The Mountie And The Con Artist Take Off Their Knickers

Before I get things started today, I thought I'd let you know that over in our joint blog, Basking In The Afterglow, my partner in crime and I under our alter egos of Scarlett and James, have been doing several of these Underwear Challenges. Come on over, have a look, and if you're not already following us, you must do so post haste. Just a word of advice: you might want to avoid reading with kids or the uptight around. It gets a bit racy. And by a bit, I mean a lot.

We've done four of them, the first as our alter egos, and the other three with characters in our collaborative work in progress, Same Time Tomorrow. Here are the links:

Taking Off Our Underwear

Chloe and Gabriel
Dana Butler
Olivia and Rachel

Now then, to the business at hand. Today I'm returning to the underwear challenge, bringing two of my characters without a book, RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich and con artist Mary Ducky, together to take the quiz.

Thank you both for coming today, please... make yourselves comfortable.


Lars: I hope this won't take long. I have a detachment to run.

Mary: And I have a group of investors to swindle.

Lars: What was that?

Mary: Nothing! Nothing, nothing at all. Did I say that out loud?

Shall we get to it?


Mary: Oh, yes, most certainly.

1. What do you call your underwear/undergarments? Do you have any commonly used nicknames for them?

Mary: Well, I usually call them panties. They're often silk, made by the finest tailors in Paris. You know, when you're as good as I am in stealing money from the unsuspecting, you can afford to buy the finest things in life.

Lars: RCMP Logistics Issuance Item #45. Boxers, if you must know. We all get them. They've got these silouhettes of Mounties on horseback printed all over them.

Mary: Oh, could I see?

Lars: Miss Ducky, you should know that there are warrants out for your arrest by Interpol, and as soon as we're done here, I'm taking you in.

Mary: In that case, Mr. Kendall? Would you mind taking your time with the questions? I'd really rather delay as long as I can until I can figure out a way to make my escape.

Lars: You said that out loud.

Mary: I did?

2. Have you ever had that supposedly common dream of being in a crowded place in only your underwear?

Mary: Yes, of course I have. You know, it just so happens that I was giving a seminar in a dream once, and there I was, in a bra and panties, going on about the Mary Ducky Financial Protocol. The audience members were speechless as I strode back and forth on stage. I had thought of using the technique in my actual stage scam... er, stage speeches. Sorry about that, must have been a Freudian slip.


Lars: A Freudian slip?

Mary: Look, the simple fact of the matter is that you're making me nervous, Mr. Mountie, with all this talk about arrests and warrants. Why don't you go ahead and answer his question?

Lars: Yes, only once. I dreamed I was on stage during a Mountie graduation ceremony in my RCMP Logistics Issuance Item #45. And my hat. And nothing else.

Mary: I wouldn't have minded seeing that.

3. What is the worst thing you can think of to make underwear out of?

Mary: Subpoena papers. I'm allergic to legal proceedings. I really prefer to avoid them altogether.


Lars: Birchbark, if you must know.

4. If you were a pair of panties, what colour would you be?

Lars: Red. Just like the dress uniform jacket. And with a gold trim. But why would I be a pair of panties?


Mary: I would have to be emerald green. The colour of money, baby. My favourite, favourite colour in the whole world. You know, when it's just me and the money alone together at night, well, the things we get to doing... Is there a clinical term for someone who goes to their happy place when they feel the soft brushing of money against their naked body?


Lars: Yes. Weirdo.


I would have to agree with Lars on that one.

5. Have you ever thrown your underwear at a rock star or other celebrity? If so, which one(s)? If not, which one(s) WOULD you throw your underwear at, given the opportunity?

Mary: I once threw my panties at the Enron board. Long story.


Lars: Mr. Kendall, I'll ask you this question, son. What the hell kind of questions are these?


Just the kind of questions that need to be answered.


Lars: Oh, I see, I see. Yes, well... if I could throw my Issuance Item #45s at anyone, it would have to be Kim Campbell.


The former Prime Minister?


Lars: Yes, well, there was that picture of her behind legal robes, baring her shoulders... let's just say it left quite the impression.


Mary: You have heard of the expression too much information?

6. You're out of clean underwear. What do you do?

Mary: I don't run out of panties. I've got plenty of them, so I never run out.

Lars: Do an emergency wash in a nearby creek or stream. You know, when you're out on the trail of a suspect in the far north for a couple of weeks at a time, you learn how to improvise. Oh, sure, it might mean you're naked while waiting for the clothes to dry, but it's not as if there's anyone out there in that vast, trackless wilderness. Aside from the bears.

Mary: I'm sorry, I'm getting distracted by the thought of a naked Mountie. Can we carry on?

7. Are you old enough to remember Underroos? If so, did you have any? Which ones?

Lars: Dudley Do-Right. I'm from a multiple generation family of Mounties.


Mary: No, I can't say I did have them. My mother raised me with certain standards, and something like Underroos would be beneath us. You have to look classy so that the wealthy accept you when you're fleecing them for every penny you can get.


Lars: You said that out loud.


Mary: I did? Forget I said that. Can I strike that from the record?

8. If you could have any message printed on your underwear, what would it be?

Mary: Money, money, money, money, money. 

Lars: Well, I'm not sure. My Issuance Item #45s already have the horses and riders on them. How about if I could have Damn it, I am not that Lars Ulrich printed on them?

9. How many bloggers does it take to put panties on a goat?

Lars: Son, tell me, what kind of question is that supposed to be? You don't mistreat goats like that. You leave them alone. Everyone knows that. Putting panties on a goat would just get the animal mad at you, and that's something you don't want to get mad at you.

Mary: Can the goat with panties be used as a distraction to buy you time to flee from angry investors?

Lars: Are we done now?

Yes, we are.

Lars: Good. Mary Ducky, I'm placing you under arr...

Mary: *pointing* Isn't that the anchor for Access Hollywood over there?

Lars: *turning* Where?

*Mary sprints away and out the door.*

I think she just scarpered on you.


Lars: *turning* Damn it!

At least she didn't ask you if you were with Metallica.

Later that night, Mary tried a Mountie tunic on for size....

The Spy Master Debriefed

And for the second of my characters taking the knickers challenge, I'm turning to the spy master, Udi Zahavi, director of Mossad, appearing frequently in Heaven & Hell. He's turned up here in passages I've posted from time to time, and I did a character blog from his point of view, which you can find right here.

****

Mr. Zahavi, thanks for coming to speak with me today.

Zahavi: Is this going to take long? I have a briefing at headquarters this afternoon. They can't get anything done without the Boss around. At least that's how I justify keeping my hands on everything that's going on. And my wife's expecting me at home sometime this month. If it's not one crisis, it's another, and she's probably the only person who'd have put up with my schedule all these years...

No, I swear, just a few questions and that'll be it.

Zahavi: Good. All right, let's get to it.

Right, just answer these questions to the best of your ability. 

1. What do you call your underwear/undergarments? Do you have any commonly used nicknames for them?

Zahavi: What the hell kind of question is that?

It's a bit of a game, going around the internet. I answered them myself, had two other characters answer them, and now you, another character.

Zahavi: You think I'm a character?

Well, I did create you out of my imagination, so yes.

Zahavi: I'm the director of Mossad. One of the most relentless intelligence agencies in the world. You mess with my country, and my agency takes you out. No tip-toeing around with niceties. We go all out and don't come home until the opposition is dead. I promise you, sir, I'm no mere character.

Mr. Zahavi, please, just answer the question.

Zahavi: Who the hell put you up to this?

A couple of friends, if you must know. Is that pertinent?

Zahavi: Hell, yes, it's pertinent. I'm going to put them on a watch list.

Look, just answer the question, and we'll continue.

Zahavi: Okay, fine. I wear boxers. Period.

Thank you.

2. Have you ever had that supposedly common dream of being in a crowded place in only your underwear?

Zahavi: Are you serious? Start asking legitimate questions, or I walk out!

Sir, please. Just indulge me.

Zahavi: Consider yourself on a watch list from now on, you smirking bastard.

I'm not smirking, sir...

Zahavi: I have information that you smirk a lot.

Mr. Zahavi, are you going to answer the question?

Zahavi: I might when you start asking serious questions.

Fine.

3. What is the worst thing you can think of to make underwear out of?

Zahavi: Again, start asking serious questions. Then I'll talk.

Look, they're all expecting answers to these questions.

Zahavi: Who's they?

The readers. Out there beyond the Fourth Wall. See, I really am a writer, and you're one of the characters I created for a book. And it turns out that people find my blogs amusing. You know, you're going to come across as a grouch if you keep this up. That's the impression you're making on all of them right now.

Zahavi: I see. Now I'm supposed to indulge your lunacy? Fine. Whatever. Let's see.  Something bad to make underwear out of? Oh, right, sure. How about underwear made out of cactus?

See, if you play along, it gives them a chance to laugh, and to get to know you. Next question.  

4. If you were a pair of panties, what colour would you be?

Zahavi: You do realize I have better things to do with my time?

Come on, just give it a go.

Zahavi: *sighing deeply* Tan. Like the Negev.

5. Have you ever thrown your underwear at a rock star or other celebrity? If so, which one(s)? If not, which one(s) WOULD you throw your underwear at, given the opportunity?

Zahavi: Note to self: have this idiot murdered.

What was that? Sorry, I didn't hear you.

Zahavi: Oh, just muttering to myself. No, I have not thrown underwear at anyone, nor would I. Are we done?

Getting there.

6. You're out of clean underwear. What do you do?

Zahavi: There's an expression in English, isn't there? Go commando.

7. Are you old enough to remember Underroos? If so, did you have any? Which ones?

Zahavi: What the hell is an underroo?

That's what I said! See, we've got something in common!

Zahavi: How lovely.

8. If you could have any message printed on your underwear, what would it be?

Zahavi: *sighing in dismay* Private property, do not trespass.

You're serious?

Zahavi: I wish you'd be serious.

9. How many bloggers does it take to put panties on a goat?

Zahavi: Oh, that's it! No more! I'm done with this nonsense!! You think these are the sort of questions you ask an old spy master? No!! You ask him how many people he's killed down through the years! You ask him to recount old exploits! Mind you, it'll be a one sided conversation, because he won't answer anything like that! A goat! What the hell kind of questions are these?

Mr. Zahavi, please, if you'll just...

Zahavi: No! This is absolute nonsense! You can take your talk about Fourth Walls, and characters and writers, and goats, and you can go to hell! Bother me again, and I'll break your neck, you understand me, you smirking bastard???

*Zahavi walks out in a huff.*

Does that mean you won't take the Hippos Versus Musk Ox challenge?

The Contessa And The Blowhard Take The Knickers Challenge

You might recall my taking that underwear challenge thing earlier in the month. Well, I'm doing the same thing again, in the first of two blogs, but this time it's the characters who are answering the questions. For this one, I'm going with two characters who are among those who live only here in the blogosphere, and not in a book. Lars Ulrich would have come, but he was too busy beating the hell out of an entertainment reporter.

I've selected Keith Jarrett, the blowhard author of I Know Everything, So Bask In My Eternal Wisdom, Duck And Cover, The Buddhists Are Coming To Kill Us All, How To Cure Ebola, Gosh, I'm So Smart, and Mother Teresa: Tyranical Despot of India. He's being joined today by Contessa Evangelista Francesca Nicolette Viola Divinna, the explosives loving engineer who very nearly destroyed the Brooklyn Bridge.

***

All right, you two... behave yourselves. That means I don't want to hear about your latest book, Keith. Or I don't want you going around blowing up the Alexandria Bridge, Miss Divinna.

Contessa: That's Contessa Evangelista Francesca Nicolette Viola Divinna. You may call me Contessa.

Keith: But I'm really excited by my new memoir Keith Jarrett: Last Best Hope Of Earth...

Quiet, you. All right, you're supposed to answer a series of questions, to the best of your abilities, and really, Keith, do try to keep to the subject instead of going on and on about how brilliant you think you are. Here we go.

1. What do you call your underwear/undergarments? Do you have any commonly used nicknames for them?

Keith: I call them boxers, because that's what I wear them for. And speaking of boxers, I've been thinking of writing the definitive biography of one of the biggest names in the sport. How does Mike Tyson: Gentle As A Puppy grab you as a title?

Contessa: Panties, of course. Though when I'm out in the field as a demolitions engineer, I have been known to call them knickers. In fact, last week I was all set to blow up the Golden Gate Bridge when I got a call from the city instructing me not to...

Is there a point to this?

Contessa: Yes, I was just getting to it...

Let's move onto the next question, shall we?

2. Have you ever had that supposedly common dream of being in a crowded place in only your underwear?

Contessa: Oh, certainly. I dreamed just the other night of being in Athens, setting charges in that unsightly pile of rocks they call the Parthenon, set to blow it up. For some reason, I was only wearing my polka dot panties and bra while working with the C4. Can you tell me what that dream means?

Keith: Certainly. In chapter 458 of my epic tome I Know Everything, So Bask In My Eternal Wisdom, I delve into the subject of the meaning of dreams...

Keith, stick to the subject. What's your answer?

Keith: Of course, yes. I've had that dream. I was standing in the United Nations General Assembly, making a speech on just how brilliant I am, and the whole audience was enraptured by what I was saying. Audiences just love to hear me talk, by the way. They recognize pure genius when they see it. Anyway, to make a long story short, in the dream, I gave the whole speech while wearing speedos.

3. What is the worst thing you can think of to make underwear out of?

Contessa: Poison ivy.

Keith: I can't argue that. Poison ivy would be horrible for underwear. Which reminds me, I once wrote the definitive work on poison ivy...

Not now. Let's just get through these questions, shall we?

4. If you were a pair of panties, what colour would you be?

Contessa: Orange and red, just like the colour of an explosion.

Keith: Plaid, and in the clan colours of the Clan Jarrett. We've even got our own family crest, all the way back to Glasgow, long history of Highlanders there. In fact, the Jarretts rode with William Wallace at Stirling...

Will you shut up?

Keith: Can I help it if people are naturally fascinated by me?

5. Have you ever thrown your underwear at a rock star or other celebrity? If so, which one(s)? If not, which one(s) WOULD you throw your underwear at, given the opportunity?

Keith: No, I haven't thrown them at anyone. Though I did once write an article for the New Yorker on the phenomenon of knickers being tossed at bands on stage. Perhaps you read it?

Contessa: Only once, and it wasn't a rock star. It was a comedian. Carrot Top. I'll thank you not to dwell on it.

Carrot Top? Are you serious?

Contessa: What did I say about not dwelling on it? I'm a Contessa, and I insist we not talk about such things.

Can I see any proof of your Contessaness?

Contessa: You'll have to take my word for it. 

6. You're out of clean underwear. What do you do?

Contessa: Do the laundry, of course. You know, that's a funny thing to bring up. Last winter, I was down in New Orleans. My demolitions company was working on repairing the levees, and it turns out that local officials weren't all that fond of my plan to blow up the levees. Something about putting the city at risk or something... I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention. Anyway, so there we were arguing, and some of the charges went off. I assure you, the mayor had to change his underwear. Honestly, all I did was put a few tonnes of C4 into the levees...

Keith: Is this a trick question?

You're not going to answer this?

Keith: Not until I know if it's a trick question.

Never mind, let's move on.

7. Are you old enough to remember Underroos? If so, did you have any? Which ones?

Contessa: Do you honestly think a Contessa will admit to ever having an item called an Underroo?

Keith: Yes, I did. I had Napoleon underroos. Mom and Dad must have seen that just like him, I was destined for great things. I think it really had an influence on me. I'm thinking of writing a biography of the Emperor. How does Bonaparte: A Man Of Humility sound?

8. If you could have any message printed on your underwear, what would it be?

Keith: I have a message on the underwear I'm wearing right now. Keith Jarrett, super-genius.

Contessa: Not tonight, dear, I have a headache.

9. How many bloggers does it take to put panties on a goat?

Contessa: Look, I suppose you think such a question has some inherent amusement value, but I don't find it funny. A Contessa like me would never, ever spend anytime around a lowly creature like a goat, let alone dress it in panties. What kind of question is this?

It's supposed to get an honest answer out of you. Something to throw you off track.

Keith: That's an interesting question, and before I answer it, I thought I'd talk a bit about an essay I once wrote, called Goats: What Are They Good For? Absolutely Nothing. You know, the average goat really is a buffoonish sort of animal, something of a cross between a beaver and a duck...

You do realize you're talking about a platypus.

Keith: A what?

A platypus.

Keith: What's a platypus?

An Australian mammal that's a a strange critter, mix of duck and beaver. Looks like something made out of spare parts. A goat is an entirely different kind of animal altogether.

Keith: You're sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

Contessa: This explains why you got laughed out of the Sierra Club, doesn't it?

Keith: No, that was an entirely different matter altogether.

Contessa: Are we done with these questions?

Yes, I'd say we are.

Contessa: Good. Because I have to go explain myself to the city of Paris as to why my company blew up a bridge over the Seine. Honestly, it was there for hundreds of years! Who cares about something that old?

Keith: Curious of you to mention that. I was thinking I ought to write the definitive history of Paris. How does the title Backwater Of The Cultural World sound?

Paris isn't a backwater. It's a cultural gem.

Keith: It is?

Boxers, Briefs, Speedoes, And Going Commando

In the last few days, several of my blogging friends have been answering a certain challenge called the Under Where Challenge. This started over at Eves' blog The Desert Rocks, where she was answering the same kind of challenge from Laila Knight. The idea's simple: answer a series of questions about underwear, and see where it takes us. Already we've seen some blogs to answer this one, and others who are promising to do the same.

Mike Saxton
Christina Lucas
Donna Yates
Beth Muscat

These four bloggers, in addition to Eve, have already played along with the challenge. Among the rest of the gang of rogues and scoundrels I'm acquainted with who've been challenged are Norma, April, Mark, and Shelly. We're expecting answers, people!

Now, before the questions, I'll issue this challenge to a few extra bloggers to see what they can come up with, if they're willing to play along....

Scarlett and James  (rumor has it our alter egos will have lots of fun with this one)
Karla Telega
Erin Lausten
Don't Hate Hubby
Angry Parsnip
Talli Roland
PK Hrezo
The Happy Whisk

And without further ado... the questions.

1. What do you call your underwear/undergarments? Do you have any commonly used nicknames for them?

Boxers, of course, since that's what they are. I wouldn't give them nicknames, mind you. Sort of odd calling that pair over there "Nigel", or that pair "Lord Brutus Victorious" or that other pair "Dear God it's cold today, break out the flannels, you idiot!"

Ahem.

By the way, why do we call it a pair? It's one piece of fabric, damn it!

2. Have you ever had that supposedly common dream of being in a crowded place in only your underwear?

No, but I have had the occasional dream of being up on a rock face with only my climbing boots, the rope and harness, and my underwear on. Does that count?

3. What is the worst thing you can think of to make underwear out of?

Glass, of course... Poison Ivy would probably be worse. Yes, the poison ivy would be worse.

4. If you were a pair of panties, what colour would you be?

Psychedelic purple. The real question is... who would I be on?

5. Have you ever thrown your underwear at a rock star or other celebrity? If so, which one(s)? If not, which one(s) WOULD you throw your underwear at, given the opportunity?

Easy: Sarah McLachlan, who, of course, is a goddess. Though to be honest, I don't think she'd appreciate it. I could throw them at Courtney Love, who'd probably use it to distill some heroin.

6. You're out of clean underwear. What do you do?

In such circumstances, I must, naturally, go commando. I... probably shouldn't have said that, should I? Now everytime you hear me say I have laundry to do, you'll be wondering if the jeans or the shorts are the only stitch of clothing I've got on below the waist line. Answer: there's also the socks. Keep wondering.

7. Are you old enough to remember Underroos? If so, did you have any? Which ones?

What the bloody hell is an Underroo?

8. If you could have any message printed on your underwear, what would it be?

"If You're Reading These Words, We're Getting Lucky Tonight."

9. How many bloggers does it take to put panties on a goat?

Fifteen.

The real question is: how pissed off will that goat be if you're trying to slide panties onto it? And by extension, what fraternity are you a part of if they make you do that?