S Is For Sentencing

Muppet Supervillain Sentenced To Death

Convicted murderer and muppet Fred Johnson, aka Fat Blue, aka Mr. Johnson, has been sentenced to death in the murder of Elmo. The balding mustached muppet and proverbial nemesis of Grover, whom he framed for the death of the little red menace, was outraged by the guilty verdict two weeks ago. Now, in the wake of a death sentence, he was even more so.

Grover was exonerated in a stunning turn of events through the legal skills of his attorney, Kermit the Frog, who brought forth evidence damning Johnson and clearing Grover's name. The evidence was used by prosecuting attorney Ben Matlock, who sought to redeem his reputation with a conviction.

"Justice has been done," the white haired legal ace told reporters after the hearing. "That bloody little muppet murdering bastard has an appointment with the needle. I commend him to hell, where he belongs." Reporters asked Matlock about his colourful choice of vocabulary. The prosecutor smiled serenely, and replied, "**** you."

Defense attorney Robert Shapiro, previously best known for helping get OJ Simpson out of a minor little scrape, was flabbergasted, promising an appeal. "This is a travesty! My client was railroaded into prison! Well, this will not stand! We will continue to fight to free him! At least until his money runs out!"

Johnson was removed from court by federal marshals. He's due to be flown out west to a supermax prison to await execution. Reporters saw his removal, and Johnson was ranting. "This isn't over!" he bellowed as marshals took him down the corridor. "You hear me? I'll find that blue bastard Grover! I'll find him and kill him! Vengeance will be mine! Vengeeeeaaaaaannnncccce!! Ha ha ha ha ha!!!"

Grover himself was in court for the sentencing, and seemed subdued when reporters spoke to him. "Well, sir, I do not understand why Mr. Johnson was so agitated with me. All I did, sir, was try to help him out from time to time. He did not have to frame me for murder, you know, sir. Now, if you will excuse me, sir, I have a date with my two favourite people."

This reporter attempted to reach Lars Ulrich, the RCMP Inspector who was brought in to solve the murder and arrested Grover. A call to his post was taken by a junior officer, who, when asked for the Inspector, first stated that the Inspector is not with Metallica. When this reporter explained that he merely wanted the Inspector's opinion on the sentencing, the officer explained that the Inspector was out in the back country wrestling a Sasquatch.

T Is For Trial, Part Six

Shocking Turn Of Events At Grover Trial

An unexpected development stunned onlookers at the Grover murder trial today. Defense Attorney Kermit the Frog called Grover nemesis Mr. Johnson to the stand, despite the fact that Johnson did not appear on his witness list. When prosecutor Ben Matlock objected, Kermit informed the judge that new evidence had come to light requiring an addition to his witness list.

Johnson was sworn in, and the frog went to work. In the gallery, there was a hush, as muppets and humans alike wondered what Kermit was up to. "Mr. Johnson, do you go by other names?" Kermit asked innocently.

"Well, I'm Fred, of course. My detractors also call me Fat Blue. Some of them call me Mr. Blue."

"You don't like my client, do you?"

"No, not really. He's pretty annoying."

"In fact, you hate my client, don't you?"

"Objection!" Matlock thundered.

"Your Honor, I do have a point," Kermit informed the judge, who allowed it. Kermit faced Johnson again. "He's always annoyed you, hasn't he? He's always in your face, making life difficult for you. You hate him enough to kill."

Johnson looked as though he was about to have a stroke. "Now see here one minute..."

"I'd like to enter into evidence Defense Exhibit 13, a sworn affidavit sent to my offices yesterday, by the real murderer, an assassin for hire." Kermit handed a large envelope to the bailiff. "The assassin contacted me last night, informing me of what he had done, who had hired him, and why his client wanted Elmo dead. Furthermore, the assassin sent recordings of their conversations and financial records linking his client to the killing. All in one neat tidy package. Unfortunately the assassin added that he's now living comfortably in a country without extradition treaties, so we can't get him."

"Objection!" Matlock bellowed. "This is all conjecture!"

"The chain of evidence in this matter has been verified," Kermit informed the court confidently. "And the assassin identified himself. It was Mr. Snuffy."

Gasps filled the courtroom. Big Bird was horrified. "Mr. Snuffy! Not him!"

Fozzie Bear shrugged. "Wait... you mean the shaggy elephant did it?"

Beaker looked his usual high strung self. "Meep! Meep! Meep meep!"

Matlock was unimpressed. "This is an outrage! The defense is trying anything to save that murdering client of his!"

"Oh, come on, you did the same sort of thing all the time when you were a defense attorney," Kermit reminded Matlock.

"He's got you there," the judge remarked.

Kermit waded back into battle, facing Mr. Johnson. "Mr. Snuffy named you, Mr. Johnson, as his client. He added that you screwed him over by not paying him his winnings two years ago in a poker game, so he decided to screw you over by exposing you for murder. You did it. You had Elmo murdered and you framed Grover for it." Mr. Johnson looked as though he might explode. "Admit it. Admit it, damn you!"

"All right, I had Elmo killed, and I'd have done it again!!!!" Johnson screamed, glaring at Grover. "You blue bastard! You annoyed me over and over again!!! I hate you!! You were supposed to pay!! Pay with your life!! They were gonna hang you, you bastard!!"

"Mr. Johnson?" Kermit calmly called out.

"What??" Johnson countered, furious.

"You just confessed to murder. No further questions."

At this point, Johnson was taken into custody, ranting and roaring about revenge and Grover getting what was coming to him as he was dragged out of court. Kermit moved that all charges be dismissed against his client, and Matlock reluctantly agreed. The judge dismissed all charges, and the courtroom erupted. Grover was hugged by his "special friend" Karla, while Matlock looked deflated. Kermit was all smiles, having achieved victory. His wife Miss Piggy came up and gave him a big wet smooch.

Outside the courtroom, Matlock was downcast. "Fifty five years as a lawyer. All this time, I've never lost a case. This is the first time I ever lost. How do I go on?" he asked reporters, leaving.

Kermit was much more pleased, surrounded by Miss Piggy and an army of Muppets, "Justice was done. My client is a free man, free to go home and know that he's innocent in the eyes of the law. And the real murderer will stand trial for his crimes."

Grover was in a celebratory mood. Accompanied by Karla, he was beaming for the reporters outside court. "I am so happy, sirs and madams! I knew that I was innocent! And my attorney Kermit got my name redeemed! Now if you will excuse us, we are going home, sirs and madams! We are getting lucky tonight!"

The last word must go to RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich, the lawman who arrested Grover. "Damn," he muttered, looking irritated. "Damn, damn, damn." No reporter dared ask him as he walked away about Metallica. Not even the stupid ones.

T Is For Trial, Part Five

Kermit Goes On The Offense To Defend Grover

Defense attorney Kermit the Frog continued his defense of murder suspect Grover today in court. Among the witnesses brought out to testify was the mysterious Karla, already confirmed to be Grover's lover, who, only yesterday, was one half of a cat fight with Miss Piggy in court.

Miss Piggy was diplomatic while speaking with reporters. "I thought she was blowing kisses at my Kermie. So of course I had to fight her. Well, it turns out I was mistaken. She was blowing kisses at Grover. So we managed to make up.

Karla was sworn in by the bailiff, and before a packed court room full of muppets, reporters, and lookers-on, she began her testimony. Kermit asked her about her relationship with the blue muppet. "Well, my hubby and I like to spice things up in the bedroom from time to time. We met Grover in a casino in Atlantic City three years ago, and he's been part of our lives ever since. I'll tell you, there's nothing quite like it to have your hubby on one side of you, a gorgeous muppet on the other, and the three of you are just about to get off..."

"Um, thank you," Kermit said quickly. "That's quite enough of that. On the night of the murder, where was Grover?"

"With us. In bed. See, we were in the middle of..."

"Objection!" Prosecutor Ben Matlock thundered. "Is this a courtroom or a porn studio?"

"Oh, come on," Karla protested. "I can show you pictures."

Kermit quickly recovered. "Karla, we don't need the details of your... personal life. Was he there all night?"

"Yes."

"He didn't take or make any phone calls?"

"None."

"Is he the sort of muppet who'd kill anyone?"

"Absolutely not. No way. He's sweet and adorable and beautiful." At this point, she blew kisses and winked at the defendant. Grover seemed to smile and softly sighed. "If you want to talk about muppets who'd kill, talk to Animal or the Count. Animal is, well, crazy. And the Count is a vampire."

"Two accusations! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!" the Count was heard to say in the gallery.

"Thank you. No further questions."

Matlock walked up to the witness at this point, and stared at her. And stared. And stared some more. Karla frowned. "Is there a question coming?"

"I'm just wondering what kind of person would sleep with a muppet," Matlock remarked.

"Don't knock it if you haven't tried it," the witness said with a wicked smile.

Matlock shrugged. "No questions."

The trial continues. Kermit rushed out of court after receiving a message from a clerk, without stopping to speak to reporters. One group of reporters crowded around Karla, who showed off pictures. Another crowded around Inspector Lars Ulrich.

"How about it, Inspector?" a reporter for the New York Times inquired. "Aren't Animal and the Count more likely suspects in this case then Grover? After all, as has been pointed out, the Count is a vampire. And Animal did throw that cream pie at President Sarkozy last year..."

"I won't comment on that," the Inspector said.

A reporter for Access Hollywood spoke next. "Lars! Any truth to the rumor that Metallica is going to appear on American Idol next season?"

Ulrich glared at the man with disgust. Then he took his service revolver from his holster, pointing it at the man. "You have twenty seconds. Then I'm coming after you." The reporter looked around nervously, as if to wonder if it was a joke. Then the Inspector started counting down. "Nineteen, eighteen, seventeen..."

The reporter bolted.

T Is For Trial, Part Four

Kermit Opens Defense; Catfight Disrupts Court

The case for the defense opened today in the Grover trial, attended by a mix of muppets and people in a packed courtroom. Things got off to an unusual start before court, when a fight broke out. Prior to the jury's arrival, Grover was conferring with his attorney, Kermit the Frog. The woman in Grover's life, known publicly as Karla, was busily blowing kisses to the defendant. Nearby, Kermit's wife Miss Piggy saw the gestures, and seemed to mistake them as being meant for her husband.

Miss Piggy lunged out of her seat, charging across the aisle and attacking Karla. A sound not unlike a high pitched karate yell was heard, and both Miss Piggy and Karla hit the floor, scratching, hitting, pulling at hair, and screaming in fury.

Oscar the Grouch and Cookie Monster pulled Miss Piggy off Karla. Bailiffs rushed in, and ejected both women from the courtroom. Kermit protested, yet was refused the right to speak to his wife before court. And with that, the trial continued.

Kermit called as his first witness a grim looking muppet called Knuckles. With much reluctance and hesitation that took the entire morning to get around, Knuckles admitted that he was a bookie, and that Grover was one of his frequent customers. He went on to elaborate that Grover had owed him fifty thousand dollars after a bet on a Yankees-Red Sox game didn't go the way Grover expected. And he added that Grover had paid the debt in full, the day before the murder. Kermit reminded the jurors that this was the same amount the prosecution would have them believe Grover used as a hit-payment.

Prosecutor Matlock crossexamined Knuckles, asking why anyone should believe the word of a bookie. Knuckles countered that by remarking that Matlock's former partner Michelle was a regular customer of his gambling services. It left the stalwart DA speechless.

Kermit proceeded to call in character witnesses. Oscar The Grouch was the first, and his testimony was laced with profanity. "Look, I've known Grover for a real long ****ing time, and there's a lot he's capable of, sure. I mean, threesomes with a married couple is a bit weird. But murder? No ****ing way! He doesn't have it in him! Now, you want to see a murderer? Why hasn't anyone really taken a good look at the Count? He's a ****ing vampire, people!"

Count von Count, sitting in the gallery, looked shocked. "Me? Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! That's ridiculous!"

Matlock cross examined Oscar, but his cross examination didn't get off to a good start. "Mr. Grouch..." the prosecutor started.

"What the **** do you want?" Oscar grumpily demanded.

Matlock seemed horrified. "Your Honor, really, this language on the part of the witness..."

The judge sighed. "I allowed it. It's part of his vernacular, and people have heard that word before."

"Yeah! So ask your ****ing question," Oscar challenged.

Matlock stared at the green muppet, who glared back. "No questions," the prosecutor declared.

Court came to an end, and Kermit went off in search of his wife. Outside, reporters crowded around Matlock and Inspector Lars Ulrich. One asked, "Mr. Matlock, Inspector, have you really considered other suspects in this case? The Grouch made a good point, after all. There's a vampire living on Sesame Street."

Matlock shrugged. "All fancy tricks on the part of the defense, ladies and gentlemen. I've done them myself when I was a defense attorney. We know Grover is guilty."

A reporter with Entertainment Tonight surged forward. "Lars! How do you feel about Keith Richards slagging Mick Jagger in his autobiography?"

Ulrich glared at the reporter, contempt in his eyes. "Are you really this stupid, you moron?"

"Is that a no comment?"

"You want a comment?"

"Yes. Would this happen in Metallica?"

Ulrich said nothing. Instead he threw a punch, breaking the reporter's nose and sending him tumbling down the stairs, much to the applause of the real journalists. Up tomorrow? The defense intends to put Karla on the stand....

T Is For Trial, Part Three

Prosecution Closes Case In Muppet Murder Trial

Legendary attorney Ben Matlock brought the people's case against accused murderer Grover to a close today, with two final witnesses. After several days of presenting his case, Matlock turned the onus over to his rival attorney, Kermit the Frog.

It's been a compelling few days, with the coroner testifying about the specifics of Elmo's brutal death, which left many in court queasy, particularly in viewing autopsy pictures. Only Inspector Lars Ulrich appeared stoic as the pictures were displayed; he's seen plenty of that in his time. Other witnesses called to the stand included Bert and Ernie, who testified about Grover's resentment of Elmo's hogging the spotlight, and longtime Sesame Street resident Gordon Robinson, who predicted that Elmo would be even bigger (and more lucrative) in death then he was in life. "Yeah, we're all going to be rolling in the dough soon!" Robinson declared with a pleased smile.

The final day's testimony hinged on two individuals. Daredevil Gonzo the Great testified about his own altercations with Elmo. "Look, the little bastard got between me and my Camilla, so I'm glad to see he's gone. Camilla found him adorable for some reason or another," Gonzo told Matlock. "Whoever killed him did the world a favour. But it wasn't Grover. He wouldn't hurt anyone."

Matlock looked puzzled, as if wondering why he had called Gonzo to the stand. Kermit cross-examined Gonzo, seemingly routine questions, until the last one. "Gonzo, is it true that you **** chickens?"

The final witness was a puzzling one. Beaker was called to the stand by Matlock, and sworn in by the bailiff, who had some trouble with the muppet. "State your name for the record," the bailiff instructed.

Beaker looked around in confusion. "Meep!"

Matlock intervened. "Your Honor, the witnesses' personal language structure is a little eccentric. Let it be said that the witnesses' name is Beaker and leave it at that." The judge agreed, and Beaker took his place in the witness box. Matlock smiled, walking over. "Beaker, tell me, what kind of work do you do?"

"Mee... meep, meep, meep! Meep! Meep! Meep! Meep!" came the reply.

Kermit rose in objection. "What is the point of this testimony?" the frog demanded.

"Oh, no point," Matlock said in that laid back aw-shucks way of his. "I'm so confident that the defendant is guilty that I'm willing to waste the time of the court in having Beaker testify about nothing."

"Meep! Meep! Meep!" Beaker replied.

The judge instructed Matlock to sit down, and asked Kermit if he had any questions of the witness. Kermit nodded, and walked up to the lab assistant. "Beaker, do you believe Grover is guilty?"

Beaker shook his head vigorously. "Meep! Meep! Meep meep mee meep!"

"Let the record show that the witness shook his head. No further questions," Kermit declared.

And so the prosecution's case is at an end. Tomorrow, Kermit the Frog begins his case to save the life and reputation of Grover. And the woman known only as Karla continues her daily vigil in court, determined to see, in her words, her "sweet blue baby" cleared of all charges against him.

T Is For Trial, Part Two

Muppet Murder Trial Continues; Inspector Loses Temper With Defense Attorney

The Grover Trial carried on today, with the prosecution opening its case against the blue muppet in regards to the murder of Elmo. Outside the courthouse, mourners of the beloved little red muppet who hijacked his way into Sesame Street lit candles and sang Kumbaya. Inside, prosecutor Ben Matlock called RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich to the stand.

The Inspector laid out the evidence against Grover in his testimony, questioned by Matlock in his reliable trademarked Southern charm. The defendant sat with his attorney Kermit, looking high strung and nervous. He occasionally glanced back at the gallery, where the same dark haired woman who interrupted proceedings on the first day, sat among a sea of muppets, blowing him kisses.

Ulrich explained the case against Grover, starting with the damning recording found on his answering machine after the murder, from the individual who was the contract killer. He went into detail on the missing money removed from Grover's accounts, and the claim the muppet made about gambling debts.

"More to the point," Ulrich testified. "I looked into his eyes, and what I saw was a cold blooded killer. I've seen it before, and I'll no doubt see it again and again in my line of work. Grover set up that murder. He hired someone, and went off and got himself the perfect alibi."

The woman in question blurted out, "He was with my hubby and I! I swear, we were together all night!"

The judge didn't like the outburst, and had the woman removed from the gallery. Ulrich continued. "He was jealous of Elmo. The little red muppet had monopolized his way onto Sesame Street, and a lot of the old timers were set on the sidelines. Grover hated it, and it drove him to an obsessive hatred of Elmo. So he saw his chance, and he took it. He committed murder."

Kermit stepped up to crossexamine the Inspector. "Sir, isn't it true that you're an Inspector of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police?" the frog asked.

The inspector looked annoyed. He was, after all, the same man who recently defeated the hundred foot tall Stephen Harper and Sarah Palin singlehandedly, so he was far from intimidated by a two and a half foot tall frog. "Yes. Your point being?"

"Aren't you out of your jurisdiction investigating this case?" Kermit asked pleasantly.

In the gallery, Count von Count was heard to laugh. "One good point! Ah! Ah! Ah!"

The judge ordered silence from the gallery. The Inspector sighed, as if holding the defense attorney in contempt. "Look, Mr. Frog..."

"That's Kermit the Frog," Kermit corrected the Inspector.

"I was called in to do a job. I have a certain reputation in the field of law enforcement, and they needed help. And besides, a Mountie always gets his man. Or his muppet, in this case. We'll hunt a criminal to the ends of the earth if we have to."

"That's nice. Did it not occur to you to consider the possibility that my client is being set up? That he's innocent? Or did his peculiar accent and odd vocalizations annoy you into overlooking that possibility? Did his mistaking you for that Metallica musician really annoy you?"

"Look, damn it, I am not that Lars Ulrich!"

"I know that, Inspector. Indeed, I do. But Grover didn't. And that annoyed you. You really do get irritated when you get mistaken for him, don't you? You have a history of slugging reporters who make that mistake. Granted, reporters deserve to get slapped around, but that's not the point. The point is that your personal antagonism for Grover clouded your otherwise good judgement. You've condemned an innocent man, Inspector. A man who's been set up for a murder he had no part of. How's that make you feel?"
The Inspector seemed to search for an answer. Kermit shrugged, and told the judge he had no further questions. Court came to a close for the day, and once again, Grover was taken away by bailiffs. Rumor has it that Matlock is concerned about a jail break on the part of the defendant.

Among the muppets watching his departure, long time Grover nemesis Mr. Johnston was all smiles. "You know, that blue bastard is really getting what's coming to him. When he gets the chair, I'll be laughing my ass off."

T Is For Trial, Part One

Versus

                                                      




Trial Begins In Sesame Street Murder

Opening arguments commenced today in the first degree murder trial of the muppet Grover, accused of the brutal slaying of popular muppet Elmo. The trial promises to be a showstopper, and many of the residents who knew both were on hand for the first day.

Doctor Bunsen Honeydew and his lab assistant Beaker turned up early, meeting reporters outside. "Oh, what a glorious opportunity!" Honeydew declared. "We get to see the trial of the century, and it's happening here at Sesame Street. You know, this doesn't happen very often. Not since Animal tossed a whipped cream pie in the face of the Pope ten years ago..."

Beaker looked suitably nervous. "Mee... meeee, meep!" he exclaimed in that way only he can.

Honeydew didn't seem to notice. "Yes, this has delayed my upcoming experiment. You see, I'm going to infect Beaker here with the ebola virus, just to see what happens."

Beaker didn't seem to like that. "Meep!!!! Meep!!!! Meee! Meep meep meep! Mee mee mee meeeee! Meep!"

Oscar the Grouch and Count von Count turned up as well. "Get the **** out of my way!" the Grouch ordered reporters as he passed into the courthouse.

The Count was decidedly more polite. "One temper tantrum. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Two temper tantrums! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!"

Big Bird arrived, along with the Cookie Monster, who was stuffing his face full of Oreos. "Om nom nom!! Om nom nom!" Cookie Monster proclaimed as he headed inside, a trail of cookie crumbs falling behind as he went in.

Big Bird sighed, and spoke to reporters. "You know, it's tragic what happened to Elmo, but we shouldn't judge Grover. Not until he's found guilty anyway. I'm taking bets on the verdict, if anyone's interested in a bet."

Long time bickering couple Bert and Ernie arrived for the trial, and announced their intention to sit through the whole thing. "Well, we have to," Bert declared. "Grover's a buddy. Besides, that little twit Elmo outed us to the press."

"Yes, he got what was coming to him," Ernie agreed.

Inside the packed courtroom, filled with people and muppets, the defendant was brought in. Grover looked nervous, worried about his chances. A dark haired woman called out, "We love you, baby! We believe in you!" Then she blew the muppet a kiss.

Grover was brought to sit beside his attorney. Kermit the Frog has taken the case, dressed for court (unlike the rest of the time, when he walks about au naturel. The Frog has a worthy opponent in the prosecution. Legendary Atlanta defense attorney Ben Matlock, who for years prowled the halls of southern courts unmasking killers in dramatic last minute cross-examinations (all while wearing an endless number of grey suits) is the prosecutor for the case. He's still as white haired as ever, still the aw-shucks Southerner, but he's wearing black these days. It's a big change for Matlock, and so is the new job.

"Oh, I spent forty years putting people behind bars or to death by exonerating my clients," Matlock told reporters before the case began. "I figured I'd come out of retirement and work as a DA for awhile, get back to putting murderers on the electric chair again, only for the other side. Besides, I lost a lot of retirement money to that son of a bitch Madoff, so I had to get back to work."

Both attornies addressed the jury. It was an epic clash of titans, worthy of William Jennings Bryan and Clarence Darrow. Matlock told the jurors that they would be confronted with damning evidence that Grover was ultimately responsible for the murder of Elmo. Kermit countered that his client is innocent, that he would never hurt anyone, and that Grover's fate was in their hands. There was a sneer of disbelief from the gallery. This reporter thought it might be the RCMP Inspector, Lars Ulrich, who made the arrest, and is in attendance. Another reporter suggested later that it was longtime Grover nemesis Mr. Johnson.

The first day of the trial is at an end, and Grover was taken back into custody. While Inspector Ulrich started arguing with a reporter outside the building, the same woman who'd made her outburst in court addressed other reporters. "My Grover is innocent! He'd never hurt anyone. I know this jury will look into his beautiful sexy eyes and see him for who he is! And if they don't, I'll just have to break him out of prison..."