Who the hell bought black-eyed peas?

I am SO EXCITED. So periodically, I check all my favorite musicians' websites. Most of them never play in this part of the country, but I've been looking to get away somewhere by myself for a weekend, so I started checking around.



And holy shit! Dar Williams has a new album coming out, but far more shocking is the fact that she will be gracing not just Austin but Dallas as well! House of Blues, late October. I have not seen this bouncy lady since 2001 in Austin, and I am totally hyped to see her again. She hardly ever leaves New England. Yes, I already bought myself a ticket, you betcha. She is so fucking fun and I love her music. She's on the folksy side, very independent, liberal, clever and funny. I cannot fucking wait. Got my bells on and everything. She's not D's cup of tea, I'm fairly sure, but I'm not worried; I am happy to fly solo or pair up with someone who would appreciate the music.

Had a make-up voice lesson today. We've branched out into more Broadway, though they tend to be from musicals I'm less familiar with, like Show Boat and South Pacific. He has me singing People from Funny Girl, and though I quite prefer I'd Rather Be Blue, I'm not sure I can pull it off, to be honest. He also mentioned the October 5th concert again and seems to think I would do well. HMMMMMMMMMM, I say. We'll see. I would feel more inclined if I could play piano with my song rather than just sit up there like I'm on-stage in Thailand doing karaoke again. I mean, if that were the case, beer all around, right?

And speaking of Broadway, I'm hoping to sneak off to NYC mid-September for a weekend by myself to see Drew and meet the delicious new beau (I'm the last friend to meet him, how lame of me!) and relax. I wanted to treat them both to Equus, but then I looked up the tickets for Equus. Fuck ME. I'm still going to see it in October and all, I just won't be buying three tickets!! Plus D should see it, too. $150 a pop. Damn. So now I'm thinking dinner...but I have to see if I can get out of work and if I can even afford the trip!

Guy Ritchie

"Till Death Do Us Part"...

...is a title of an old Madonna song, and it looks like she knew what she was singing about. After rumors spread about the celebrity couple's fights and the potential break-up, Guy Ritchie cleared the air by publicly saying he and Madonna will not renew their vows, as there is no need for that. He also spoke about the birthday party Madonna was given, which reportedly cost $200,000. More about this can be found here. Also, Guy Ritchie has been seen at the pub he owns, with *gasp*, his sons Rocco (8) and David (2). And although their nanny was present, this whole hoopla reeks of Jude Law.

Karl Lagerfeld

Playing easy-to-get!

One of the most influential and important designers, Karl Lagerfeld, gets cuddly! A teddy-bear inspired by this fashionable big-shot will soon be released. Karl himself designed the toy, and the manufacturer Margarete Steiff is entrusted to produce the first couture teddy bear. To see the teddy-bear in question and read the whole story, click here.

David Duchovny

The Sex-Files

David Duchovni, the star of such shows as "The X-Files" and "Californication" (currently airing on Showtime) has voluntarily signed up for a therapy in order to cure his sex addiction. He has issued a statement begging the media for privacy, while he and his wife (actress Tea Leoni) deal with this "issue". Whatever. I honestly believe there is no such thing as addiction to sex. It is more likely Leoni decided to lock her husband away while she's dealing with menopause. Full story here.

Lindsay Lohan

Ronson drama!

Ooh, this is juicy! Seems like Michael Lohan, the estranged father of LiLo (yet very present in the media), who until yesterday applauded Lindsay's relationship with Samantha Ronson, has now very loudly criticized his daughter's taste in women. He has said naughty stuff about Ronson, like using Lindsay to become famous (probably true) and has even created a rumor that Ronson is writing a "tell-all" book about Lindsay and herself (definitely not true, who in the world would buy that?!). And now Ronson has published a very heated blog post on her MySpace page, where she claims she has no need to defend herself... Umm, why write a blog then? But I think the best reaction comes from Lindsay herself, who also blogged, but stayed true to the rules of showbiz - and managed to promote her song "Confessions of a Broken Heart" in her post. Kudos. To read a more detailed story, click here, and to read the blog posted by Ronson, click here.

t.A.T.u.

t.A.T.u. are the new faces of Marc Jacobs

The controversial designer hired a controversial band to promote his new Autumn/Fall 2008. collection. The girls are controversial because they pretended to be underage lesbians some 10 years ago. He is controversial because he stuffed Victoria Beckham in a shopping bag last year. I can't wait! Full story here.

Yes, they're jeans. And they're in order. Don't mix 'em up!

Dr. Baltar, in just how many ways and how many times can you fuck humanity over, anyway? Wow.

I watched Smart People with dinner tonight, and I was pleasantly surprised!



It's not that I wasn't expecting to like it, it's just that movies like that tend to let me down; I want them to be more. I'm not saying I need to own it or anything, but it was very enjoyable. Not a lot, you know, happened, but the characters were great--not completely unlikable--and the actors were great. I totally didn't buy that there was any chemistry between Dennis Quaid and Sarah Jessica Parker, but hey, small point. It had more than enough going for it that I actually want to write a review.

As far as campaign fun goes, the events coordinator here got back to me first, so I may end up writing content for my county's Obama site. More on that as I know more...hope it's something I can do at work, too!

Completely unrelated to everything, there is THE BIGGEST GODDAMN SPIDER living around the outside lights above our garage. He is huge. Like, I saw him from the street early one morning. And he's still there. We named him Filbert for absolutely no reason, except in hindsight there is some mild alliteration fun when you say, "Don't fuck with Filbert." Seriously. He's huge. He could eat a cat. I'm not messing with him.

Wanna go throw stuff off the roof like Letterman used to do?

I'm watching the season finale of season 2.5 of BSG...first of all, I'm glad they finally had an episode showing Number Six's rebirth and how she sees/hears Dr. Baltar talking to her, since it's always been the other way around. She has always kind of irritated me and that episode helped. And you know, I find it baffling enough that I like Baltar as it is, and now the whole running against Rosalyn for the Presidency thing...I mean, am I supposed to hate him now? Wtf?

The honey chicken was delicious, but I so passed out not long thereafter. Tonight there is a yellow tomato bisque on the menu and a Caesar salad with yummy dressing, neither of which I've made before. They actually had yellow tomatoes at my pleb grocery store, I was surprised. Not saying the cashier had ever seen any before, judging from her reaction, but hey. I like to buy the really obscure veggies just so they have to look em up.

I finally found a few offices in the Tarrant County area for campaign volunteering. I don't know how this is going to go, but I sent an email to all the offices except for phonebanking and fundraising. Cause even though I can do those things, why make it miserable for myself? But again, we'll see how this goes...

Also, been reading some Charlie Huston...it's been a while. Reading The Shotgun Rule; I've only read Already Dead in the past, but it was quite memorable, both in style and content. I was in the mood for some page-turning noir crime...which now has me wanting some James Ellroy, so I requested My Dark Places and White Jazz from the library.

And if you didn't see it, Wil Wheaton recently had a post about a particular movie coming out next year that Kevin Smith may or may not have been allowed to screen but not discuss...it's a funny read. Don't know if it quells my doubts by any means, but it's good to know nonetheless.

Nicolette Sheridan

The wedding is off

The star of "Desperate Housewives", Nicolette Sheridan, broke up with her fiancé Michael Bolton on "amicable terms". Since they have been engaged since March 2006, I say we should have seen this coming. Nicolette seems to me very much like her "Desperate Housewives" character Edie Britt, so this comes as no surprise. Besides, if she indeed is anything like Edie, she'll be just fine. She is one tough cookie. Full story here.

Lose the makeup! Get a haircut! And stop using my razor to shave your fun zone!

So despite having a fairly shitty week, I have decided to just be happy. See? There, I've done it.

I also have $70 worth of muscle relaxers in the next room!

Apparently they don't carry a generic brand, so they'd better be good. And it says not to drink with them, so let's pop those babies open after this next glass of wine!

Ok, not so much. I wanted wine tonight with the honey chicken, so I'll save the doping for tomorrow. AND they can make you tired--just like I fucking knew would happen. You go to the doctor and they give you drugs, which 99% of the time, zap the shit out of you. Time to go back to the chiropractor to get my noggin kung-fu ninja-ed from side to side.

I've been having a major Scrubs craving lately, no idea why. Just popped in there. We left off on season 3, so I've added all of season 4 to my queue. Great stuff.

Oh, and before I forget, thank you SO MUCH Alex for passing along the Savage Love podcast. Regarding the last podcast and the one chick asking about the dick-sucking kittens...WTF?!?!?!? Omfg, words totally escape me and then some. I don't recall the last time I was that speechless. Inasmuch as I dislike most people, every once in a while, there's a special kind of idiot that still manages to stun me. Great podcast, check it out!

I noticed the FAA was having a tiny little problem with, oh I don't know, every flight in America today...have I mentioned lately how happy I am not to be working for an airline anymore? Nearly as thrilled that no one I know nor myself was stuck at the airport today. How tedious...like it's not bad enough. The only way it's worse is if you're in Houston or...dethroning Houston as shit airport #1 this year would be...Atlanta, congratulations, come get your trophy, formed in whatever shape makes it easier to repeatedly rape people in the ass and then ask them hurry up and get out of the way.

I'm not bitter. (FYI, though I've never been there myself, Miami always had by far the worst rep from everyone I spoke with...I don't know what they do to people at MIA, but watch the fuck out, that's all I'm sayin').

It's dinner time, I'll stop ranting now.

Ellen Degeneres

Back to Kodak!

The recently wedded comedian Ellen Degeneres is the last in the long line of ultra-celebrities who have been scheduled to appear at an event organized to raise awareness about cancer. Celebrities who are also slated to attend are Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Aniston, Kirsten Dunst, Meryl Streep, Christina Applegate, Charlize Theron, and many others. And if this reminded you of the Oscars, just wait until you find out the event is being held at the Kodak Theatre! Full story here.

A person doesn't have to be perfect to be exactly what you need.

So I went to the doctor today, who basically told me I needed the same type of physical therapy I was getting at the chiropractor. So whatever. Although she did get me a prescription for muscle relaxers and anti-inflammatory drugs. Woo hoo, let's see what those do!

I made those Middle Eastern turkey burgers and fuck were they good. You put them on pita bread with cucumber-yogurt dip between the two...so fucking tasty. I highly recommend.

I had perhaps the most worthless weekend ever. Saturday I took it easy and just watched a ton of BSG and a disc of 24...not realizing that Sunday I planned on getting sick and really being worthless all day. Just a bunch of sleeping and some minimal eating...soda crackers and ginger ale are still magical. All better now...

My friends seem to be doing very well lately: Drew's boyfriend is moving in with him in his Washington Heights pad, which is very exciting. I still need to meet this boy! And Emily just sent me a text that she landed a job (she just moved to Brooklyn with her new husband) with the Japan Foundation. So happy for both of them! And I can't wait to visit...

Speaking of which, I heard a rumor as to why they pushed the next Potter film back for nearly a year. The reason WB gives is that the writers' strike pushed everything back. However, the film is completed, so that doesn't make a lot of sense. But then you realize that right about the same time in November the film would be opening, guess who's going to be flashing his wang all over NYC? Yup, they pulled it (so the rumor goes) because of Equus. On the one hand, I can kind of understand--they need him for press stuff and to only be answering questions about Potter, not about gettin' nekked. But on the other hand, really? Seriously? Gimme a fucking break.

And I finally got around to watching Lust, Caution (how long did that take...), which is infamous for its explicit sex scenes. Ok, first of all, those didn't really do anything for me, not that they were even the point of the film. Secondly, the movie was kinda...meh. It was just...you know, kinda pedestrian, to be honest. Sigh. I hate disappointing movies.

Luckily, I have the last discs of season 2.5 of BSG and of Arrested Development season 1 at home tonight, along with a little honey chicken number for dinner...so it should be a nice evening. Mmmm hmmmm....

Cher

Cher to play "Catwoman"?!

Heath Ledger hasn't yet got an Oscar nomination, and the studio executives are already thinking about the next installment of the re-invented "Batman" series. And guess who they want to play the sexy, mysterious, (semi)femme-fatale Catwoman? Cher! Sure, she's won an Oscar, but she's 62 for crying out loud! And no, I also wouldn't want to bring back Halle Berry, but why not Michelle Pfeiffer? And more importantly, why Cher?! Full story here.

Brangelina

Their children eligible for financial aid?

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's six children are eligible to receive $2,600 a month! It turns out the French have a very good social care system when it comes to things such as "nanny payment" and "orphan allowance". And the best part is - you get it regardless of your financial status! And since Brad registered their kids in France, the brats are eligible! Full story here.

Janice Dickinson

Mrs. Competitive

I love this. Janice Dickinson appeared at some fashion event in order to promote the upcoming season of "Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency", and someone asked her about transsexuals (just in case you didn't know, transsexuals are all the rage in Hollywood these days). Janice replied that she already went tranny in her first season, and that it was quite expected Tyra Banks would knock her off at some point. I love Janice, she is such an inspiration. :)

Felicity Huffman

A piece of Madonna

Wow, looks like the women of Wisteria Lane are really desperate to be in the news today! After the rather serious story on Teri Hatcher, comes a lighter one about her "Desperate Housewives" co-star, Felicity Huffman. Huffman has recently stated in the interview that she tried on Madonna's (used, I presume) underwear, while filling in for the Material Girl on Broadway. For the whole story, click here.

This is your receipt for your husband... and this is my receipt for your receipt.

Wow, it's only Monday and it's already a totally shitty week. It's partially stupid shit and mostly me and my hormonal bullshit. Good times.

It's so bad, I'm one mouse fart away from breaking out a Buffy episode, and let's face it, Once More With Feeling, with about ten beers.



(wtf is up with this video?)

Though I suppose this song may be more appropriate...



But the hottest song of all was always this one...and you know who you are!



Anyhoo. I have to work tomorrow, so mebbe "two beers" is more accurate....I may have my headphones in, but people are probably still totally looking at the weird tipsy chick mouthing along...

Teri Hatcher

Hatcher's uncle dies in prison

Although this may sound like a plotline out of "Desperate Housewives", it's 100% true. Teri Hatcher, the star of one of the most popular shows on TV and many low-budget flops, was abused as a child by her uncle. This guy then went on to molest two other girls, until he was finally arrested and imprisoned for 14 years. Now that he is dead, Teri commented on the situation, adding she was abused when she was only five years old. Full story here.

Donald Trump

He likes to move it, move it

The biggest social event of the past few weeks turned out to be a party thrown by Donald Trump in celebration of his new hotel opening in Dubai. Christina Aguilera was in charge of keeping people entertained. Among the many celebrities to attend, most spotted were Hilary Swank, Lucy Liu, Orlando Bloom and many others. For pics, click here.

Madonna

Madonna kicks off "Sticky and Sweet" tour!

The Queen of Pop, who turned 50 a year ago, defied her age at the premiere of her "Sticky and Sweet Tour" in Cardiff last night. After approximately 653 hours of rehearsal time, she hopped and shook her booty to hits ranging from the classic "Like a Prayer" to the urban "Beat Goes On". Full story and pics here.

Daniel Radcliffe

Dirty Harry

The controversial play "Equus", starring (naked) Daniel Radcliffe and "Harry Potter" co-star Richard Griffiths goes to Broadway! After successfully mooning England, "Equus" goes USA, and what better way to celebrate it, than be featured in "Vogue"? And Radcliffe apparently has no problems with shedding his clothes, so for a preview of the September issue, click here.

Gwen Stefani

Gwen Stefani gives birth to a baby boy!

Stefani, a rocker turned fashionista, gave birth to a baby boy on Thursday in Los Angeles. This is her second child. And here's the best part - his name is Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale. I mean... Full story here.

I think you're either gonna come back a hero...or a real good anecdote.

So I have been swimming lately at my gym, in an effort to switch up my workout routine. Freestyle, not the biggest pool, but damn. Does that ever kick my ass. Wow. And I even bought goggles and a hair cap...though I must not have put the hair cap on properly, as my hair still got wet. Bobby pins next time, we shall see...otherwise, wtf?

But at least I'm not sore today.

Although, speaking of really bad ideas, I realized I had never self-cleaned the oven. So I'm not using the oven tonight, I'm using the grill. So I thought hey, let's do it. Omfg. NOT a good idea in TX in the summer. Jesus. It's a little warm in there now. I'm letting the Middle Eastern burgers and cucumber/yogurt dip do their marinating thing, me having a glass of wine with BSG and y'know what? I just can't be in there anymore. Frack me, is it ever HOT!!!

Completely unrelated, I am going to sit down with my LSAT stuff this weekend and do a dry run. Really. And I won't be drinking wine and watching BSG or Olympics while I do it. (Closing ceremonies on Sunday, baby!) Although I like to think of those as "extra challenges," i.e., if I can do it while doing those things...ok, just kidding.

Also trying to figure out how to beef up my application, I mean, anything would help, because I got nada. It occurs to me I could work for the Obama campaign...and the funny thing is, I tried to google a few different ways to work for the campaign here in my area...and it really wasn't working too well. Like it's just too obvious, I can't even google it. It reminded me of the guys in Office Space looking up "money laundering" in the dictionary.

But this is all so tentative and me just thinking out of my ass.

Way more importantly, at the moment, are the Middle Eastern turkey burgers that need to go on the grill (and the cucumber-yogurt dip needing to come out of the fridge), and the BSG that needs to be resolved. Cause omg, what's gonna happen??

How fast do your parents drive? ... We'll go 80.

Your results:
You are Jean-Luc Picard

Jean-Luc Picard 80% Uhura 75% Mr. Sulu 60% Will Riker 60% Geordi LaForge 55% An Expendable Character (Redshirt) 55% Beverly Crusher 50% James T. Kirk (Captain) 40% Leonard McCoy (Bones) 40% Worf 40% Spock 37% Chekov 35% Deanna Troi 35% Data 29% Mr. Scott 20%

A lover of Shakespeare and other fine literature. You have a decisive mind and a firm hand in dealing with others.

Click here to take the Star Trek Personality Test


I find it a little disheartening that "An Expendable Character" is QUITE so close to the top, y'know?

And really, were Jean-Luc and Uhura even similar enough in personality that I could almost be either? Srsly?

That's Ren and Stimpy. They're way existential.

So I rented Definitely, Maybe this past weekend for D...he quite enjoys Ryan Reynolds. Honestly, I do, too, but I can't say I'll watch just anything the man does. He certainly makes me laugh, but this actually wasn't really a comedy (intentional or otherwise). It was a romance, but it wasn't as crap as you'd expect. The daughter (Abigail Breslin) was totally the weakest link, but I'm not convinced that was the actress's fault. Just because most people can't write for children doesn't mean her delivery was shit, too. Kinda hard to call. Anyhoo.



It was cute and it had sort of a Post-Birthday World approach to the story, which is just to say it wasn't all about Your One True Love; there were many people in his life and the movie wasn't trying to pretend that only one person was meant for him. So that was kind of refreshing. But yes, it had barfbag moments, too.

The weather here is flat-out orgasmic; it feels to be in the 70s all day (it may actually be low 80s but to a native such as myself, it's a moot point), it's rainy...very little more I could ask.

I am even, by god, going to the gym after work. I want to start swimming, but a hair cap and goggles might make the prospect a little more enticing.

Leaving all the windows open has also brought on more bouts of redirected aggression from both cats, so good times there. And I decided I might need a break from BSG when I almost yelled at them this morning (at the sounds of a fight), "YOU WERE JUST EATING TOGETHER OUT OF THE SAME FRACKING BOWL!" And I used to think their usage of that word was so lame. Sigh. How easily led am I.

Another reason to hit the gym is that I noticed if I go the back way to work, I run across a Krispy Kreme. Not only did I stop this morning (oh, chocolate covered creme-filled sugary pills of death!) but I picked up an extra-shot white chocolate mocha from Starbucks. Ouch. "Hey Lard Ass, how was your trip?" I blame the workout I had this morning on my need to indulge in sweetness.

It's a vicious cycle, what can I say.

Everybody's alone. It's just easier to take in a relationship.

I took Hans in this morning, as his coolant has been leaking for quite some time. It has been getting worse, so I finally buckled and took him in. Even getting his oil changed as well...did you know they have a geriatric blend of oil for cars like mine? How nice.

Guy said he'd call with the estimate. Which scares me. Like, "this is going to hurt, so we'll start gently...and you'll want warning."

So then I jogged home, as the place isn't that far. At least, it's not a far drive. Green Oaks is kinda LONG, isn't it? It's also 71 degrees out, but because it's North Texas, let me assure you it is also quite humid. But I figure if I can take hot yoga...

Anyhoo. I survived. It's really not that bad, perhaps just under 4 miles. I did not puke 3/4 of the way home, though the thought may or may not have crossed my mind. (No, I did not run the entire time or my body might be on the side of the road somewhere). And nor was I abducted or run down! Which is good, because otherwise there would have been that awkward conversation when they have to tell my grieving parents, "Look, I know this is hard, but we just thought you'd want to know...there was some Britney Spears on your daughter's ipod."

And there'd be the shame, probably not unlike being a guy and having the bereaved find a secret porn stash.

So now I'm just waiting to hear what the monetary damage on Hans will be. There is cool, cloudy weather to buffer the inevitable suckiness part of the day, I just hope it's enough.

I'm also about to fix a yummy recipe from Fine Cooking I made a few years ago. The original recipe is for pork loin sandwich with homemade apple butter, but I think I'm going to substitute chicken this time. It's pumpernickel bread, spices rubbed into the meat and then roasted (after a nice searing), then slathered with apple butter. Mmmmmmmmmmm. Also got white wine in the fridge to go with it called, "Sweet Bitch," which frankly, how could anyone resist?

On a completely different note, people always act shocked when they ask me what the weather in Tokyo is like compared to here. I say you know, it's pretty similar. After all, North Texas and Tokyo are kinda on the same latitudinal line, you know? And SEE? I was reading on Pink Tentacle about a rare fungus that has surfaced in Nara (which is very close to Kyoto and where they have bizarre shitloads of deer running around) called Devil's Cigar--known only to have been found in Austin and southern Japan!

Also, you should look at this article on Pink Tentacle for great pics of Japan's tetrapod beaches...

Remember, when you're with me, it's the only time you're not the strangest person in the room. So go ahead, get weird with me.

Fuck yeah, baby!



I am so thrilled for Nastia Liukin! She was absolutely amazing tonight. I was originally rooting for Shawn Johnson, as she's just so fuckin' cute, but after the first event, I was too wowed by Liukin not to root for her. And hey, Johnson took silver! I was really glad, as it seemed all night that she was kinda gettin' robbed on deductions...even the commentators were bitching about it.

And triple bonus points to Liukin for barely managing to keep her shit together during the medal ceremony and national anthem.

Little Yang Yilin took the bronze...I feel like a bit of a shit, but she just kinda rubbed me the wrong way somehow. It's not her fault she's 12, but I was still glad to see the other two place higher. She was still incredible, don't get me wrong...and the piece she used on her floor exercise was one I really love--it's used in the end credits of Moulin Rouge...

And speaking of floor exercises, is it my imagination, or do the women get music and the men don't? The hell's that about?

Caught up on the individual men's finals...my boy Jonathan placed 9th, oh well. Mostly what bothers me is in the few articles I've read, a frequent reference to his "Texas twang." Now honestly, I haven't heard the guy speak all that much, but I don't recall hearing one myself. That worries me. Either I'm losing my ability to hear it and possibly developing one myself, or they're crazy. If it's the former, well, it's time to move.

What kind of rabbi calls somebody bitchy?

Still catching up on my Olympics...watched the men's team finals in gymnastics. The commentators spent the whole time berating the suckiness of the Japanese team when infact, however much they may have been bunging it up, they still snaked the silver from us.

And really, I don't think it was that they snaked it, it was Kevin Tan on pommel horse...well, jesus. It sucks to be solely responsible for losing a placement...12.775? That has to hurt in ways I don't want to imagine.



And I'm really looking forward to watching Jonathan Horton in the all-around finals. He reminds me of Andrew from Desperate Housewives and he's from fucking Houston...so you know he must be good if he's my favorite. He was fucking on tonight...or whatever night that was. Monday?

Anyhoo. Normally the gung-ho obnoxious patriotism of Americans kinda annoys me, to be honest. (What other country chants their own name nonstop?) But this is a little different--most of the teams either look so strained when they do well ("I didn't fuck up!") or maybe they kinda smile in relief. So I feel better watching the Americans really pull one out and just fucking exuberantly loving their achievement. I mean, it has to feel great not only not fucking up but really nailing it. And so I really enjoyed watching the men's team gymnastics because they really seemed to appreciate how well they were doing; it made it fun to watch.

Sometimes she just looks snappish.

Um, the pace in hot yoga was a little different today. Different guy was leading and uh, they seem to have picked it up considerably. I still managed to (kind of) do all the poses, though I wouldn't say well...or perhaps even passable...but you know. Whatever.

I'm watching the Olympics completely out of order...caught up on watching the American women's gymnastics this morning after yoga...ouch. Ok, so yes, I agree the Chinese ladies seem to be totally underage...one could even say it's painfully obvious.

I keep meaning to buy some Equus tickets online, October is getting alarmingly near (wtf?)...of course, this also means buying a couple tickets to New York...luckily, having two best friends in Washington Heights and Brooklyn cuts down on at least one expense! And then we'll eat soda crackers while we're there for food, it'll happen!

And for the record, even though I now have to pay for my airline tickets, I'm still glad I don't work for that fucking airline anymore. I always knew it would end up being too Stepford for me, but it was just a test of how long I could last. Sometimes when I'm driving somewhere--particularly on the weekend or at the time I would normally be driving out there, I think to myself, "Hey, at least I'm not driving out to work at [that airline]!"

And I fucking smile.

Make yourself a sandwich, drink a glass of milk...do some fuckin' thing.

Was shocked to read of a movie called The Road to Hell. The link has all the dirt.



As you know, I'm a bit of a sucker for Streets of Fire, and this would appear to be an unofficial sequel. Gee, think they're gonna fuck it up? It could just never have the soundtrack, feel or style of the original. Sigh. Sure, it has Michael Pare like the original, but someone call me when Amy Madigan, Diane Lane or Rick Moranis signs on...

So I'm a little behind on my Olympics, but I have watched quite a bit of the men's and women's qualifying gymnastics...omg. That shit is so stressful just to watch. It's amazing, but it's nerve-wracking. Tivo tapes it for me, so I can fast-forward and just watch the cool events...though I did slow up to watch a little of the synchronized diving, which I didn't even really know existed. I mean, it was mesmerizing, but...really? I just couldn't see putting in all that practice and time on...synchronized diving...sorry...

Anyhoo. Hot yoga continues to kick my ass.

Completely unrelated to everything, I was perusing sample tests online for LSATs because, let's face it, I haven't really been in school for uh, a while. And really, I thought it was no big deal until I looked at the first section, which appears to be logical reasoning. Now, it's really not a problem, it's not that hard, but damn. I just about glazed over right off. Might want to download a few practice ones if I ever expect to go back to school...not that that's anytime soon, mind you...a mere curiosity at this point.

Jennifer Hudson

New single!

A choir girl turned American Idol contestant, turned Academy Award winner, Jennifer Hudson, is finally releasing her debut studio album. The first single is called "Spotlight" and it's a nice little soulful r'n'b song. Check out the video here and click here to find out more about the album, what Hudson thinks of it and why she refused to drink coffee and be cranky during the video shoot.

Fergie

Fergie likes to role play!

Fergie cares a lot about her fiance, and reportedly doesn't mind slipping in a silly costume for the sake of keeping their bedroom hot. She's been a nurse, a dominatrix and a French maid. Soon, she will also be a prostitute in the star-studded film adaptation of "Nine". Full story here.

Matthew McConaughey

Organic fertilizing

Matthew McConaughey, the over-hyped actor who starred in "Sahara" (I can't remember any other movie) turns out to be crazy, too. See, he decided to plant his newborn sons placenta in his orchard. And no, this isn't just gossip, it's something he said in an interview. He says he hopes it will fertilize the land. More on this b/s here.

I prefer being a plaintiff, but a defendant's nice too. I get a martyr glow.

Mother fucker. I am out of practice. I went on with one minute left on my Ally McBeal box set, it was up to $100.99. I put in $176 and then, at three motherfucking seconds left to go, they stole it back and it went off at $177.76. Those cocksuckers.

As D put it, "You bid $176 and someone beat you?"

I still think it's not a bad price for five seasons, but yes, someone fucking beat me. Cock stain.

Anyhoo. We watched a good bit of the Olympics opening ceremonies tonight, it was more mesmerizing than I would have expected. I just wish they had refrained from showing Bush quite so much. He always has that goddamn fucking smug smirk on his fucking weasel face...just want a shot to ring out so badly...not that it really matters at this point, I suppose.

I haven't watched the Olympics in years. I asked Tivo to tape the diving and gymnastics for me, good times.

Beyonce

Beyonce is white.

This is hilarious. In the new L'Oreal ad campaign, Beyonce looks white! Of course, as soon as the commercial and the above pic leaked online, L'Oreal's PR denied that any Photoshop work had been done. I'm not buying it. And I also don't get why in the world would they airbrush Beyonce to look white, when women everywhere spend mucho moola on cosmetics in order to look darker! L'Oreal is obviously rasist. Either that, or Beyonce is becoming an albino.

Paris Hilton

Vote 4 Paris!

The one and only Paris Hilton, who was recently spoofed in the latest McCain ad, decided to fight back! So Ms. Hilton made one hilarious video, once again proving that blonds always win! Check out the video below and make sure you tell me what you think!

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Madonna

Madonna's "Sticky and Sweet" costumes!

Costume designer Arianne Phillips talks about Madonna's "Sticky and Sweet Tour" costumes, the challenges of working with Madonna, and shares sketches that he made exclusively for her. I'm pretty sure you would either sell your soul to go, or are already going, so read the full story here.

Britney Spears

Britney Spears to star in the new Tarantino movie!

The pop-princess is reportedly being cast in Tarantino's remake of "Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!" as a stripper! Tarantino says he is sure that she will be great in the roll (?) and she says it could really turn her career around. I'm thinking "Crossroads" meets "Death Proof" would be brilliant! Full story here.

Screw that "all for one" shit, alright? I gotta deal with being a minority in a minority of the minority, and nobody's supportin' my ass.

Greetings from Uno! I love this place not only for its deep dish pizza (second only to Mangia in Austin) but also for their fine selection of beers and the fact that, for free, I can totally tap into the wireless from the Worthington Hotel next door. Sweet! But the pizza is pretty fucking amazing...hot and cheeeeeeeeeeesy. Oh babybabybaby.

The weather today was unreal. I think the high was 94? Everyone was drooling on themselves in excitement. I wish it would stay that way. If I could pay someone money to make it happen, I would.

I keep forgetting two important things. First of all, D got a promotion! They are moving him to Southlake in September, the biggest store in the district. It's not his store, he's still ops, but obviously this is as high up as he can go in ops. (Though frustratingly he's not sure if it comes with a raise, as he hates to ask that. I always go off, I'm like, dude, they will rape you in the ass til the cows come home, you have every right to bring it the fuck up! That goddamn company is one of the worst I have ever seen about fucking their managers over to their face--shit, jacking off on their face and then not even having the decency to offer them a tissue after. Anyway.) But hooray. They like him. Of course they do. I need to think up a promotion present.

Actually, I guess he could keep being ops. He asked me a few weeks ago if I wanted to move to Alaska. Obviously, I said no. Something about a new store there...hey, pretty. Not living there, thanks.

And he's now off for four days, finally getting to take his Fourth of July day off, plus his weekend plus a day of actual vacation. He needs it. I tried to bump up a bunch of the two-star crappy horror movies that seem to appear on my Netflix list...

Hey, speaking of Netfux, I was part of the throttling settlement and woo hoo, get another disc! So now I have 8 at a time! Yes, that's right, I normally do 7 at a time. Got a problem with that?

So my friend J just called me, all excited about a burrito place opening between our houses, of which he's especially fond. It's really not worth noting, except that in trying to describe his excitement he said, "It's not often I come and cry at the same time." And I told him, "Yup, that's going in the blog!" and "I plan on using that in future film reviews, should anything ever inspire me to that degree." So he's quite fond of this place, to say the least. It's not bad, but damn.

Which got us to discussing Pineapple Express, because apparently he had the exact opposite reaction. Which kinda makes me sad, as it looked promising. He says the first half is bad improv, painfully so, and the second half is crap action. Sadcakes! So drink lots of beer if you go see it and maybe that will help.

The second thing I forget to write about is D bought me the complete PINK PANTHER BOX SET!!!! Major coolness. Apparently, there are like, thousands of episodes. All of them. ALL OF THEM. Maybe not the lame ones where he talks. But otherwise, ALL OF THEM. Can't wait. And he bought it for no reason at all! Awwwwww!

Two times this week I have come downtown and parked on the same block as the establishment I am frequenting. It is fucked up. I hope I retain this superpower and it is not one I have to give up at the end of the week.

Sarah Jessica Parker

East Village New Yorkers

The uber-New Yorker Carrie Bradshaw, aka Sarah Jessica Parker and her hubby of 11 years, Matthew Broderick, have decided to move after being stalked by the paparazzi. Parker and Broderick, both known for keeping their private lives private are moving to East Village, where they will probably barbecue with new neighbors Alan Cumming and Colin Farrell. Full story here.

Lindsay Lohan

Marriage Buzz

Since gay marriages and now legal in California, 22-year-old actress Lindsay Lohan is seriously thinking of marrying her DJ girlfriend Samantha Ronson. She has even bought a white Chanel dress for the wedding. If this made you laugh, wait until you read the whole story here.

I'm looking forward to seeing you in action. Jack says you've got a great big cock.

So I actually had a much better voice lesson this morning! He still really likes Ordinary Miracle, which still annoys me due to both the fact he assumes (?) it has religious overtones and because it's much easier for me. If it's so easy for me, why am I there?

But also, he was much more into Lubbock or Leave It this time (possibly due to my saying, "And here's the one you were less crazy about..."). He asked if I knew what city she was talking about (not realizing the title, I suppose). But of course I do, anyway. Apparently he grew up near Lubbock and even got to see Buddy Holly play a few times. No, I did not kill him in a jealous rage. Though he insists they didn't hate Holly in Lubbock. I did not argue, how asinine would that sound?

I don't want to say it's COOL outside, because I think it may still be in the upper 80s, but by god is it a change of pace. I'll take it! Bring on the storm!

This is really embarrassing to admit, but I'm fighting these bitches on ebay for a complete box set of Ally McBeal. I just really have a craving to watch it again (I watched it in Japan, ok? Fuck off.) It has never been released, so let us not ask from where this comes. But it is real, no doubt from another country; it's NTSC, Region 1, etc., so it's all good. Bitches is making it pricey. It goes off in three days and I'm trying to lay low after already getting in a bit of a snit bid-wise. Tryin' to be cool.

Ok, time for Thai food and more Arrested Development!

Morgan Freeman

Morgan Freeman hospitalized after a car crash

The 71-year-old Oscar winner for his role in "Million Dollar Baby" was airlifted to the Regional Medical Center in Memphis after the car he was driving flew off the road and flipped several times. His conditions is not critical any more, and he is reported to be in good spirits. Full story here.

That tall drink of water with the silver spoon up his ass.

Ohmyfuckinggod. My fan is FINALLY READY. The fan I left in MAY? Remember THAT? I had to call three times and this time he was all, "Huh. I thought we were done with that one..." which implies to me that it has been done for fuck knows how long and no one has called me.

But $140 later, it's ready. Jesus Fuck.

On the upside of the day, HANS PASSED INSPECTION!!! Go, little guy!! And thank god, cause it was up in July! (Hi, Mom!)

Also glad to see Morgan Freeman is still with us. When the initial reports talk about a car flipping "multiple times" and the injured parties getting airlifted, it seldom bodes well!

Rosario Dawson

Rosario Dawson Animated!

Rosario Dawson, the actress from such films as "Rent" and "Deathproof" has recently wrapped up shooting for new online animated series called Gemini Division. To check out the trailer and read the full story, click here.

I always said, if I had to fuck a guy... I mean had to, if my life depended on it... I'd fuck Elvis.

Wow. I'm curious to see how I function for the rest of the day, having gotten up at 5am to attend a 6am session of HOT YOGA. Yeah, baby! I actually got my ass up to do it!



It was...interesting. I really liked it, but jesus that's a lot of sweat. And I have consumed a half gallon of water this morning. Like, a lot of sweat. A ton. An Officially Disgusting Amount. That must have purged even deeply buried evils from the pit of my soul. And see that pose up there? Yeah, they made us do that. I cannot do that.

Let's see if I drag my ass back on Wednesday. I could go tomorrow morning, but that's a LITTLE too soon for my taste. I need to be able to delude myself once again. Shit, I'm just so totally proud I didn't pass out. It's 108 degrees in there during the yoga, but he kept it at a really good pace with lots of resting.

I have no idea what I did this weekend, really. Lots of nothing. I read Last Night at the Lobster by Stewart O'Nan yesterday, which was short and kinda depressing. Not abnormally depressing, just average depressing, which is almost worse, considering the story.

But before sitting down with that, I treated myself to a fairly crappy brunch at a nearby Italian place called Bravo! The food itself was fine, I was really grossed out by their mimosas, which appeared to be champagne and Tang...so I got a Bloody Mary instead, which I usually save for brunch in New York, but whatever. It was just...nasty. Too spicy and really, just all-out grody. For food, I was vacillating betweeen a bitchin' sounding French Toast-strawberry ensemble and this crab cake with spinach/artichokes on toast with poached eggs on top. I figured I'd got for the latter (feeling adventurous) and you know, it was more than a little decent!

Just, seriously, the mimosa grossed me out enough that I don't think I would go back. Wtf? Just knowing it's there is too much.

Started Curb Your Enthusiasm...hmmm. The jury's still out. I need to give it another couple discs, according to everyone who loves it. It's just...painful. Not that there's anything wrong with painful, necessarily...it brings a pain similar to The Office (still haven't seen the American one), but so far less humorous...and way contrived. Though J insists it stops being contrived. We'll see.



Also started Arrested Development, which I think I could really love. I love Portia de Rossi and Jason Bateman, but another friend insists there are two totally different characters who end up stealing the show. In any case, it's cute and funny and I'm really enjoying it.

I left The Stand at home, so it looks like it's a day to peruse Walden...

Nicole Kidman

First "Australia" info

"Australia", an epic movie that unites two of the biggest Hollywood stars, Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman, looks like it's gonna be a great movie. Here is where you can read the full story and check out the (quite steamy!) pics. Keith Urban, look away!

Jake Gyllenhaal

Jake Gyllenhaal has popped the question

After dating for a long and not very turbulent time, it seems like Jake Gyllenhaal and his "Rendition" co-star Reese Witherspoon have decided to tie the knot. After being rejected for a couple of time, Gyllenhaal has reportedly been given the green light to start preparing the wedding feist. Full story here.

Brangelina

Expensive kids

The rights to Angelina and Brad's newly born twins photos have finally been sold! "Hello!" magazine reports to have bought the pics for the record sum of 7.5 million pounds! All the money will (naturally) go to charity, but still... Must have been some cute babies! Full story here.

Christina Applegate

Christina Applegate fighting cancer

The 36-year-old actress ("The Sweetest Thing") is battling breast cancer. It has been spotted early enough, so she will probably be fine. Applegate, whose mother has also had breast and cervical cancer has been an activist for breast cancer research. Full story here.

Paris Hilton

Hilton vs. McCain

The 27-year-old socialite, actress, singer and what-not is not too happy about the McCain commercial featuring herself and Britney Spears. In the commercial, Barrack Obama is compared to them in terms of stardom, as if he is only a celebrity face and unable to be president. While Britney Spears has basically ignored the whole thing, Paris cares about politics (!) and would prefer to be left out of it. Check out the video below. Full story here.

We did not lose Vietnam! It was a tie!

So I'm starting to think I should make more of an effort to interact with people, simply because then this blog would write itself. That's really my only reason, as these have not been good interactions.

Let's start with last night. There's this affordable little steakhouse close to home that has wicked broccoli jalapeno soup and a decent medium rare filet. And I can usually tap into some nearby wireless, so I headed over after work to do a little work and nibbling. Sadly, there is also a really annoying waiter who seems to be working all the time.

The first two times I went with D, and waiter boy was vaguely smarmy but whatever. Then I went with my friend V from work (lady friend) and he asked us if we wanted to do shots. At three in the afternoon. And he always fucking remembers me. So last night I got him again and jesus. I'm sorry, but what an obsequious motherfucker. While I was moving to a bigger table to be able to spread my crap out, he chimed in, "It's always such a pleasure to see you," with way too much sincerity.

Then after bringing me a second glass of wine, "I love serving you." I chuckled awkwardly and said, "Uh, I try to be nice," met more awkwardly with, "Oh, you could be as mean to me as you wanted." One day I will just sit him down and say, "Look. Let me tell you why you're single."

Then long after I had finished eating, I made the mistake of hanging around, as I was chatting online. He fucking sat down across from me, which I ignored for a moment. I think he asked if I was working and I might have said something like, "No, I am chatting with my three big boyfriends and I am going to sic them all over your weenie ass." I left shortly thereafter.

Where do they come from?

Then today. My voice lesson.

Ok, I'm trying not to openly hate the guy, but dude. He never really offers me anything constructive on the songs themselves. And I GET that I need to drop my jaw, but can we maybe work on some other aspects of my singing? So ok, he's already pissing me off, so I decide to sing Lubbock or Leave It for him. Cause if you're not going to help me out, I will [in my passively aggressive way] get at least something out of this.

I start singing and I think, you know, you really have to listen to the lyrics to catch what she's talking about, I bet he doesn't get offended, it'll be fine. But the lyrics are as follows:

Dust bowl, Bible belt
Got more churches than trees
Raise me, praise me, couldn't save me
Couldn't keep me on my knees
Oh, boy, rave on down loop 289
That'll be the day you see me back
In this fool's paradise

Temptation's strong
(Salvation's gone)
I'm on my way
To hell's half acre
How will I ever
How will I ever
Get to heaven now

Throwing stones from the top of your rock
Thinking no one can see
The secrets you hide behind
Your southern hospitality
On the strip the kids get lit
So they can have a real good time
Come Sunday they can just take their pick
From the crucifix skyline

Temptation's strong
(Salvation's gone)
I'm on my way
To hell's half acre
How will I ever
How will I ever
Get to heaven now
Get to heaven now

International airport
A quarter after nine
Paris Texas, Athens Georgia's
Not what I had in mind
As I'm getting out I laugh to myself
Cause this is the only place
Where as you're getting on the plane
You see Buddy Holly's face

I hear they hate me now
Just like they hated you
Maybe when I'm dead and gone
I'm gonna get a statue too

Temptation's strong
(Salvation's gone)
I'm on my way
To hell's half acre
How will I ever
How will I ever
Get to heaven now
Get to heaven now
How will I ever

Get to heaven now

And do you know what he fucking said??

"You know, that poor girl. She has low self-esteem. You know that's what that is, right? All her songs are always about blaming someone else. That's low self-esteem."

I just about fucking died. Ok, first of all, Natalie Maines didn't write the song all by her lonesome, but I guess you could argue that The Dixie Chicks as a whole have low self-esteem.

Yes, that's absolutely it.

Secondly, the only other Dixie Chicks song I've sung is Easy Silence. And while it may have a few choice words about the current administration

Monkeys on the barricades
Are warning us to back away
They form commissions trying to find
The next one they can crucify
And anger plays on every station
Answers only make more questions
I need something to believe in
Breathe in sanctuary in the
Easy silence that you make for me

I wouldn't say the song is throwing around a lot of blame. I mean really, the song is all about finding solace in someone else's company. So what the fuck. Unless someone else is taunting him and bringing in Not Ready to Make Nice, I just don't know.

I'm pretty fucking close to singing that next.

Helen Mirren

The Queen's Abs

Dame Helen Mirren has recently shocked the world when paparazzi shots of this 63-year-old actress surfaced on the internet. The photos were taken on a beach with Mirren wearing nothing but a bikini, flaunting killer abs. Now she has been voted number 4 (!) in a poll conducted by stomach-flattening supplement AntiBloat. Click here for the top six list and the whole story.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers

The Sober Irishman

"The Tudors" star kicked his alcohol addiction after the death of his mother - because her untimely demise gave him the determination to do more with his life. He also says that alcohol-related gossip always gets blown out of perspective for Irish actors and that he is tired of that cliche. Full story here.

Keira Knightley

Keira Knightley doesn't want her breasts airbrushed

Keira Knightley is desperately trying to stop the studio executives from enhancing her boobs for display on the promotional material for her upcoming movie "The Duchess". She has already been through all this with "King Arthur". However, I can't help but wonder - is it really necessary? I can only think of two more examples for this - Angelina Jolie for "Tomb Raider" (utterly unnecessary) and Emma Watson for "Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix" (creepy). Does that actually help the movie earn more!? Full story here.