E Is For Eternal Torment

A note to new followers: you might want to click on Sesame Street down below. I've been at this a long while, and it's something of an ongoing story....

The seventh circle of Hell, a ghastly, desolate domain of the damned, one level up from the eighth circle of Hell, residence of lawyers and accountants. The deceased mutant Mammomax, formerly of the Brotherhood of Mutants, walks on his own through the corridors. He hears a sound behind him, and turns. Standing there, on the floor, is a small red muppet. It's Elmo, and the little red menace is staring up at him.

Elmo: Are you related to Mr. Snuffy?
Mammomax: Wait. Who's Mr. Snuffy?
Elmo: He's the wooly elephant who killed Elmo.
Mammomax: Sorry, I don't have any relatives named Mr. Snuffy.
Elmo: Oh. Elmo was wondering if you might be related to Mr. Snuffy.
Mammomax: I'm a mutant who looks like an elephant. Not an elephant.
Elmo: Elmo just saw those big ears and that trunk and Elmo just assumed.
Mammomax: Look, kid, don't just assume anything, and... who are you?
Elmo: Elmo has already told you who Elmo is. Elmo is Elmo.
Mammomax: Oh, terrific. You speak in the third person?
Elmo: Of course Elmo does that. Why doesn't everyone?
Mammomax: *sighing* I really am in Hell.
Elmo: Elmo doesn't know why Elmo is here.
Mammomax: Kid, my name is Mammomax.
Elmo: What kind of name is Mammomax?
Mammomax: It's the name I chose to use.
Elmo: Oh. Elmo thinks you made a mistake.
*A bald man comes down the corridor.*
Lex: Hello, Max. You made a new friend?
Mammomax: Lex Luthor, that kid's Elmo.
Lex: Elmo? The little red bastard muppet?
Elmo: Why do people call Elmo that name?
Lex: You must not have Sesame Street in your dimension, Max.
Mammomax: Oh, we do, just that I've never bothered watching it.
Lex: Consider yourself blessed. This infernal twit took it over in mine.
Elmo: That's mean! You're not a nice man, Lex Luthor. And you're bald.
Lex: A fact I've been told many, many times, and I'll thank you not to say it again.
Mammomax: Kid, he's a little touchy about the whole male pattern baldness thing.
Lex: I'd heard that Elmo Prime was down here in Hell. It must mean that every Elmo in every dimension vanished forever with his demise. Oh, what a glorious day that would have been. No more of that cackling laugh, no more taking away on screen time from more established characters. I would have loved to see that day, but here I am, stuck in Hell with no way to get out. Have I mentioned that I find that really annoying?
Mammomax: Lex, I didn't know you were that big a fan of a kid's show.
Lex: A very handy thing to watch in between planning world domination.
*A man in blue tights and a red cape comes towards the trio.*
Mammomax: Well, look here, Lex, it's your old nemesis.
Lex: Another pain in the neck. Elmo.... this is Superman.
Superman: Go **** yourself, Lex.
Elmo: That's a very naughty word.
Superman: Go **** yourself, kid.
Mammomax: Shocking, you think?
Elmo: Why did Superman say that?
Mammomax: He's apparently always had a foul mouth.
Superman: Damn right. Just like Ma and Pa raised me.
Mammomax: He was the greatest hero in his dimension.
Lex: And my arch foe, the man I hated above all others...
Superman: Awww, wah wah wah, poor ****ing Lex Luthor.
Elmo: But why does a hero spend all his time using no-no words?
Superman: Like I said, kid, I was raised that way. My Ma and Pa were the biggest ****ing dope growers in the Mid-West. They cursed all the ****ing time. They also grew some really premium weed, let me tell you. Real good to smoke that ****. Then one day, I'm minding my own business, and a gigantic elephant man comes through a dimensional wall and enters my world. One of those damned clones of yours, Max. One of those damned MegaMammomaxes. And what makes that even worse? That thing has Kryptonite coursing through his bloodstream! I ****ing died because of a giant elephant man! That's no way for a ****ing hero to ****ing die! No way at all!
Mammomax: Listen up, my clones are not my fault.
Lex: Wish I'd thought of giant elephant man clones.
Mammomax: That was a project by Mister Sinister.
Superman: What kind of ****ing name is Sinister?
Mammomax: All I am saying is I'm not responsible!
Superman: Oh, it doesn't matter anymore. I'm dead.
Lex: And he doesn't have any powers anymore either.
Superman: Damn you, I told you to go **** yourself!
Elmo: Elmo thinks that Superman is just as nasty and mean as Luthor.
Superman: Superman thinks that Elmo can.... damn! Now I'm doing it!

H Is For Hell

A dark, dark place. A cold wind blows, carrying with it the howls of the damned, and the faint sound of polka music. A muppet stands shivering in a dim pool of light, terrified, glancing around at the darkness. It is Elmo.
Elmo: Hello? Is anyone there? Where is Elmo? What is this place? Elmo is scared!

There is the sound of footsteps, off in the distance. A man finally steps into view, a man wearing a black suit, tie, and dress shirt. He has his hair slicked back, and a devious look about him. And he happens to look a lot like Al Pacino. He glares down at Elmo.
Elmo: Al Pacino? Is that really you?

Satan: No, you little moron. I'm the Devil.

Elmo: Oh, no!! Elmo is scared!!
Satan: Shut up!!!!
Elmo: Eeeep.

Satan: That's better. Welcome to Hell.

Elmo: But Elmo doesn't belong in Hell! Elmo is good! Elmo is alive!
Satan: No, you're dead. You got trampled by that Mr. Snuffy character. You died.

Elmo: That's wrong! Elmo should be in Heaven!

Satan: Not a chance, you ineffectual red menace. You sold your soul to me, remember?

Elmo: Elmo didn't sell his soul to you!
Satan: Oh yes you did...

Satan morphs shape, becoming Kermit the Frog. Elmo stares at him, shocked.
Elmo: Kermit the Frog is the Devil????

Satan: No, you putrid bit of naval lint! I just took his form. Remember that day, Elmo? The day I offered you the chance to take over Sesame Street, at the cost of your own soul?

Elmo: But Elmo thought it was Kermit! Elmo didn't know it was serious!

Satan shifts form, returning to his Al Pacino form. He smiles wickedly.
Satan: You sign a contract with me, Elmo, and I take it very seriously. I am the owner and possessor of your soul, which means you belong to me, forever. Which means an eternity of torment and horrors for you, Elmo! Do you understand that?

Elmo: Elmo is scared!!!
Satan: Awww, boo hoo. That makes me feel so sad that I might just have to relent.

Elmo: Really? You'll let Elmo go?

Satan: Of course I won't, dummy!!

Elmo: Oh. Oh, well. Elmo had to try.

Satan: Now then, let's see, where to put you. Something suitable. Something fitting you....

Satan starts looking through a small notebook.
Elmo: Um, can Elmo ask a question or two?

Satan: Ask away, you ragged red furball.

Elmo: Why do you look like Al Pacino?

Satan: Because he played me in a movie. It was either him, Gabriel Byrne, or Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Elmo: Oh, Elmo sees. And what's that music?

Satan: It's polka music. I find it leaves the many souls lost in my domains in a suitably tormented mood for all of eternity. Get used to it, rat bag. You're here forever.

Elmo: Why are you so mean?
Satan: I'm the Devil. That's why.

Elmo: And there's really no way out of Hell for Elmo?

Satan: No, no appeals. I've got all the lawyers, you see. Ah! Here it is! I've got the perfect torment for you. We'll start you off with 10 000 years of rolling Howdy Doody's head up Mount Diabolicus. He's long before your time, Elmo. You should see the contract he signed to get famous...

Elmo: Who's Howdy Doody? And What's Mount Diabolicus?

Satan grabs Elmo by the throat, hauling him away.
Satan: You'll find out, you filthy little red bastard.
Elmo: No!! Nooooooo!!! Noooooo!!!!!
Satan: Quit your whining, you little brat, and take your eternal punishment like a muppet!