E Is For Eternal Torment

A note to new followers: you might want to click on Sesame Street down below. I've been at this a long while, and it's something of an ongoing story....

The seventh circle of Hell, a ghastly, desolate domain of the damned, one level up from the eighth circle of Hell, residence of lawyers and accountants. The deceased mutant Mammomax, formerly of the Brotherhood of Mutants, walks on his own through the corridors. He hears a sound behind him, and turns. Standing there, on the floor, is a small red muppet. It's Elmo, and the little red menace is staring up at him.

Elmo: Are you related to Mr. Snuffy?
Mammomax: Wait. Who's Mr. Snuffy?
Elmo: He's the wooly elephant who killed Elmo.
Mammomax: Sorry, I don't have any relatives named Mr. Snuffy.
Elmo: Oh. Elmo was wondering if you might be related to Mr. Snuffy.
Mammomax: I'm a mutant who looks like an elephant. Not an elephant.
Elmo: Elmo just saw those big ears and that trunk and Elmo just assumed.
Mammomax: Look, kid, don't just assume anything, and... who are you?
Elmo: Elmo has already told you who Elmo is. Elmo is Elmo.
Mammomax: Oh, terrific. You speak in the third person?
Elmo: Of course Elmo does that. Why doesn't everyone?
Mammomax: *sighing* I really am in Hell.
Elmo: Elmo doesn't know why Elmo is here.
Mammomax: Kid, my name is Mammomax.
Elmo: What kind of name is Mammomax?
Mammomax: It's the name I chose to use.
Elmo: Oh. Elmo thinks you made a mistake.
*A bald man comes down the corridor.*
Lex: Hello, Max. You made a new friend?
Mammomax: Lex Luthor, that kid's Elmo.
Lex: Elmo? The little red bastard muppet?
Elmo: Why do people call Elmo that name?
Lex: You must not have Sesame Street in your dimension, Max.
Mammomax: Oh, we do, just that I've never bothered watching it.
Lex: Consider yourself blessed. This infernal twit took it over in mine.
Elmo: That's mean! You're not a nice man, Lex Luthor. And you're bald.
Lex: A fact I've been told many, many times, and I'll thank you not to say it again.
Mammomax: Kid, he's a little touchy about the whole male pattern baldness thing.
Lex: I'd heard that Elmo Prime was down here in Hell. It must mean that every Elmo in every dimension vanished forever with his demise. Oh, what a glorious day that would have been. No more of that cackling laugh, no more taking away on screen time from more established characters. I would have loved to see that day, but here I am, stuck in Hell with no way to get out. Have I mentioned that I find that really annoying?
Mammomax: Lex, I didn't know you were that big a fan of a kid's show.
Lex: A very handy thing to watch in between planning world domination.
*A man in blue tights and a red cape comes towards the trio.*
Mammomax: Well, look here, Lex, it's your old nemesis.
Lex: Another pain in the neck. Elmo.... this is Superman.
Superman: Go **** yourself, Lex.
Elmo: That's a very naughty word.
Superman: Go **** yourself, kid.
Mammomax: Shocking, you think?
Elmo: Why did Superman say that?
Mammomax: He's apparently always had a foul mouth.
Superman: Damn right. Just like Ma and Pa raised me.
Mammomax: He was the greatest hero in his dimension.
Lex: And my arch foe, the man I hated above all others...
Superman: Awww, wah wah wah, poor ****ing Lex Luthor.
Elmo: But why does a hero spend all his time using no-no words?
Superman: Like I said, kid, I was raised that way. My Ma and Pa were the biggest ****ing dope growers in the Mid-West. They cursed all the ****ing time. They also grew some really premium weed, let me tell you. Real good to smoke that ****. Then one day, I'm minding my own business, and a gigantic elephant man comes through a dimensional wall and enters my world. One of those damned clones of yours, Max. One of those damned MegaMammomaxes. And what makes that even worse? That thing has Kryptonite coursing through his bloodstream! I ****ing died because of a giant elephant man! That's no way for a ****ing hero to ****ing die! No way at all!
Mammomax: Listen up, my clones are not my fault.
Lex: Wish I'd thought of giant elephant man clones.
Mammomax: That was a project by Mister Sinister.
Superman: What kind of ****ing name is Sinister?
Mammomax: All I am saying is I'm not responsible!
Superman: Oh, it doesn't matter anymore. I'm dead.
Lex: And he doesn't have any powers anymore either.
Superman: Damn you, I told you to go **** yourself!
Elmo: Elmo thinks that Superman is just as nasty and mean as Luthor.
Superman: Superman thinks that Elmo can.... damn! Now I'm doing it!

Winterlude: Over Already? That's Not Fair!

Yes, once more Winterlude has come to an end here in Ottawa and Gatineau, and I for one will miss it. It's a festival that brings in hundreds of thousands each year to skate on the Rideau Canal, to take in the city, and to celebrate the best weather Canada has to offer. Yes, I'm talking about the winter, quiet, you summer worshippers.... Goodbye, Ice Hogs who look like chipmunks....

One of the basic staples of Winterlude is the Beavertail, which, contrary to what you might think, is neither something kinky or a part of an actual beaver. It's a flat pastry, fried and covered with a variety of toppings. It's a business that's been around awhile, here in Ottawa, and if you pay a visit here, you have to try one out. There are permanent locations in the city, and numerous booths set up for festivals and big days like Canada Day.

I only got over to the other side of the Ottawa River, to Jacques Cartier Park in Gatineau, on the weekend, where I was dismayed to find that the snow sculptures were absent this year. It's actually my favourite part of the entire festival, sculpture teams from all provinces and territories carving out blocks of snow into art forms. Instead, there were a couple about in what's generally a children's play area, with giant snow slides built in the park, right beside the frozen river.

And so once again, time to put away the celebrations for another year. It doesn't mean the winter's over, of course. There's still all of March. And April. And May. And even June.

None more blog

The New York Times solicits a number of viewpoints on the apparent decline of blogging among the young:

“If you’re looking for substantive conversation, you turn to blogs,” Ms. Camahort Page said. “You aren’t going to find it on Facebook, and you aren’t going to find it in 140 characters on Twitter.”

or conversely:

Kim Hou, a high school senior in San Francisco, said she quit blogging months ago, but acknowledged that she continued to post fashion photos on Tumblr. “It’s different from blogging because it’s easier to use,” she said. “With blogging you have to write, and this is just images. Some people write some phrases or some quotes, but that’s it.”

Ah, that pesky “having to write” thing. There may be a useful analogy with cricket here. When the one-day form of the game began in the 1960s, traditionalists grumbled that it was a tawdry concession to the shrinking attention spans of the young, and that it would cause the end of the traditional first-class game (for which, read conventional news media).  Except that it didn’t really, although  Test cricket did feel the pressure for a while. Then, as if from nowhere, 20/20 cricket (Twitter, Tumblr, etc) arrived with its cheerleaders and fireworks, catering to even shorter attention spans, and suddenly it was one-day cricket that looked staid and tired, and pundits wonder whether the current World Cup might be the last. Ach, tell me I’m worrying about nothing. Blogging isn’t actually dying as such – it’s just that, in the words of cricket lover Ian Faith, its appeal is becoming more selective.

(Cartoon by gapingvoid)

All The King's Speech Therapists

Lionel Logue: "Why should I waste my time listening to you?"
King George VI: "Because I have a voice!"
Lionel Logue: "....yes, you do."


The Oscars are once more upon us (a blog or two about that will follow in coming days), and the smart money is on The King's Speech. The historical drama starring Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush, and Helena Bonham Carter leads the nominees, with nods for all three leads, Best Picture, Best Director (Tom Hooper), Cinematography, Screenplay, and Score. The film has not only been a critical hit, but has also resonated with worldwide audiences.

I first saw the film in December after its release, and found it a powerful, moving telling of the story of King George VI (Firth) and his struggle to overcome the speech impediment of stuttering during the lead-up to World War Two. I saw it again, and decided it was time to give it a proper review.

The film opens with Prince Albert, the future king, stumbling badly during a speech at Wembley Stadium in 1925, a moment which is a personal humiliation for him. During the years that follow, he tries various treatments to overcome his stuttering, but to no avail. We see the reasons for it. There's a strict father, King George V (Michael Gambon). Childhood issues such as repressive nannies, death in the family, and physical issues are all brought up. There's the complex relationship with a favoured brother, Edward VIII (Guy Pearce), always the preferred son, and really, something of a vain, self absorbed prat. There, I said it. The guy was a self absorbed prat. And a Nazi sympathizer. It's not like I'll get tossed in the Tower of London for saying that, right?

Getting back to it....

Albert's devoted wife Elizabeth (Carter) encourages him to try one more option, an Australian named Lionel Logue (Rush), living in London. Logue is somewhat unorthodox, to say the least. As time unfolds, his treatments range from breathing exercises to recordings to (in a very memorable scene) coaxing the King into cursing. Logue also probes for the causes behind the stuttering.

With the death of their father, Edward ascends to the throne, only to abdicate for love of Wallis Simpson (though his sympathies to Nazi Germany might have more to do with it). Albert becomes George VI, ascending to a role he was never meant to inhabit, in an age where he is expected to speak. Centuries ago, it would have been enough for a king to appear, to wave, and remain quiet had he wished. Not so much in an age of mass communication. And so, in the years that follow, the King and Logue work together, their relationship sometimes tense and growling, to overcome the stutter and to build confidence. In their own way, the two men become friends.

With the coming war, the King must prepare for an address to rally the nation to the cause against Nazi Germany. Logue coaches him, helping him to deliver what will become the most important address of his life. For the rest of their lives, the two men remain close (the King knights Logue, not too bad for an Aussie), and Logue remains a calming, trusted presence in the Royal household.

The film is outstanding, and the actors are well cast. Firth brings an extraordinary dignity and strength to the role of King George, mixed with a genuine feeling of frustration that the man himself must have felt at his vocal impediment. I've seen that Firth tends to gather a lot of female admirers, a likely result of first seeing him in Pride and Prejudice, where he played the iconic role of Darcy. For my part, the first impression I had of Firth is from Shakespeare In Love, where he plays the complete bastard. It's an impression that still resonates with me, but Firth's always a fine actor, and really inhabits this role well. He makes us feel empathy for the King, to understand. It's a marvel to behold.

Rush gives Logue just the right touch of irreverence and respect. As an actor who's run the gauntlet from films like Pirates of the Caribbean to Les Miserables to Munich to The Tailor of Panama, he's got an eclectic resume, and he plays this part with quiet wisdom, occasional quips, and effortless grace. He comes away with some of the best lines in the film.

Helena Bonham Carter has long been one of my favourite actresses. From playing Olivia in Twelfth Night to voice work in Corpse Bride to her deranged Bellatrix Lestrange in the Harry Potter films, she's impeccable, professional, and expressive, a natural talent before the cameras. She lends great warmth and strength to the role of the Queen, a rock of support for her husband. If history rightfully remembers George VI as a good and indeed a great king, Elizabeth had a lot to do with it, and Carter brings off the role perfectly.

Add to that fine performances from the always strong Gambon, Pearce (one of the underrated great actors), and Timothy Spall as Winston Churchill (Kendall Protocol #56: any actor playing Churchill is obliged to chew the scenery). Mix in excellent direction, cinematography, music, costume and set work (all those nominations are there for a reason, you know) and it's a combination that deserves the inevitable Oscars it's going to get.

This is a film that captures the sweep of history and the times, while simultaneously working as a character study. It examines two different relationships: a deeply personal examination of an unlikely friendship between two men from very different worlds, and a marriage between a man and woman who were perfectly suited for each other. It's an exceptional, extraordinary film that everyone should see.

I still rate 127 Hours as the best film of the year, though this one's a worthy second. And with momentum on the side of The King's Speech, it's going to collect a lot of hardware at the Oscars.




Five minutes after posting this review, the writer was arrested by the British for insulting King Edward VIII and hauled off to the Tower of London for fifty years, for regular floggings administered by this man.

Spreading Mayhem In Other Blogs

I wrote this guest blog for Christina at the Blog Entourage; check it out:

http://theblogentourage.blogspot.com/2011/02/priest-minister-and-rabbi-walk-into-bar.html

I ♥ Herod

So this is the future:



The Midwich Cuckoos with marketing diplomas and a serious sense of entitlement.

Miranda discovered the perfect relationship: Jon Stewart and chocolate éclairs.

So we watched the Oscar animated shorts! I will put them in order of my favorites.

1. The Gruffalo



This is from the UK, and you can watch it here. It's 27 minutes but worth it, very cute. I love his eyes.

2. The Lost Thing

(I had posted the video, but it got revoked from the original source. So you can watch it here. It's about 15 minutes and also worth it, nice ending.)



(For the record, this was previously #4, I swapped it with #2, which just goes to show my fickle, indecisive nature. I had written: I really loved this, so I'm not sure how it wound up at #4, but there you have it. It's very original, so I suck for having to put it at #4.)

3. Madagascar, Carnet de Voyage



I think this one was by far the most creative artistically. Infact it should probably be my #2, but oh well, there you have it. I just love the mixed media and style, which should be a huge factor in this category. (And for the record, the bush taxi is the sort of taxi I took every day in South Africa!)

4. Night and Day



Pixar always dominates the full length animated feature category, but not always the shorts category. I love Pixar, but it does drive me crazy the way it can often push out the little guys. To be fair, I really did think this short was more creative than usual, while embracing simplicity. It loses big points for the ending (the radio station bit); I GET IT, you know?

This one's only 6 minutes, but you may have already seen it (I forget where, probably in front of Toy Story 3?)

5. Let's Pollute



This is just a clip, I couldn't find the whole thing. I didn't try too hard, however. Truth be told, I thought this one was disappointing, obvious and paled in comparison to the others. Meh.

So here's hoping The Gruffalo wins, even if it seems like the obvious choice!