You know, even though I had to wear that stupid back brace and you were kind of fat, we were still totally cutting edge.

AHA! This site says and shows it all better than I could. (Thanks, dad!) Anne Hathaway in all her stunning dresses last night as she co-hosted (I think this is up for debate) the Oscars. I myself was also running out of appropriately superlative adjectives. But hells yes those were some dresses.



Fashion doll, indeed!

Props also to Anne for CARRYING THE CEREMONY. James Franco didn't even have to be there. And he obviously had about eight joints too many. I think it was, without a doubt, the worst show I've seen in years. Nothing will ever be quite as painful as the David Letterman night, but this was pretty goddamn sad. No fault of Anne's, however, that girl brought her A game and then some.

It's like I had this dream where Billy was like in love with me, and he was in a wheelchair, but still, it's like it's coming true!

I missed 4 out of 24.

I also disagree with the best picture winner...but I guessed it accurately.

WORKSHED!

Bullshit. Best Director was an upset in a lame way, if you ask me. What a shame.

A few more awards have come and gone, and I blew the award when it came to original song...sorry, but that Randy Newman song blew chunks. So I'm 17 right, 4 wrong.

Okay. It's time for Best Actress. It's gonna be Natalie. And while the obviousness may irritate me, I have to take a moment to remember the AWESOMENESS of her past performances. This is her first award. (And she won.)

She irritates me lately, but I don't really think it's through any fault of her own. So I'm trying to be happy about this.

And thank you so much, Natalie, for accepting very graciously, thanking your parents and keeping your shit together while you do it. Props.

When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome. Then, of course, you spoke.

I have guessed every award but 2. You know what this means? I'm pretty sure it means this might be the worst Academy Awards year ever. I mean, seriously!

I have never done this well, and I've been watching this shit religiously since 1991 when I was finally allowed to stay up late enough to watch the whole thing. ;)

There was only one year when I had to miss, when I was living in Japan, but I was still on the phone with Alex during the show to hear that Halle Berry snaked it from Nicole...FAIL. >:(

I got gum on my seat. GUM.

It occurs to me as I'm watching that Clooney is not in attendance? I mean, they tend to MOLEST him at these things, and since I have yet to see him, I assume he is not with us tonight. Nor does my girl Diane Lane seem to be around--they showed her douchebag husband Josh Brolin (sorry, I've never gotten over the alleged domestic dispute call a few years back, I guess I hold a grudge), but didn't cut away to her like they normally do. Total shame, talk about your babes.



At least one of my boyfriends showed up.

And this was Anne's first dress, of which I was not a fan AT ALL. It looks like balloon parts died for that train.



I mean, she rocked the red-ness of it, but it's a shitty dress. It is.

But I am a huge fan of everything she's worn since--I posted pics of the first one, the second was a tuxedo (James Franco donned a hot pink Marilyn dress...AWKWARD), and the third and fourth are saucy but I have yet to obtain links. The 3rd especially was foxy, but the white one is still The Win.

Please consider that the Tuaca is flowing free and loose tonight, so if by night's end you witness an open marriage proposal to Anne Hathaway...move along, move along.

Those sheep shit on my pack.

Rick Baker is a god. That is all.

I have gotten all the awards right except 2 and this one (Best Make-Up) was easy for me. Baker was the first to ever win the award, and it was for An American Werewolf in London. I adore him.

Which reminds me, I've been watching FaceOff (think Project Runway but with movie makeup and no Tim Gunn and therefore no style), and I need to tell you about it and its awfulness, but that's clearly for another day.

No, I'm all man. I even fought in WWII. Of course, I was wearing women's undergarments under my uniform.

YEAH BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRENT REZNOR FOR BEST SCORE!!! :D

No shit, I LOVED the score for The Social Network. It really stood out while I watched it. (It drew attention to itself and yet did not distract.) When I recommend the film I always mention the score, but it must be said that I don't do so in a "she had a good personality" kind of way, it just complimented the film perfectly.

And Trent sho' does clean up nice, look at that!

Aristotle was not Belgian.

YAY for Aaron Sorkin winning. I love that man. (Best Adapted Screenplay, The Social Network.)

GOD I HATE IT WHEN THEY CUE THE MUSIC. You let Melissa Leo bleat on and on but you're interrupting Aaron Sorkin?! Fuck you.

YAY, I finally found a pic (or three) of Anne in her gown from the first segment of the hosting shenanigans.



Goddamn, what a babe, I'm sorry. Also, the photos do NOT capture the *sparkly!!* goin' on with the bodice. Sha-ZAM.





Completely unrelated, I also love that Helen Mirren and Russell Brand play off each other so well. Everyone knows how largely inappropriate Brand is, but I think people fail to realize HM can not only keep up but be equally saucy in her own right.

Decent dress this year, but she has rocked out more in past years, gotta say.



And Christian Bale wins for Best Supporting Actor. Meh. I love him, but I was secretly hoping for a Controversial Upset... ;)

(I'm doing better, fyi. 7 spot on, 2 misses.)

So we're both afraid of killing the baby, that's a given, but Mon through Fri I try not to kill him and Sat and Sun you try not to kill him.

OMG!! :D



The Lost Thing won best animated short! I know I said I loved The Gruffalo, but I really wanted this one to win. It was the most creative and I would love to see more from these guys!

Toy Story 3 wins best animated feature...shocker.

Still, only doing so-so. I've got 3 right, 2 wrong. :/

And I guess that was your accomplice in the wood chipper.

Ok, HERE is Natalie Portman in her fabulous dress. Soooo much better than that Golden Globes monstrosity.



Well played, honey.



Yup, Melissa Leo won. And this is a fairly awful rambling speech. Not saying I would rock it, but this is not one of the better ones. AT ALL. :/

All Jedi had was a bunch of muppets.

Props to Sandy. GORGEOUS lady, always always. (Actually the picture is AWFUL, whoops...) It's simple but I admit my love of her is making me biased. So I am totally contradicting my Cate Blanchett argument in a small way, but that's how I roll.



And wow, Natalie Portman! Well played! :D I do not have a picture yet and it's driving me crazy. It's PURPLE, FLATTERING and I won't mind having to stare at it while she wins. It is really great, though, I will post it ASAP.

YAY for Anne changing from her red dress with a weird bulging lump near the bottom into an incredibly foxy white number. WOW. Again, no pic, but hopefully soon, cause THAT is a DRESS.

Ugh. Apparently, Gwenyiff will be performing later. I dislike her dress. And her. I'm bored already.



(Weirdly, it's actually gold.) With any luck, she'll be changing dresses for the performance...

Oh, Christian Bale...I am sure this is for a movie, I was just hoping it was over by now.



But I do always enjoy hearing him rattle on in his native Welsh accent, so there's that...

Ok, to show I really can be objective...Nicole.



I needed two pics because I wanted to like it, but what the photos don't capture is that it just says TABLECLOTH there at the bottom. No.



AND THE NIGHT IS OFF TO A GOOD START! I predicted the first award, Alice in Wonderland for Art Direction. But I still don't want to see it. ;)

I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.

Ok, I'm in the minority on this one, but I am NOT digging Cate's dress. (There is some serious detail the photo probably can't capture, but whatever, it still doesn't save it.)



I get that it's "so Cate" of her and she can usually pull off the daring and unusual and she's fabulous no matter what she does. (And EVERYONE keeps saying that, SIGH.) But it's just ugly. Full stop. I WANT to like it and I'm trying, and it's probably LESS ugly on her than anyone else, but it's just not doing it for me. I may change my mind by the end of the night, but not so far.

And speaking of other things that don't work:



I love the IDEA of this dress. The style, the cut, but in the end, no. I don't like the two-toned effect for some reason and it also seems just a LIIIIIIIIIIITTLE too tight, even for ScarJo.

Annette Bening. I love her. But her hair was a REALLY bad idea. It makes her look old in a REAL unfortunate way. I kind of hate the dress, too, while we're on it.



This photo hides both quite well, actually. But trust me. It's just not working on either front. :(

There's definitely something awry with James Franco tonight. Not quite drunk or anything...but I'm going to go with "stoned?" I doubt he's nervous about hosting and there's just no chance he'll win the Best Actor award (and he knows that), so who the hell knows. But get it together soon, dude. Please.

I am officially saying for the record I think Justin Timberlake is awesome. I may not be a huge fan of his music (with some big exceptions), but he is one funny dude.



I am embarrassed to admit I did not realize he was in The Social Network, nor did I recognize him (I mean, how was I supposed to expect that?) while watching it. But I thought to myself, man, I gotta look that guy up...*facepalm*. Seriously unhip, that's me.

I already told you to shut up once with my mouth.

I want to like Michelle Williams and wow was she great in Blue Valentine. But why does she always have to look so sour? (And a little confused, frankly.)



I was perusing the internets in making my decisions about the more technical awards and the site I was using listed "Will Win" and "Dark Horse" for each award. For Best Actor, it said:

Will Win: Colin Firth
Dark Horse: None

I giggled. And right on, here's hopin'.

Ok, pics.

Oh Amy Adams. I love you and you are cute as fuckin' buttons. With a spoon. And you're rocking that dress.



But I don't want you to win tonight. I'm sure you can understand. In fact, I would give it to any of the other four actresses over you. It's not because you don't rock, and it's not because I hated The Fighter, even though you do and I did. I just don't see what was so goddamn special about that role, I'm truly sorry.

Ok, and on to Jennifer Hudson. Her severe weight loss in the past year or two really freaks me out. I mean, props and all.



But there's something about her face that just makes it seem like she had work done? I really don't know and of course she looks great, but she looked great with more meat on her, too. It makes me nervous about the message it sends, that's all I'm sayin...

Hey, check it out! Melissa Lawrence cleans up good after she shoots and dresses her squirrels!



I wish Hailee Steinfeld could win for True Grit since she absolutely blew me away. But apparently Melissa Leo's got it in the bag (and omg, who showed up wearing a disco doilie for a dress?! wait for it...) so at least Hailee looks totally cute:



On to the less fortunate. This photo utterly fails to capture the metallic shiny horrendousness of this dress. Melissa Leo did well by the role she played, but you know my feelings. Hmph.



And Jesse Eisenberg (aka Not-Michael-Cera) was really good in The Social Network, but as we've constantly established, my loyalties lie elsewhere.

I am big! It's the pictures that got small.

Natalie Portman is doing Dior ads? I have never seen someone whore themselves out so fast and furious in such a short time. (See also: No Strings Attached, Thor.)



Anyway. OSCAR TIME, BABY! :D

And I finally saw Winter's Bone today, whew! It was really...well done. It's hard to recommend it, really, since most recommendations involve a description like "it was heartbreaking/suspenseful/enjoyable." This movie has NONE of that. But it's really well done. Let me give you a clue what it's like:

1) I assumed it was set in West Virginia
2) About ten minutes in, I said, "Why do I have a feeling we're going to witness a squirrel huntin' scene?" AND THE MOVIE TOTALLY DELIVERED. With a squirrel dressing scene to boot. FTW.

No gang member or punk has ever scared me the way the type of people showcased in this film always have. That's what this was...a horror movie.

Ok, time for DRESSES!! And TIM GUNN in thirty minutes!!!

So a gay area is better than a grey area?

So I am going to get a ton of stuff done this week so that Friday I can get my hair done (for the first time in AGES) and watch BOTH these movies. The first one is a shame fest and I am totally okay with that because 1) Topher Grace and 2) Anna Faris and 3) 80s music. Shame fest = love fest. (And LMAO I REMEMBER SUNCOAST HAHAHA. Now if only Blockbuster would die such a quiet death...)



This one may actually be good, though:



Also quite a fan of Emily Blunt, Terrence Stamp and Roger Sterling John Slattery. Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, I guess I like Matt Damon, too. Hmph. (Although every time I say his name I hear Team America in my head...)

The dude abides.

I failed to mention it, but I also saw all the live Oscar shorts. Wow, those were very different from the animated ones in that they were pretty much hella depressing. They actually went in order (probably unintentional?) from jaw-dropping bleakness to cute and somewhat upbeat (but even the last one was technically still kinda sad).

Unlike the animated shorts, however, none of these are available online. (At least not that a brief search revealed.)

Things began with The Confession. Relax, no one gets molested.



It’s just a story about bad choices resulting from good intentions (or at least confused intentions) and it goes downhill fast. It actually veered a bit too much into the unbelievable realm for me.

Then there was Wish 143.



Jesus, this was bleak, too. A cancer patient wants to lose his virginity more than anything else and he has days to live. I won’t tell you if he does or not, but it did take a direction I did not expect. Some good chuckles and it was sweet overall, really.

Na Wewe.



This was very serious right up til the end when the ridiculousness of the racism just got out of hand. Even though it was a tense scene, it became a little funny because it was drawing attention to the giant elephant of stupidity.

The Crush.



This is Irish and it may win. You think it’s going to be cute but then shit suddenly gets real--and based on the past 3 shorts you’ve seen, who the fuck knows what’s gonna go down. So it was definitely interesting. (This is another reason I love shorts in general—they tend to take risks and do shocking or new things full-length movies would never try to pull off since they have far greater financial considerations.) But I liked this one.

The God of Love.



I wouldn’t mind if this one won, either. Cute and different, silly but a little melancholy, too. American.

Nothing much else going on. It’s raining but it will change to snow and ice tonight. I don’t think it will amount to much. It snowed like crazy last night--BIG. FAT. FLAKES. Like, Christmas-worthy snow, it was awesome. It was also insanely cold. :/ (But not quite nose-hair freezing cold, yay.)

The night before that, I went out with my friend B (with whom I’ll be traveling this summer for our internship) and we took out the two interns who held our positions last year. They were both very nice, but unfortunately we went to this Irish pub I’d never been to before. That would have been okay, but apparently it was also karaoke night. MISTAKE. I think I heard about 20% of the conversation. But I nodded like a pro.

The two of them left and B and I had another beer. We don’t know each other all that well but we’ve always gotten along and we always seem to end up in the same classes since we’re interested in the same topics. And we’re potentially going to live together, so it seemed important to get some of the basics out of the way. For instance, I forget what we were talking about, but B was trying to test the waters by warning me that she didn’t want to offend me. I said, “There’s probably really only three things you need to know about me: I swear like a sailor, I’m a functioning alcoholic (an exaggeration, but hey) and it’s nearly impossible to offend me.” (Actually, it’s quite possible, but I knew she was not One of Them. I did explain that her trying to tell me about Jesus might do it.) In any case, she laughed and said, “Cheers to that!” So we’re good.

Now we just need to find a place to live! :/

And completely unrelated, hooray for Sunday being Oscar night! I will no doubt be a-posting a-plenty, and we’ll see if I’m motivated enough to include “live” pictures. Weirder shit has happened. It’s nice being done with most of my work for Monday so I can pre-game with the red carpet pre-show goodness. I worry that I’ve begun to tolerate Ryan Seacrest (maybe he mellowed out? tuned down the obsequious desperation? maybe I got used to it?), but that skeletal E! bitch will always creep me the hell out. She’s this leathery bronze creature with bony everything and less than zero personality. I would ALMOST rather watch Joan Rivers.

And at this moment I am watching Kings of Pastry. It has to do with some HELLA SERIOUS contest that happens once every four years in France (the MOF--the best craftsmen in France). The documentary is very upbeat despite the PRESSURE! these guys are no doubt under. I will warn you there are a couple heartbreaking moments.

But you must watch it just for the insanely gorgeous pastries they are making. There are little tiny masterpieces and giant, intricate sugar sculptures. One guy used his glassblowing skills. !! It's only hard to watch because I cannot eat the things they show me, stupid documentary tease.

OH TO BE A JUDGE.



You see the thick stripey ribbons? I guess that's sugar--I watched him make those ribbons--almost worth watching the whole thing just for that scene, it's incredible. I will never have that kind of patience. FOR ANYTHING.

Susan Sarandon's Wagging Finger Of Shame Versus The Vampire Bunnies

So you've decided against your better judgement to watch the Oscars. Well, these things happen, don't they? Now you're settling in, watching the big show. And soon enough, it'll happen. You're going to be looking at your watch, and thinking, why is this taking so long?


It's an awards show. It's supposed to take a long time. Weren't you paying attention in my last blog?

All right, calm down. I know, you're in a tough spot here. You've got that ceremony in front of you, and maybe your significant other wanted to watch it, so you don't have a choice. I'll give you that.

So what can you do?

You can always slip out of the room, perhaps for a drink, and simply not come back. Go off and do whatever you like. Odds are, you won't be missed. Your significant other will be so engrossed in the ceremony that they won't notice your four hour absense from the room. Good. You're golden.

On the other hand, you might be missed. In which case, you're screwed. You'll have to come back into that room, subject yourself to watching the interminable awards show. Yes, I know. It's painful. Short of faking a heart attack (probably only to be used as a last resort), you'll have to put up with it. That brings us to today. I'll be making some presumptions of what to expect at this year's Oscars, and ways that the Oscars can be improved to make the ceremony less tedious.

Without watching the ceremonies, I can make some casual predictions of things that will take place.

At least two starlets will be wearing the exact same gown from the exact same designer, which for some reason is some big faux pas.

Nic Cage and John Travolta's hairpieces will be even more ridiculous then usual.

At least on seven different occasions, a winner will shed tears upon accepting their Oscar.

Joan and Melissa Rivers will be camped out somewhere, trying to pretend they're still hosting a red carpet special.

The evil ones (Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, and the rest) will be gushing over stars to no end, pretending like they're close buddies, basking in the glow of fame, and thinking they're famous too.

When the dead of the last year scroll across the screen, inevitably there'll be someone important missing, a fact screamed about across the web the next day.

At some point, the camera will pan on Jack Nicholson, who will be sitting in a daze, wearing sunglasses.

Susan Sarandon will wag her Finger of Shame (patented in 1994 by Susan Sarandon Enterprises) at the Republicans.

Someone will make a political speech. Kanye West will bitterly come on stage and say that George Bush doesn't care about Vampire Bunnies.

At some point during the night, Anne Hathaway will make a joke to James Franco, something like this one. You know, James, I kind of feel trapped by a boulder right now, just like you in that movie, and why did we agree to host this again?

Kanye West will storm the stage when Colin Firth wins the Oscar for Best Picture, and launch into a diatribe. Yo, Colin Firth, Imma real happy for you, but Eddie Murphy totally deserved this....

The Oscars will go very long over the expected time.

So, those are the reasonable assumptions about what the Oscars have in store. What if you're one of those poor sods condemned to watch it? What about you? I offer you, and the Academy, some ways to make the show more entertaining. Lord knows it needs it.

Halle Berry and Adrien Brody are positioned on stage, ready to make out with every single winner.

Jack Black and Roseanne Barr streak naked behind the Lifetime Achievement winner.

Cut out the performance pieces. You'll be saving an hour, and the sanity of the audience. Who cares about the choreographer who's been working for months on a ballet performance by vampire bunnies? I mean, aside from the choreographer, who for some reason does care?

I know, Academy, you've tried to coax winners who go on and on off the stage by having the orchestra start up. That doesn't always work. Some type A stars think that doesn't apply to them. So, have a firing squad on stage, rifles at the ready, with the understanding that they may open fire if anyone chatters for more then a minute.

Have Brad Pitt present an award. And have him say the following words: I know there's a lot of people out in the tabloid field who seem to think that there's still some hope for a former relationship I had that ended years ago. But really, I haven't spoken to that clingy, desperate idiot for years, and I'm quite content with my life now. So why don't you find something else to report about?


Oh, and it's essential  that the camera show Jennifer Aniston's reaction. It'll be priceless.

Let's make the winning and losing interesting. Take a page from the Mayans. Their winners were champions. The losers were put to death.

Speaking of death... come on, let's face it. Jack's been getting on, hasn't he? They prop him up in the first row every year, and for some reason every host has to give the man a nod. As if he's the Godfather or something. I would suggest to you this: Jack Nicholson's been dead for years. He only appears animated because his body is under the control of a voodoo doctor. Well, Academy, it's time to bring it out into the open. Halfway through, take that voodoo doctor out of the auditorium. Then wait five minutes until Jack's corpse keels over onto the carpet and January Jones starts screaming in horror.

Now that would be a classic Oscar moment.

To reject is to reject

Via Letters of Note.

And The Oscar For Best Original Screenplay Goes To.... Aggghhhh!! Vampire Bunnies!!!

It happens every year.

The Oscars comes onto television screens, celebrating the best in the past year of films. Stars prowl the red carpet. Entertainment "journalists" (among the lower evolved among homo sapiens) fawn all over them. Awards are handed out to the most deserving (not always). A host (or two) either bombs or kills (not literally). A list of the dead are displayed, and those who are well known are applauded by the audience while those who are less well known are given the final humiliation of not being applauded. Some star will inevitably use the occasion to speak up on their political cause of the week (Jane Fonda, Susan Sarandon, feel free to admit to it anytime you wish... you know that this year it'll be Solidarity For Vampire Bunnies). Jack Nicholson sits up front, wearing sunglasses.

And inevitably, it goes on. And on. And on. And on. Without end.

I don't watch the Oscars. The whole self-congratulatory tone of any awards show is like fingernails on a blackboard to me. Some years I'll agree with an Oscar choice- last year for The Hurt Locker, which both deserved the Best Picture and gave that idiotic Avatar a well deserved slap. Oh, if you're an Avatar fan, I'm sorry to have to inform you, but I'll have to set the hounds on you. It's more merciful that way, believe me. Why anyone loves a film that should have been called Dances With Smurfs is beyond me.

Other years, I don't agree with whatever the Academy fogies come up with. Let's just say that Forrest Gump winning any Oscars was a travesty. No, travesty's not really sufficient a word for it. It's like calling Lake Superior a pond. Still, it'll have to do.

Still, I don't care about the red carpet or who's wearing what, or the whole tediousness of a four or five or six hour marathon of people telling each other how wonderful they are. The damned ceremony goes on, and on, and on, filled with interminable speeches (I'd like to thank Billy Bob, my drug dealer, for the great cocaine, and my parole officer for teaching me how to roll joints, and Charlie Sheen, for being my inspiration) and pointless performance pieces. It may only be four hours, but it must feel longer.

Therefore, the point of this blog (and I do have a point)....

What can we do to fill the time that the Oscar takes?

Yes, you can always watch a movie or two. Maybe three, if Jane Fonda starts really ranting about the plight of vampire bunnies (all they need is human blood, but the Republicans won't let them!).

Other ways?

Play a game of golf. Go back on the green and play another. And another, just for good measure. You'll be having drinks in the clubhouse before the Oscars are over. Just don't invite me. My dislike for golf is well known.

Give birth to a baby. Come on, labour will be done and over by the time the Oscars are finally finished.

Take a stonemason's apprenticeship. You'll get your papers by the time the credits roll.

Run for President. Or Prime Minister. Or Supreme Majestrix of the Universe. Just as long as you're willing to follow my orders.

Start a revolution in North Africa. You'll sack that dictator before the Best Picture is named.

Climb a mountain. Just watch out for the vampire bunnies above the treeline.

Set out on that round the world sailing voyage you always wanted to do. By the time you're home, the Oscars will still be running. Oh, and watch yourself around the Indian Ocean. Those are dangerous waters these days, after all.

Kidnap Barney.

Send ransom note to PBS.

Frame your idiot brother-in-law for the kidnapping.

Watch the police arrest your idiot brother-in-law.

Write the definitive scholarly work on the Vampire Bunny (Lepus Vampirus).

Those are just some of the ways you can better fill your time during the Oscars. However, some of you might still, for some inexplicable reason, wish to watch them anyway. And so, tomorrow, I'll continue this discussion with a simple question:

How can the Oscars be made more interesting?