It's going to be easy - like peeling a turtle.

However much of a hard time I give him, Bourdain is incredibly perceptive. (I should take a moment to clarify that I am speaking of my cat, not the chef. Though if you read this and assume I'm speaking of the chef, it would certainly make for a very colorful event...)

I left the carrier out all day so he wouldn't freak out when I brought it out tonight (he hides). I came home and shoved half a pill into some tasty tuna. This is a very hit or miss method--half the cats I've ever owned chomp away, the other half eat around the goddamn thing. Bourdain, true to his namesake, apparently is enough of a tuna connoisseur to know when someone's been tinkering with his tuna. He left that spot untouched.

So I got out the pill popper. I LOVE this thing, this $0.05 contraption has made my life so much easier I want to marry it. And it did the trick today. But Bourdain knew he was in trouble when he didn't finish his food and I headed off to the bathroom for it--he headed for under the bed.

And got really scared. And started farting his little head off. I can still smell farts on me.

But I pulled him out and cooed to him and popped it down his throat. I then went about my business and I can tell he thinks that's what all the drama was about, as he is now licking his privates in the middle of the room.

He has no idea.

Yes, baby, I made you take that pill so you can go...in the car.

He typically fights the hell out of the drugs and it's still a fairly unpleasant ride, but jesus. At least he doesn't SHIT and PISS and BARF during the one hour trip, which yes, he normally manages all three if we do this undrugged. Last year I tried just leaving his ass at home for ONE DAY all by himself (the other cat came with me, as he is a very seasoned and happy car traveller) and holy jesus. He hid from us when we came back, acting totally betrayed and abandoned. Like I just didn't love him. And I hope that is the closest I ever come to knowing what it's like to have a girlfriend...

And I still smell like goddamn cat farts. I'm going to have to change.