A Is For Aftermath

Just a word before we get things started today, for those of you who are new to my blogs, this is part of an ongoing series (I've figured out a way to take this even further down the rabbit hole, so to speak). It might be a bit confusing if you're coming in late (more so then usual). Anyway, click on one of the tags below (I recommend the Sesame Street one) for the beginning of the epic Muppet murder of Elmo story. Yes, the little red menace is dead. And no, he's not coming back. So there.

Hero Mountie Receives Gratitude, Kicks Entertainment Reporter


Two days after the dramatic events that nearly brought about the death of beloved Muppet Grover, the aftermath of those events continue to reverberate across the world. At the United Nations, blame was cast by numerous delegates over the issue of how they could have let themselves believe the bluff of notorious Muppet supervillain Mr. Johnson. The Secretary General looked suitably downcast as he spoke to reporters at UN headquarters in New York. "We had to act on the threat, to treat it as credible. There was no way we could have known that Johnson had no such weapons of mass destruction that could have destroyed the world. It's unfortunate, now that we know he didn't, that we ended up with egg on our face."

Police across the continent continue the slow, arduous process of digging through Johnsons' past, following the proverbial paper trail. In Canada, where for the last few weeks, Johnson hid in a bunker, the federal government is under siege. The ruling party owned the bunker in the Alberta foothills, and are being accused of aiding and abetting the supervillain. Acting Prime Minister John Baird sneered at the reporters who confronted him on his way into Parliament. "Look, you miserable jackasses, leave me the hell alone or I'll pass the Denial of Press Freedoms Act and have you all thrown into prison for daring to suggest this government doesn't have the best interests of our country at heart. The government has enough to do, what with denying these accusations and trying to shrink down the Prime Minister from his current gigantic size, not to mention our top secret plans to install ourselves as Government For Life... wait... forget I said that last one."

At the well known Sesame Street, Grover has been back among friends, accompanied by his human girlfriend Karla. Longtime bickering couple Bert and Ernie were pleased to see him. "We really admired Grover for offering to sacrifice his life for the planet. It was really noble, wasn't it, Bert?"

"You bet, Ernie. It's something I don't think I could have done in his place."

Miss Piggy was accompanied by her fiance Kermit the Frog, the daring Muppet attorney who successfully defended Grover on murder charges. "You know, Grover showed a lot of courage in what he did. He obviously takes after my Kermie, doesn't he, spanky buns?"

"Yes, indeed, like you say," Kermit remarked with pride. "We're all really proud of Grover."

Professor Honeydew, on the other hand, seemed conflicted. This reporter cornered the scientist Muppet and his assistant Beaker. "You know, while it's great that Grover was saved, but it deprived me of the chance to see what happens when a Muppet gets drawn and quartered. As a scientist, I was really curious to see that."

"Meep! Meep meep meep!"

The Count, on the other hand, was busy counting all of the people who had come to welcome Grover home. "Ten thousand three hundred and four, ah ah ah ah. Ten thousand three hundred and five, ah ah ah ah..."

As for Grover himself? He travelled to Alberta after the reunion, to speak with the Mountie who saved his life by killing Johnson. Inspector Lars Ulrich, the legendary lawman who had once arrested Grover for the murder of Muppet Elmo, a crime that had in fact been orchestrated by Johnson, was known for not being on very good terms with the Muppet. The two met in front of a group of reporters outside the RCMP detachment in High River. "Inspector, sir, I must thank you so very much," Grover told Ulrich, who looked annoyed. The two shook hands as photographers snapped pictures. "You have saved my life, sir! You did a very good thing, sir! It is a debt that truly, I can never, ever repay, sir!"

"Yes, well... that's my job," Ulrich said, seeming uncomfortable.

The press spoke up, almost as one, asking questions. One, a correspondant with Access Hollywood, seemed to be louder then the rest. "Lars! Lars! Now that it's all over, after this incredible manhunt, are you going to get back with Metallica and record another album?"

Ulrich rolled his eyes, shook his head, and looked really, really annoyed. "Look, you idiot, I'm not that Lars Ulrich..."

Grover nodded. "You heard the Inspector, sir! He is not a member of Metallica, sir..."

The correspondant looked confused. It's a common trait with entertainment reporters. "Does that mean you've had a falling out with the rest of the band, Lars?"

When last seen, the entertainment reporter was being chased by Ulrich into Dead Man's Canyon.

F Is For Final Confrontation, Part Three

New York City; Central Park. The crowd looks on as the warden finishes securing each limb Grover has with the straps. Now it's merely a matter of the warden giving his word, and the drawing and quartering will begin. The men with the horses stand by to hear the warden's word; Gonzo sits astride his motorbike, revving the engine, sobbing in tears at how his good friend must die, and how he must take part in it. Kermit has returned to Miss Piggy's side, and they're both in tears. Big Bird, Oscar, Cookie Monster, Bob, Maria, Susan, and Bert and Ernie sob quietly. The Count, being a vampire, is incapable of tears, so he's counting Oscar's tears. Waldorf and Statler are bawling. Scooter, Fozzie, and Animal look downcast. Doctor Honeydew is making some last second calculations on the precise order that Grover's body parts will fall in. Beaker looks, as usual, like he's strung out on speed.

The warden steps away from Grover, back to the side of the platform. He looks grave and saddened by his duty, and raises his hand, ready to give the signal. A voice calls out, "Stop!!" Everyone falls silent, and a state official comes through the crowd, breathless. "We've just gotten word. It's over. It's all over. The threat is over. Mr. Johnson is dead!!" The crowd cheers and roars in approval.

The horses are startled by the sound and start fussing. Their fussing pulls at the straps securing Grover, who yells out. The men calm down the horses. And the warden rushes over to Grover, untying the straps. Grover's girlfriend rushes through the crowd, reaching the Muppet. She grabs him and kisses him repeatedly. He groans. "Oh, pookie, that was too close. I thought I was bound for heaven. I could see Jim Henson right in front of me," he tells her.

Kermit comes forward out of the crowd. "What happened?" he asks the state official, while Grover and his girlfriend make out.

"We've got word from the Mounties. Inspector Ulrich tracked Johnson to his lair and shot him in self defense," the official remarks.

A reporter with Entertainment Tonight calls from the crowd. "Will Lars be going back to rehearsals with Metallica now?"

Waldorf shakes his head in disgust. "I haven't heard a question that moronic since McCarthy asked if I knew any communists."

Statler nods. "Yes, well, I'm the one who ratted on you."

Waldorf looks shocked. "That was you????"

Statler nods again. "You seduced Rosalind Russell when you knew full well that I had a thing for her, remember? I was pissed at you, so I took revenge by ratting you out to the Communist witch hunt."

In the crowd, Doctor Honeydew looks up from his calculations. "Haven't they started the execution yet?" he asks Beaker, absent-minded as usual.

Beaker looks at him. "Meep meep!"

"But I have to see the effects of a drawing and quartering done in real-time. Beaker old boy, I wonder if you'd volunteer yourself to be drawn and quartered..."

"Meep!!! Meep!!! Meep!!!!!!!!!!"

Alberta; the secret bunker of the late Mr. Johnson. Inspector Lars Ulrich oversees his officers working the crime scene. Coroners are on the way, though he's not sure if he should have called them or a prop master to dispose of the remains of the villain. Constable Borden comes over. "Inspector, we're uncovering evidence of his political ties. He kept recordings. Looks like the bastard was indeed in contact with the government."

"Thank you, Evangeline. We'll deal with that later on. For now... he's dead."

She looks at the body of the dead Muppet. "All that trouble he caused..."

Ulrich nods. "Yes, well, it's over now."

"That's a good thing you did, sir. Calling it in, getting word out in time to save Grover," she remarks.

He shrugs. "For a second or two, I did consider letting him die. He really is annoying, you know."

Borden smiles. "Don't tell that to my four year old niece. She'd never forgive you. She loves Grover." She pauses. "I've heard from the detachment. The press is gathering there. They're asking a lot of questions. They want to see the hero of the hour. Including the... entertainment reporters."

Ulrich rolls his eyes. "Let me guess. Lars! Now that you've killed a Muppet, isn't it time to get back to going out on tour? Are they born that stupid?"

"Apparently so, sir."

"Idiots. Well, I get first pick on which of them I get to kick in the ass and put in the hospital."

F Is For Final Confrontation Part Two

New York City; Central Park. As the crowd looks on, many of them weeping softly, the warden leads Grover to the center of the platform. Kermit follows, and Grover turns. Kermit sighs (he does that a lot) and extends a hand. Grover shakes it. "You're the bravest Muppet I've ever met," Kermit remarks.

"I can die happy right now," Grover proclaims. "I had some mind-bending sex last night. I must say, pre-execution sex really does beat out conjugal visit sex on the toe-curling ratio, Kermit. That's the memory I will take to my grave as this drawing and quartering rips me from limb to limb to limb."

Among the crowd, Bert and Ernie cry in each other's arms. Big Bird blows his nose, comforted by human stalwarts Bob, Susan, and Maria.  Oscar is annoyed by Cookie Monster, who's scarfing down bags of peanut butter cookies and getting the crumbs all over him. The Count spends his time counting the people in the crowd. Doctor Honeydew is doing some quick calculations, watched by Beaker. Scooter, Animal, and Fozzie are joined by Miss Piggy, who's pushing them out of the way so that she can have all the room she wants. And Statler and Waldorf are talking.

"I haven't been to an execution this maudlin since Carrot Top was killed," Statler remarks, wiping away tears.

"Carrot Top was killed?" Waldorf asks.

"Yes, for crimes against humanity," Statler replies.

"I thought he was just an unfunny comedian," Waldorf says.

"Not just," Statler tells his colleague. "He's the guy who got Firefly cancelled."

"That son of a bitch!!" Waldorf bellows.

Grover lies down on the platform. The warden begins to tie the straps. In the crowd, Grover's girlfriend sobs loudly. Doctor Honeydew turns and looks at Beaker. "You know, Beaker, if my calculations are correct, pieces of Grover's inner stuffing will hit everyone in the first three rows on all four sides of the platform. What do you think about that?"

"Meep!"

Alberta; The secret bunker. Mr. Johnson stands face to face with Inspector Lars Ulrich, who keeps his gun aimed at the deranged Muppet. "I thought I had an arrangement with the federal government," Johnson mutters with a sneer (villains like to sneer). "They do a fellow evil-doer a favour by throwing entertainment reporters at you to keep you occupied. Damn that Baird, you can't trust a politician to get anything right these days..."

"I'd thought you had help," Ulrich mutters. "Help from the top won't help you now, Johnson. You're going to prison for the murder of Elmo. There's no more demands, no more escape. You're done."

"Wait a minute," Johnson says. "How the hell did you find me?"

"I went back and looked at your file," Ulrich answers. "You like turnips and artichokes on your pizza. I checked with every pizza delivery shop in the Western provinces. Only one place had been taking regular orders for pizza like that. Lo and behold, here it leads me to this compound. Piece of advice? If you're a fugitive from justice, you should avoid giving into your usual habits and appetites. This place couldn't be yours."

"No, it's on loan from the federal Tories. Like I said, they've been doing me a favour helping me hide out."

"I'm sure that'll cost them at the polls. Now, hands up, Johnson. You're under arrest," Ulrich tells the Muppet.

Johnson shakes his head. "I still have the destroy the world gambit in my hands, Inspector."

"No you don't," Ulrich counters. "I've been all over this place since I got inside, and there's no trace of any doomsday device or even a control for a doomsday device. All this time, you were bluffing." 

"Well, okay, so I was bluffing... it still got me what I want. Grover's about to die, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. Not that you really want to. Face it, Inspector, you want to see Grover die just as much as I do, don't you?" Johnson smiles. He reaches behind his back, grabbing at a gun tucked away in his waistband, screaming, "Die, you son of a..."

As he raises his arm to fire, Ulrich opens fire on the evil Muppet. Johnson is hit several times in the chest. He gasps, and staggers back. Ulrich fires again. The bullets tear through Johnsons' head. Pieces of stuffing hit the control room consoles. Johnson collapses in a heap of stuffing to the floor of the control room. Ulrich steps forward, kicking away Johnsons' gun, verifying that the Muppet is dead. "Give my regards to Hell, you bloody miserable bastard," Ulrich tells the corpse. He looks up at the television screen. Grover is being secured by the warden at the execution site. Ulrich hears Johnson's words in his mind: you want to see Grover die just as much as I do, don't you? He stares at the screen, and wonders, Well, do I?

To Be Concluded.....

Anderson Cooper will do anything for a photo-op

F Is For Final Confrontation, Part One

The Count teaches the annoying glittery vampire what real vampires are capable of

Sesame Gothic

New York City; Central Park. A large wooden platform has been erected in the park, with three horses set at three of the corners. Each is harnessed, the long lines feeding back towards the center of the platform. Each horse is kept under control by a man. All around, a large crowd is gathering. The mood is somber and subdued. Among the crowd, longtime couple Bert and Ernie are both in tears, rather then the usual bickering they do, accompanied by Sesame Street humans Bob, Maria, and Susan.  Big Bird, Oscar the Grouch, and Cookie Monster are seated behind them. Nearby, Beaker, Doctor Honeydew, Animal, Fozzie, and Scooter are watching the Count, who's counting the horses over and over again. Long time old Muppets (and hecklers by habit) Statler and Waldorf are seated in box seats, heckling the horses. And Gonzo sits on his motorbike at the last corner of the platform, a chain behind him leading to the center of the platform. A stir rises in the crowd. Grover the Muppet walks through, accompanied by his girlfriend, who's in tears. Behind them, Kermit and Miss Piggy walk hand in hand. The world press is assembled, broadcasting live. Grover walks up to the platform, where a microphone has been set up. A prison warden stands beside it.

"Hello," Grover greets the crowd. There are many tears. "Oh, do not be sorrowful! For I am going to a better place, sir! You see, the way I see this, I am giving up my life so that the world will live. That, sir, is a very noble thing to do, sir! I am a Muppet ready to die for his planet, sir! It is the only honourable thing to do." There are more tears. Even Statler and Waldorf, usually given to heckles and jeers, are reduced to sobs. "I do not understand why Fred Johnson has such disdain for me. I do not believe I will ever understand his reasons, sir. But he has done many terrible things, and he threatens the future of this world. So, I will freely give my life."

The warden steps forward. "Bless you, Grover. You're a very brave Muppet. Now, I should explain to you exactly what's going to happen here, in very explicit detail. You're going to lie down right over there in the center of the platform. We'll strap you in, one strap to each limb. On my signal, the horsemen will set their horses to pulling, and Gonzo there will start driving his motorbike, the chain of which will be attached to your right leg. The straps and chain will start pulling at your body. You will begin to feel at this point an intense pain in your body. It will only get worse. The forces of horse and motorbike will continue to pull at your body in four directions. And there will come a point when your body gives way, and is torn to pieces. Blood and Muppet stuffing will fly everywhere. I can only imagine how excrutiatingly painful it will be. I've never actually executed anyone this way, so we had to consult a manual."

Gonzo weeps. "I'm sorry, Grover. You shouldn't have to do this. But if anyone should take part in your execution, it ought to be a friend, don't you think?"

Kermit steps forward to speak one last time on behalf of his client, the Muppet whose life he saved in court. "Isn't this a bit of overkill? Wouldn't this be a bit more merciful if it was just a firing squad?"

The warden sadly shakes his head. "Johnsons' demands were very specific. Grover has to be drawn and quartered."

There are more tears, particularly from Grovers' girlfriend. In the crowd, a distinct series of words is heard: "Meep! Meep meep! Meep! Meep!"

******

Far to the west and north, across the Canadian border in Alberta, a lone Muppet sits in his secret bunker (on loan from the current federal government, who of course shares his evil streak). Mr. Johnson has the television on in the control room, and he's sitting at a desk, rubbing his hands with glee. The broadcast from New York is going out live. He watches, cackling with laughter. "I've got you now, you bastard! No more of your annoying voice and your irritating politeness and your aggravating quirks! You're going to die, Grover! You're going to die, and I get to watch it! Hah hah hah hah hah!!! Everything I've ever wanted, and it's about to happen! Well, not quite everything. I wonder what's taking that pizza delivery guy? I swear, if I miss the execution live, I'll take it out of his hide."

"No, you won't." The voice startles the Muppet supervillain. He bolts out of his chair, turning, and sees someone in the shadow of a corridor leading out from the control room.  The man's face is hidden in the darkness, though Johnson can see from his lower legs that he's wearing the Mountie working uniform. "You're going to prison for the rest of your life." The man steps into the light, holding a gun. It's Inspector Lars Ulrich.

Johnson glares at him. "Oh, come on!!!  Can't you wait five minutes?"

To Be Continued....

Meep! Meep!! Meep meep meep!!

S Is For Sentencing

Muppet Supervillain Sentenced To Death

Convicted murderer and muppet Fred Johnson, aka Fat Blue, aka Mr. Johnson, has been sentenced to death in the murder of Elmo. The balding mustached muppet and proverbial nemesis of Grover, whom he framed for the death of the little red menace, was outraged by the guilty verdict two weeks ago. Now, in the wake of a death sentence, he was even more so.

Grover was exonerated in a stunning turn of events through the legal skills of his attorney, Kermit the Frog, who brought forth evidence damning Johnson and clearing Grover's name. The evidence was used by prosecuting attorney Ben Matlock, who sought to redeem his reputation with a conviction.

"Justice has been done," the white haired legal ace told reporters after the hearing. "That bloody little muppet murdering bastard has an appointment with the needle. I commend him to hell, where he belongs." Reporters asked Matlock about his colourful choice of vocabulary. The prosecutor smiled serenely, and replied, "**** you."

Defense attorney Robert Shapiro, previously best known for helping get OJ Simpson out of a minor little scrape, was flabbergasted, promising an appeal. "This is a travesty! My client was railroaded into prison! Well, this will not stand! We will continue to fight to free him! At least until his money runs out!"

Johnson was removed from court by federal marshals. He's due to be flown out west to a supermax prison to await execution. Reporters saw his removal, and Johnson was ranting. "This isn't over!" he bellowed as marshals took him down the corridor. "You hear me? I'll find that blue bastard Grover! I'll find him and kill him! Vengeance will be mine! Vengeeeeaaaaaannnncccce!! Ha ha ha ha ha!!!"

Grover himself was in court for the sentencing, and seemed subdued when reporters spoke to him. "Well, sir, I do not understand why Mr. Johnson was so agitated with me. All I did, sir, was try to help him out from time to time. He did not have to frame me for murder, you know, sir. Now, if you will excuse me, sir, I have a date with my two favourite people."

This reporter attempted to reach Lars Ulrich, the RCMP Inspector who was brought in to solve the murder and arrested Grover. A call to his post was taken by a junior officer, who, when asked for the Inspector, first stated that the Inspector is not with Metallica. When this reporter explained that he merely wanted the Inspector's opinion on the sentencing, the officer explained that the Inspector was out in the back country wrestling a Sasquatch.

T Is For Trial, Part Six

Shocking Turn Of Events At Grover Trial

An unexpected development stunned onlookers at the Grover murder trial today. Defense Attorney Kermit the Frog called Grover nemesis Mr. Johnson to the stand, despite the fact that Johnson did not appear on his witness list. When prosecutor Ben Matlock objected, Kermit informed the judge that new evidence had come to light requiring an addition to his witness list.

Johnson was sworn in, and the frog went to work. In the gallery, there was a hush, as muppets and humans alike wondered what Kermit was up to. "Mr. Johnson, do you go by other names?" Kermit asked innocently.

"Well, I'm Fred, of course. My detractors also call me Fat Blue. Some of them call me Mr. Blue."

"You don't like my client, do you?"

"No, not really. He's pretty annoying."

"In fact, you hate my client, don't you?"

"Objection!" Matlock thundered.

"Your Honor, I do have a point," Kermit informed the judge, who allowed it. Kermit faced Johnson again. "He's always annoyed you, hasn't he? He's always in your face, making life difficult for you. You hate him enough to kill."

Johnson looked as though he was about to have a stroke. "Now see here one minute..."

"I'd like to enter into evidence Defense Exhibit 13, a sworn affidavit sent to my offices yesterday, by the real murderer, an assassin for hire." Kermit handed a large envelope to the bailiff. "The assassin contacted me last night, informing me of what he had done, who had hired him, and why his client wanted Elmo dead. Furthermore, the assassin sent recordings of their conversations and financial records linking his client to the killing. All in one neat tidy package. Unfortunately the assassin added that he's now living comfortably in a country without extradition treaties, so we can't get him."

"Objection!" Matlock bellowed. "This is all conjecture!"

"The chain of evidence in this matter has been verified," Kermit informed the court confidently. "And the assassin identified himself. It was Mr. Snuffy."

Gasps filled the courtroom. Big Bird was horrified. "Mr. Snuffy! Not him!"

Fozzie Bear shrugged. "Wait... you mean the shaggy elephant did it?"

Beaker looked his usual high strung self. "Meep! Meep! Meep meep!"

Matlock was unimpressed. "This is an outrage! The defense is trying anything to save that murdering client of his!"

"Oh, come on, you did the same sort of thing all the time when you were a defense attorney," Kermit reminded Matlock.

"He's got you there," the judge remarked.

Kermit waded back into battle, facing Mr. Johnson. "Mr. Snuffy named you, Mr. Johnson, as his client. He added that you screwed him over by not paying him his winnings two years ago in a poker game, so he decided to screw you over by exposing you for murder. You did it. You had Elmo murdered and you framed Grover for it." Mr. Johnson looked as though he might explode. "Admit it. Admit it, damn you!"

"All right, I had Elmo killed, and I'd have done it again!!!!" Johnson screamed, glaring at Grover. "You blue bastard! You annoyed me over and over again!!! I hate you!! You were supposed to pay!! Pay with your life!! They were gonna hang you, you bastard!!"

"Mr. Johnson?" Kermit calmly called out.

"What??" Johnson countered, furious.

"You just confessed to murder. No further questions."

At this point, Johnson was taken into custody, ranting and roaring about revenge and Grover getting what was coming to him as he was dragged out of court. Kermit moved that all charges be dismissed against his client, and Matlock reluctantly agreed. The judge dismissed all charges, and the courtroom erupted. Grover was hugged by his "special friend" Karla, while Matlock looked deflated. Kermit was all smiles, having achieved victory. His wife Miss Piggy came up and gave him a big wet smooch.

Outside the courtroom, Matlock was downcast. "Fifty five years as a lawyer. All this time, I've never lost a case. This is the first time I ever lost. How do I go on?" he asked reporters, leaving.

Kermit was much more pleased, surrounded by Miss Piggy and an army of Muppets, "Justice was done. My client is a free man, free to go home and know that he's innocent in the eyes of the law. And the real murderer will stand trial for his crimes."

Grover was in a celebratory mood. Accompanied by Karla, he was beaming for the reporters outside court. "I am so happy, sirs and madams! I knew that I was innocent! And my attorney Kermit got my name redeemed! Now if you will excuse us, we are going home, sirs and madams! We are getting lucky tonight!"

The last word must go to RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich, the lawman who arrested Grover. "Damn," he muttered, looking irritated. "Damn, damn, damn." No reporter dared ask him as he walked away about Metallica. Not even the stupid ones.

T Is For Trial, Part Five

Kermit Goes On The Offense To Defend Grover

Defense attorney Kermit the Frog continued his defense of murder suspect Grover today in court. Among the witnesses brought out to testify was the mysterious Karla, already confirmed to be Grover's lover, who, only yesterday, was one half of a cat fight with Miss Piggy in court.

Miss Piggy was diplomatic while speaking with reporters. "I thought she was blowing kisses at my Kermie. So of course I had to fight her. Well, it turns out I was mistaken. She was blowing kisses at Grover. So we managed to make up.

Karla was sworn in by the bailiff, and before a packed court room full of muppets, reporters, and lookers-on, she began her testimony. Kermit asked her about her relationship with the blue muppet. "Well, my hubby and I like to spice things up in the bedroom from time to time. We met Grover in a casino in Atlantic City three years ago, and he's been part of our lives ever since. I'll tell you, there's nothing quite like it to have your hubby on one side of you, a gorgeous muppet on the other, and the three of you are just about to get off..."

"Um, thank you," Kermit said quickly. "That's quite enough of that. On the night of the murder, where was Grover?"

"With us. In bed. See, we were in the middle of..."

"Objection!" Prosecutor Ben Matlock thundered. "Is this a courtroom or a porn studio?"

"Oh, come on," Karla protested. "I can show you pictures."

Kermit quickly recovered. "Karla, we don't need the details of your... personal life. Was he there all night?"

"Yes."

"He didn't take or make any phone calls?"

"None."

"Is he the sort of muppet who'd kill anyone?"

"Absolutely not. No way. He's sweet and adorable and beautiful." At this point, she blew kisses and winked at the defendant. Grover seemed to smile and softly sighed. "If you want to talk about muppets who'd kill, talk to Animal or the Count. Animal is, well, crazy. And the Count is a vampire."

"Two accusations! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!" the Count was heard to say in the gallery.

"Thank you. No further questions."

Matlock walked up to the witness at this point, and stared at her. And stared. And stared some more. Karla frowned. "Is there a question coming?"

"I'm just wondering what kind of person would sleep with a muppet," Matlock remarked.

"Don't knock it if you haven't tried it," the witness said with a wicked smile.

Matlock shrugged. "No questions."

The trial continues. Kermit rushed out of court after receiving a message from a clerk, without stopping to speak to reporters. One group of reporters crowded around Karla, who showed off pictures. Another crowded around Inspector Lars Ulrich.

"How about it, Inspector?" a reporter for the New York Times inquired. "Aren't Animal and the Count more likely suspects in this case then Grover? After all, as has been pointed out, the Count is a vampire. And Animal did throw that cream pie at President Sarkozy last year..."

"I won't comment on that," the Inspector said.

A reporter for Access Hollywood spoke next. "Lars! Any truth to the rumor that Metallica is going to appear on American Idol next season?"

Ulrich glared at the man with disgust. Then he took his service revolver from his holster, pointing it at the man. "You have twenty seconds. Then I'm coming after you." The reporter looked around nervously, as if to wonder if it was a joke. Then the Inspector started counting down. "Nineteen, eighteen, seventeen..."

The reporter bolted.

T Is For Trial, Part Four

Kermit Opens Defense; Catfight Disrupts Court

The case for the defense opened today in the Grover trial, attended by a mix of muppets and people in a packed courtroom. Things got off to an unusual start before court, when a fight broke out. Prior to the jury's arrival, Grover was conferring with his attorney, Kermit the Frog. The woman in Grover's life, known publicly as Karla, was busily blowing kisses to the defendant. Nearby, Kermit's wife Miss Piggy saw the gestures, and seemed to mistake them as being meant for her husband.

Miss Piggy lunged out of her seat, charging across the aisle and attacking Karla. A sound not unlike a high pitched karate yell was heard, and both Miss Piggy and Karla hit the floor, scratching, hitting, pulling at hair, and screaming in fury.

Oscar the Grouch and Cookie Monster pulled Miss Piggy off Karla. Bailiffs rushed in, and ejected both women from the courtroom. Kermit protested, yet was refused the right to speak to his wife before court. And with that, the trial continued.

Kermit called as his first witness a grim looking muppet called Knuckles. With much reluctance and hesitation that took the entire morning to get around, Knuckles admitted that he was a bookie, and that Grover was one of his frequent customers. He went on to elaborate that Grover had owed him fifty thousand dollars after a bet on a Yankees-Red Sox game didn't go the way Grover expected. And he added that Grover had paid the debt in full, the day before the murder. Kermit reminded the jurors that this was the same amount the prosecution would have them believe Grover used as a hit-payment.

Prosecutor Matlock crossexamined Knuckles, asking why anyone should believe the word of a bookie. Knuckles countered that by remarking that Matlock's former partner Michelle was a regular customer of his gambling services. It left the stalwart DA speechless.

Kermit proceeded to call in character witnesses. Oscar The Grouch was the first, and his testimony was laced with profanity. "Look, I've known Grover for a real long ****ing time, and there's a lot he's capable of, sure. I mean, threesomes with a married couple is a bit weird. But murder? No ****ing way! He doesn't have it in him! Now, you want to see a murderer? Why hasn't anyone really taken a good look at the Count? He's a ****ing vampire, people!"

Count von Count, sitting in the gallery, looked shocked. "Me? Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! That's ridiculous!"

Matlock cross examined Oscar, but his cross examination didn't get off to a good start. "Mr. Grouch..." the prosecutor started.

"What the **** do you want?" Oscar grumpily demanded.

Matlock seemed horrified. "Your Honor, really, this language on the part of the witness..."

The judge sighed. "I allowed it. It's part of his vernacular, and people have heard that word before."

"Yeah! So ask your ****ing question," Oscar challenged.

Matlock stared at the green muppet, who glared back. "No questions," the prosecutor declared.

Court came to an end, and Kermit went off in search of his wife. Outside, reporters crowded around Matlock and Inspector Lars Ulrich. One asked, "Mr. Matlock, Inspector, have you really considered other suspects in this case? The Grouch made a good point, after all. There's a vampire living on Sesame Street."

Matlock shrugged. "All fancy tricks on the part of the defense, ladies and gentlemen. I've done them myself when I was a defense attorney. We know Grover is guilty."

A reporter with Entertainment Tonight surged forward. "Lars! How do you feel about Keith Richards slagging Mick Jagger in his autobiography?"

Ulrich glared at the reporter, contempt in his eyes. "Are you really this stupid, you moron?"

"Is that a no comment?"

"You want a comment?"

"Yes. Would this happen in Metallica?"

Ulrich said nothing. Instead he threw a punch, breaking the reporter's nose and sending him tumbling down the stairs, much to the applause of the real journalists. Up tomorrow? The defense intends to put Karla on the stand....