Convicted murderer and muppet Fred Johnson, aka Fat Blue, aka Mr. Johnson, has been sentenced to death in the murder of Elmo. The balding mustached muppet and proverbial nemesis of Grover, whom he framed for the death of the little red menace, was outraged by the guilty verdict two weeks ago. Now, in the wake of a death sentence, he was even more so.
Grover was exonerated in a stunning turn of events through the legal skills of his attorney, Kermit the Frog, who brought forth evidence damning Johnson and clearing Grover's name. The evidence was used by prosecuting attorney Ben Matlock, who sought to redeem his reputation with a conviction.
"Justice has been done," the white haired legal ace told reporters after the hearing. "That bloody little muppet murdering bastard has an appointment with the needle. I commend him to hell, where he belongs." Reporters asked Matlock about his colourful choice of vocabulary. The prosecutor smiled serenely, and replied, "**** you."
Defense attorney Robert Shapiro, previously best known for helping get OJ Simpson out of a minor little scrape, was flabbergasted, promising an appeal. "This is a travesty! My client was railroaded into prison! Well, this will not stand! We will continue to fight to free him! At least until his money runs out!"
Johnson was removed from court by federal marshals. He's due to be flown out west to a supermax prison to await execution. Reporters saw his removal, and Johnson was ranting. "This isn't over!" he bellowed as marshals took him down the corridor. "You hear me? I'll find that blue bastard Grover! I'll find him and kill him! Vengeance will be mine! Vengeeeeaaaaaannnncccce!! Ha ha ha ha ha!!!"
Grover himself was in court for the sentencing, and seemed subdued when reporters spoke to him. "Well, sir, I do not understand why Mr. Johnson was so agitated with me. All I did, sir, was try to help him out from time to time. He did not have to frame me for murder, you know, sir. Now, if you will excuse me, sir, I have a date with my two favourite people."
This reporter attempted to reach Lars Ulrich, the RCMP Inspector who was brought in to solve the murder and arrested Grover. A call to his post was taken by a junior officer, who, when asked for the Inspector, first stated that the Inspector is not with Metallica. When this reporter explained that he merely wanted the Inspector's opinion on the sentencing, the officer explained that the Inspector was out in the back country wrestling a Sasquatch.
No comments:
Post a Comment