joel Schumacher, who was determined to direct a Captain America film. He has announced to the world that his next film will be called Major Liberty featuring a star spangled hero in a nipple costume.
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